2011, a year in review

Wow.... the last day of 2011. This yea has gone by so fast. I still can't believe we're going into 2012. As I look back on the year, it's going to shock most people but 2011 was one of the best years of my life. Begining in January when I won tickets to go see Jason Aldean in Lubbock. Eric Church opened up for him and it was an amazing concert!! It just got better from there!! In February I moved from the infant room to an Admin position at Aladdin's. And while I loved loved loved working with the babies, being an Admin has been such a learning experience and so much fun. I wouldn't trade it for the world! My world just got better from there. My kids were growing into such amazing healthy children. My job was amazing. My friends... well my friends and family were fantastic!! Sometime in early 2011 I won tickets to go see Willie Nelson.. That concert was May 1st. It was awesome, 4th row and I had so much fun with Tammy!! Then of course also in May I had Mother's Day, Bryson's Birthday, Brooke's Birthday, Brooke's graduations from Pre-K at Carver and from Aladdins. Then on May 26th, I went to see Sugarland and Little Big Town opened up for them.... there aren't even words to describe how wonderfully amazing that concert was!! It was an amazing little getaway with my stepmom and dad to Lubbock. It was so good to spend time with just me and them, that never happens since I have 2 kids and they have 2 kids. The summer at Aladdin's was so much fun!! All the field trips and fun stuff we did with the kids was so cool! Then in August my little brother started junior high, and my daughter started Kinder. Both such big milestones!! Each and every month was better than before. Each and every month this year I felt like I was on top of the world and could do anything!!! Septemeber was a big month for me and my family. We moved churches from Asbury Methodist to Crossroads Fellowship. I wanted a church with a better children's program. I needed a church that could help me grow in my relationship with Christ and help me teach my kids about God's love. We switched churches on September 11th. On September 18th, they began a new series called, One Month to Live. It was a series based on teaching people how to live their lives with no regrets. On September 23, I went on my first date with a guy I'd been talking to for almost a year. The date went amazing and Jessie and I decided we wanted to make things a little more serious. On Sept. 25th, Keeghan went to church with me and we had a great great time, that kid makes me laugh so much!!! That Friday, September 30th, was crazy hair day at work. Lesli fixed my hair in about 30 different little ponytails!! Then April ordered Zucci's for lunch so I went into there to order the food with all my crazy ponytails! It was hilarious! When I got back to work I got a phone call from my brother's friend in El Paso, Matt. He told me Tony sent him a message on Facebook and it really worried him. He wanted me to let my mom know so she could find Tony and make sure he was ok. Make sure he wasn't gonna do anything drastic. I called my mom and let her know, she told me she would look for him and let me know when she knew where he was. The next morning, October 1st, I had a training with some girls from work. It was so much fun, it was with Mary Hansen who is an amazing person to do trainings with..... This was the last morning I'd ever feel "normal" again. During the training I texted my mom and Matt a few times to see if they had heard from Tony, neither of them had. After the training I went to pick up my kiddos from the soccer fields where they were watching Braylynn play a game. I got them and then I went to Walmart for a few things. We got home about 5:00-5:30. I started cooking dinner, I was making sloppy joes. I made all of our plates and then sat down for dinner. Just as I got up to make my second sandwich my text message went off. I got my plate and sat down. I looked at my phone and it was a text from my mom at 6:02, it said "I need you to call me when you get home". I picked up my phone and immidiately called my mom. She answered the phone and I didn't even have to ask.... I already knew something was very very wrong. She asked me if I was sitting down, I told her I was. It was then at 6:03 my whole world was turned upside. My cloud 9 that I had been riding for months disinigrated beneath me and I came hurdling towards the deepest darkest scariest pits of hell that you can imagine. At 6:03 my mom told me they had found my baby brother Anthony. Well, they had found my brother's body. Him and his friend, who was only 18 had taken their lives together. I felt like I had been punched in the throat and stumoch at the same time. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was gonna throw up, and my head started to pound. I screamed something. I think it was no. My kids started crying and I went outside. By some kind of magic miracle my mommy insticts kicked in and I knocked on my neighbors door and asked her to get the kids. She came to my apartment while I waited outside and she got them and the food they were eating. Once they were in her apartment I hung up with my mom and called Rhonda, she happened to be on her way to my apartment anyway so she got there pretty quick. She arrived at my apartment to find me crying in my bathroom. I was sure I was going to throw up at any minute so I didn't want to move. However, even if I wanted to move I'm not sure if I could have. After some time passed, we got the kids from Lisa and I packed a bag for them to stay the night with Rhonda. After she left I sat on my couch and cried and cried and cried. I tried to go for a walk but I just ended up at the church across the parking lot and I sat on the curb there and cried. Finally I went back to my apartment and tried to take a hot bath to calm down, but it didn't work. Eventually Melissa came over and had a Dr. Pepper and a snickers bar. She stayed for a few hours and we cried, she made me laugh a few times and while she was there I planned 2 things. I wanted to read my brother's school project at his services. I also wanted a tattoo of a square on my wrist, just like he had. But with his (our) initials in it. The next week was a blur, but I went to El Paso on Wednesday. On Thursday my mom and I got most of the stuff needed for Tony's service. On Friday my dad and Rhonda got to El Paso with my babies. Then on Saturday we had a beautiful beautiful service for my baby brother. The rest of October was a emotional roller coaster. There were days where I felt like I couldn't move couldn't breathe. Then there were others where I was almost ok.

Even with this tragedy my year has been pretty good. I have to say I'm going to miss 2011. Even though it had the worst moments I'll ever go through in my life. The good times were amazing, and it was a really fun year. I can't wait to see what the new year has in store for me and my children. Although my heart is still shattered I'm slowly picking up the pieces and getting my life back together and getting back to normal. And I know with the help of the people who I have around me it'll all be ok.

A Christmas Miracle from a Christmas Angel

As most of you know I am a single mom of 2. I have an amazing job, and it pays the bills. However it doesn't leave much left over. Thankfully, a few months ago David finally started paying child support. Well I never plan on it arriving because I never know when it's going to stop. Well today when I got to work I got something I never expected. As I came around the corner of one of the desk to put up my purse I saw a few bags of things. As I looked I saw toys, clothes, shoes, and a bike just to name a few. Well I asked my boss where it all came from and what it was for. Since I work in a daycare people are constantly donating things for us to use in the classes. She told me that my children and I were chosen by an organization to receive all these gifts from an anonymous donor. Well needless to say, the flood gates opened up quickly. I am so honored. So touched. I feel so blessed, and words will never be able to explain what this means to me and my children! I wish I knew who the donor was so I could personally say thank you! I can only hope that he/she will be reading this and know how grateful I am. Because even if I did know who it was, I'd never be able to truly explain my immense and deep gratitude for this amazing gift. Its so much more than presents.... It's an awesome Christmas for my kids, because they deserve it and I can't give them all that I want. It's a good Christmas for my little family when the past 2 1/2 months have been such an emotional roller coaster. So again... Thank you who ever you are... From the bottom of my heart, I only wish I could say it to you personally and give you a hug.

Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. Every 41 seconds someone else is left wondering why. I really like that statement. It's a picture banner on the AFSP website. At the same time, I really disagree with that statement. Yes, I do believe that every 40 seconds someone somewhere dies by suicide. However.... every 41 seconds after there is way more than one peson left wondering why. For Tony it began with my mom. Spread to me, my aunts, uncle, my stepmom, my neighbor who rescued my kids from my hysteria. It spread to all of Tony's friends in Maryland, and in Texas. It spread to their familes... and their friends. The question of why has spread through hundreds if not thousands of people. All spreading just from Tony's death. Not everyone is affected by the Why's... The What if's... The if Only's, as deeply as my family and I have. But it's a ripple effect. Each ripple reaches a few more people...but with a little bit less of the shock value.

     I recently attended the International Suicide Survivor Day. I learned a lot and I met some people who are going through the same thing. They are just in different stages than I am. Possibly a little further away from the time when they lost their loved one. Yet all with the same hole in their heart. The conference was in Midland and once a month they have a suicide support group. However they do not have childcare This brings me to my reason for writing this blog.

     I want to start a support group in Odessa. However, I want it to be a weekly thing on Thursday. I'm going to talk to the people at my church, Crossroads Fellowship, and see if I would be able to use a room there on campus. As well as the childcare. I recently completed a grief share class. It was a 6 week series on the journey through grief.Honestly It didn't help me at all. So I think that if I was able to offer a class specfic to suicide survivors. A class in Odessa, and a class with Childcare, that maybe it could help me... while helping others. So I'm asking for you to share this blog. Share it with your whole friend list. Ask them to share it, and to ask their friends to share it. I want to know if there is a need for a class in Odessa. If there is not a need for it, then I won't waste my time with creating an Odessa class. I will continue to go to the one in Midland and if there ever comes a time when we need one in Odessa... then I will try again to make it happen.
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      Having gone through this pain, I know I don't want anyone to feel like they are the only one going through it. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. That's 90 people an hour. 2,160 people each and every day. Choose to end their own lives. Leave their friends and family asking why. Why now. Why didn't he see. Why didn't he reach out. I've kinda got an outline of how I want the first class to go, and the things I want to say. So I won't say much more here.

     I just ask one more time... In memory of my baby brother, Anthony Nicholas Beaman. Beloved son, brother, grandson, uncle, nephew, and friend. Born October 25th, 1990.... born and raised in El Paso, Texas. Graced the state of Maryland with his smile and wit for less than a year. Then died by suicide on October 1st, 2011. 20 years young, and only 24 days before his 21st birthday. We love you beatiful boy. We always did and we always will. <3

In everything give Thanks....

Given everything going on in my life, sometimes it's easy to feel like there is nothing to be thankful for. However, that's not true. Not at all. There is so much in my life to be thankful for every single day. From the little bitty things to the big obvious things. I've tried to post something every day this month. Its been a rough day today. I didn't feel good, and then on my way there was a song on from Tony's service.... and I almost had to pull over from the tears. So I'm going to go back through the month and list all 23 things I've been thankful for this month. You don't have to read it lol. This post is more like a pick me upper.... because I'm feeling really down tonight. :(
First week I was thankful for the little silly things kids say that make you smile, thankful my wreck wasn't worse than it was, for Jessie my amazing boyfriend, my kids, my job, and my mom. Some big things, and some little things. But all amazing things that God has blessed me with. And I will continue to thank and give him praise daily.
Second week I mentioned my thankfulness for my brothers, the people who have supported me through Tony's death. As well as my church, my aunts and uncles, and green bean casserole!!! Finally, that second week I was thankful for Dad. Who has turned into some kinda amazing over the past few years. :)
Third week was rough to be grateful. I had a suicide survivor conference, a counseling session and my birthday. On the 15th, the first day of that 3rd week...... On my birthday I was thankful for my best friend Lesli. We have the same birthday and she's one of the best things to ever come into my life! The next few days I was thankful for cousin and my amazing step mom/best friend. That weekend I was thankful for a guy I met at the conference who wanted to know my story... Tony's story. And for my aunts and uncles who love to love me and my kids!! Monday was kinda silly, I was thankful for Dr.Pepper and baby wipes!!! Couldn't live with out them. My big thankfulness this week was for my childrens' fathers. David and Adrian might not be the dads I want them to be but they are the reason I have my children. So i have to be thankful for that small fact! I was also thankful for the night Bryson slept through the night!!! Finally yesterdays thankful post was for kid free breakfasts with Lesli. You have no idea how awesome those are. They remove so much stress and help me get through the day. Today I am thankful for some kids that have come into my life who will always have a place in my heart. Some are kids from the daycare, some are kids of my friends. But all of them are blessings in my life!!
Well, that actually helped a little! These are just a tiny tiny part of the things in my life that I should be thankful for. I am so blessed and I can't help but stop and thank God each and every time I realize something that he has given me. I hope that this Thanksgiving you hug your loved ones. Kiss your babies. Spend time with those who are near and dear to your heart. Please make sure they know how you feel about them. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. And although, Tony chose his time and his death was by suicide. We still didn't give him the love and time he so desperately sought. He looked for comfort in the wrong things, and in the end that's what killed him. I miss my brother every day. And I miss him a little more each day. However I know that each day that passes brings me one day closer to spending eternity with my, our Savior. Spending eternity with my grandpa, great grandma, great grandpa and especially my brother.

Lost and Confused...

          I'm so lost. I don't know what to do, it seems like when the days are good, they're just ok. But when they're bad... it's damn near rock bottom. It's been almost a year since I've seen my brother, the day after Christmas, we drove back from El Paso and him and mom continued on to Maryland. I know I hugged him that day.... I know Brooke hugged him that day. Why didn't we hug him more? Why didn't I take that trip to visit in July. There are so many whys left unanswered... and they can never be changed. They can never be answered. Even after reading his note, where he gave his reason why. It opened more questions about why did he feel that way. Why was he sad. Why did he honestly believe our lives would be easier and happier with out him. I've read a few suicide survivor tips and they all say that its ok to wear out those "Whys?" until I feel like I don't need to know why anymore. But I can't imagine ever not wanting to know why. I loved him, 110% in love with him from the day he was born until the day that I die. He was my baby brother, and I, as his big sister had the responsibility of protecting him.
         I know that no matter when he did this it would've hurt. But I can't help but wonder if it hurts more because we lost him on October 1st. Only twenty four days later was his 21st birthday. A day that should've been a huge celebration was instead a incredibly sad day. Only 6 days later was Halloween, and most if not all of my really good Halloween memories are going up and down the streets of El Paso with him loading up on tons of candy. Fifteen days after that is my birthday. My 25th birthday, growing up I always told Tony that I wouldn't be the sister to buy him beer ect. before he was legal. However I did tell him that on my birthday, after he was 21 we could party hardy. That was going to be this birthday...and now that's not possible. Once I get past my birthday in only 9 days it's Thanksgiving. A month later, Christmas. It's just all the "firsts" that you have to struggle through after losing someone are all within 3 months of his death. I just feel so hopeless and lost. I know I'm not the only one in my family feeling this. I'm not alone in my sorrow and depression. But my mom, the other person who is hurting as much as I am...well no much worse than I am.... lives 1,000 miles away.
         I just wish I knew how to sort through all these feelings. I don't want to feel so lost and confused. I'm distracted 90% of the time. I'm more forgetful than normal, which for those of you who know me... I'm already pretty damn forgetful. I'll be in the middle of a sentence and my thought will just leave me. I'll be driving down the road and the tears will just start from no where. One day it'll be ok. I know that it will be. It has to be... no one can live in this amount of pain for the rest of their lives. :'(

Happy Birthday Anthony Nicholas

21 years ago today I was given the 2nd most important title I would ever have. Big sister. 2nd only to Mommy. Being a big sister has been an amazing journey filled will love, happiness, pride and joy all the things that come with being a mommy, however with much less stress. However this month, being a big sister as also involved the worst and deepest pain I have ever felt in my life. My first baby brother is gone. He took his own life. He did it with drugs. And he did it with another long young soul. Every single one of these statements make it hurt just a little bit more. He would have been 21 today, he should have been 21 today. This was supposed to be a day where he made memories he'd never forget, yet not quite remember. After today, the next time I saw him I was going to take him out and we were gonna have a blast. This wasn't supposed to be such a painful day. I know Tony didn't spend it in pain, and that eases my heavy heart a little bit. But I cried so much today, I hugged so many people. I fake smile at others. I really smiled at a few. Thankfully because of my fantastic boyfriend, amazing job, wonderful family and fabulous support system I was able to make it through this day. I know I'm not the only one who had difficulty smiling today. But know that Tony was watching over all of us and keeping his hand over our broken hearts so that we wouldn't lose the pieces.
To celebrate Tony's birthday I went to the store and bought 3 balloons. I bought a foil one that said happy birthday. Then a lime green and a black one. The reason I bought 3 is so that there would be one for each of us, Brooke Bryson and Mommy. Both Brooke and I wrote a message on the green balloon, and then at 9:15 we let them go into the sky. I let her know that there are holes in the floor of heaven and so Tony would be waiting by a hole to catch the balloons..... I hope he got them. I think I've decided we will do that every year. It's so weird, I catch myself planning things I never thought of before. Things like how to do Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, even my wedding (that may never happen) all with remembering Tony. I know each day is going to be easier. And each day has gotten easier. But the pain will never go away. The hole will never heal. Hearing my daughter pray to Tony in heaven breaks my heart. Having her tell me that Tony is in our hearts with God helps the healing.
Thank you again to everyone who has made this day/month bearable. Without you I couldn't have made it through. Just to name a few thank you to Mom, Rhonda, Daddy, Melissa, Lesli, Jessie, Tammy, Ellie, Ami, Tiffany, Vanessa, Larry (leader of my grief class), Keesha, Brooke and Bryson, Keeghan, Khaiden, Zia, Michaela, Cheyenne, Matt N, Auntie Patty, Angie Donham, Nikki Patton, Uncle Boy, Granny...and so many many more. Thank you so much for being there for. Even if it was just a hug, Text, phone call, or prayer. For some it was a Dr.Pepper a snickers bar. Others it was a unconditional shoulder to cry on. Some it was a daily text saying "i love you". No matter what it was... Thank you. I love you for your support and I'll never be able to show my gratitude. <3
　
I feel like I've been focusing so much on Tony I haven't given my other brothers credit. Keeghan is kickin ass and takin names in the Ector Jr High band, he's in percussion and he had his first concert tonight. It was so awesome and I can't wait to see him progress in his journey. Khaiden is as crazy as ever, in first grade and amazes me more every time I see him. I can't be there for them the way I'd like to be since I have my own family now but I want them to know, and I tell them every chance I get... that I love them. I am proud of them. And they absolutely fabulous!!

A sign that he loves me

Yesterday, Thursday..... was a very very rough day for me. One of the hardest days I've had since Tony's been gone. I wasn't sure how my weekend would be since it was so rough yesterday. But then this morning I got a sign from Tony that he loves me.
Let me start a few days ago. On Wednesday, I'm not going to go into detail but my mom went back to Maryland. The first day back she found Tony's letter that he left for us. I'm not going to say anything other than he wrote I love you. My mom took a picture of that part for me because I asked her to, and sent it to me on my phone. Well yesterday, Thursday I set my wallpaper on my phone to show that picture where it said "i love you". The picture is kinda white and clashed with my icons. It was hard to see, so I changed it back to his picture. I went the rest of the day at work, through the grief class, and home. I went all night, woke up to my alarm and called Jessie to make sure he was awake for the day. And each and every time Tony's picture was there smiling at me with a sign saying, Don't worry, be happy.
About an hour later I picked up my phone to text someone, I paused and looked at Tony's picture...same way I do everytime I pick up my phone. When I tap the "tap here to compose" screen it usually pulls up my keypad. Well instead it screwed up and doubles the "tap here to compose" screen. I tried a few more times and decided to restart my phone. I figured that would correct the issue. Well when my phone came back on I looked at the screen to try to text again. But I had to stop and almost sit down because what I saw blew my mind. Instead of my brother's beautiful face with that goofy grin and silly sign. I saw in his writing the picture that said " I love you".
I've had this phone since July. I can't count how many times I've changed my wall paper on my phone. Never in the history of 100 changes has it gone back to an old picture. I believe with the deepest faith I've ever had that this was a sign from my brother. He wanted me to know that he loved me. He wanted me to see a reminder that he loved me every time I look at my phone. Which if you know me...that's a whole lot of times a day.
Now here's the awesome amazing wonderful news. Today was a very very good day. I did not cry. I smiled most the day. Smiling wasn't a struggle. I told people I was doing good and it wasn't a lie or sugar coating it. I had a very good day at work. After work I went to dinner with my parents, my kids and my boyfriend. Jessie got to meet my dad and Rhonda tonight. I think it went very well. Then we went to walmart to look for Khaiden's costume. Also for a few missing things from mine and the kiddos costumes. After Walmart we came to my apartment and between Jessie and I, we finished Bryson's costume and almost finished Brooke's.
　
I'll end on this note. Tell the people you love that you love them. Hug your family every chance you get. If you see someone struggling to smile, smile for them. If you know someone having a hard time standing up alone, hold your hand out, help them out and walk beside them. Help them learn to walk alone again. Help them get back on their feet. Just help them. Don't push them down. Don't look away. Don't ask someone else to do it. Here is a prayer that my aunt saw on Facebook. It really means a lot to me. <3 Thank you for reading God Bless you all.
Hello God, I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.

... You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.

I want to ask you please to keep,
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever fate they're bound.

Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.

I thank you God, for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall.. !!!!!!!

Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.
So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You, too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!
P.S. Please bless all my friends and family too

R.I.P. Anthony Nicholas Beaman

     I don't even know where to begin. For those of you who know, my family and I suffered an imaginable loss at the beginning of this month. For those of you who don't know, my little brother at only 20 years old committed suicide. As if that wasn't a tragedy enough alone, his girlfriend, who was only 18 went with him. These 2 young lives, wasted and gone. I didn't know Anthony's girlfriend but I can only imagine she was an amazing young woman who just chose the wrong path. What I do know is, my little brother, Anthony Nicholas was an amazing person. From the day he was born he had the world mesmerized by his smile. Captivated by his laugh.... and I can't lie, turning hairs gray with his behavior. He made his appearance on an October morning, October 25th, 1990. Also known as, picture day at my daycare. My school picture that year is a little rough. My hair is a bit uneven, and my eyes are a bit swollen. On the back of the picture it says, please excuse Amanda her mom was in the hospital last night giving birth to her little brother. <3 I remember that night she left like it was yesterday. Once he got home he had my whole heart... I wanted to hold him. I wanted to help feed him. I washed his bottles... and even though more soap and water ended up on the floor than in the bottles, my mom let me be the big sister I wanted to be. His first Christmas I remember mom was trying to fix the crooked tree and it fell over on top of her. We moved to an apartment complex on McRae and we went to EKS, I remember taking that picture on the first day of school in our uniforms. It was at that apartment that we got our first pets, hamsters we named Rascal and Brown Ears.... Tony's was brown ears.. he was super original. :) Not long after that we got our cat Tiger from Petsmart. She was a 1 1/2 I was 11 1/2. That cat became my best friend and eventually moved to Odessa with me a few years later. Then right before my 3rd little brother came around she moved back to El Paso to be with my mom and Tony. That's when she became his best friend. Anyway, enough about the animals. When I was 15 I moved to Odessa to live with my dad and step mom. I can't say I wish I hadn't. My high school years were the best years of my life. I have 2 beautiful children, friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. But I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't moved would that have changed things? Would I still have Tony? We all have guilt and anger over this. We are all saddened and confused. We are all left with a gaping hole in our hearts and a huge question of why??

     Just like the day Tony was born, I'll never forget the day I found out he was gone. I had a training for work that day and I had finally gotten home and was cooking dinner, sloppy Joe's. My mom sent me a text at 6:02, it said "Call me when you get home." I didn't have to call her I already knew. I put down my second sandwich and called her before 6:03 hit... she answered the phone, and I could hear the pain in her voice. I already knew, I prayed for a different kind of news... maybe he was in the hospital. Maybe he was in jail. A million things crossed my mind... but I knew. I screamed when she told me... I screamed no. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest, my head felt like it would explode. I went across the hall to ask my neighbor to come get my now frightened kids. The next week was a blur, but some how between Melissa, Lesli, Rhonda and others I survived. We had his service on October 8th. Which my mom has since told me was the day Anthony had listed as his birthday on Facebook. Some people would say its just a weird chance thing, but nothing in life is chance. My brother picked that date for a reason, no one, not even him knows why he did. But he did.

     During the meeting with the pastor to plan the services, my mom told her a story about Anthony's name. My brother's name was Anthony Nicholas Beaman. In the catholic religion, St. Anthony of Padua is the saint of lost things and missing persons. St. Nicholas is the catholic religion is the saint of many things, including children. My mom told the pastor that she named him Anthony Nicholas because she had a sense that he would be a lost little boy and hoped that these saints would work together to protect and guide him. I don't think she realized just how lost he was going to be.

     No one knew what was going to happen to Tony, no one could have prevented it. No one knows why, no one knows how come he didn't see the people that loved him. There are so many questions that will never be answered. So many hearts that will never heal completely. He hasn't even been gone for 3 weeks yet and I've already heard from at least 20 people who's lives were touched by Anthony. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I'm sorry for those of you who I haven't responded to yet. Slowly but surely I will get back to each and every one of you.

     I read about Tony's friends wearing the yellow ribbons I made for him... I just want to say thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Anthony's death is senseless and painful. No one should ever have to deal with this pain. By wearing that ribbon and telling Anthony's story maybe we can stop someone from making the same decision. If even one life is changed than our pain won't be in vain. Anthony's death won't be in vain. I can only imagine the tears that spilled while reading this post, as I know several of my own are streaked along my face. Thank you again for all the condolences. I can't imagine going through this tragedy with out everyone. Lesli, Rhonda, Jessie, Mom, Brooke, Tammy, Ellie, Taylor, Tiffany, Shannon, Melissa, Bryson, Vanessa, Donham Family, Patton Family, and so many others... Thank you. Slowly I am healing and I couldn't do it with out your support.

Young Love no matter what age...

New love is so much fun no matter what age you are. A good friend of mine, who is quite a bit older than I am who is in a new relationship. They haven't been together long but she is head over heels in love with him, and he is head over heels in love with her!! It is so amazing to watch their relationship grow, and I couldn't be happier for her. I smile just as big as she does every time she gets flowers from him. I feel my heart get warm from her stories of their dates/conversations. There's not many people I know who deserve this happiness more than her. It's just an all around awesome thing!

     Then there's my little brother, he has his first girlfriend. Her name is Alyson and so adorable. I haven't met her, only seen her picture on Facebook. She calls him like 15 times a day and it cracks me up!! I remember my first boyfriend and all the feelings that came with it. Josh wasn't my first love but I'll always remember him and he's just a good memory. I love that Keeghan has finally opened up and gotten over his shyness. I honestly never thought he'd have a girlfriend this young. I hope that when this relationship ends, as all/most do. I hope that I can be there for him, I hope he lets me be his rock and help him though his first heart break.

     Then there's me. I actually am in a relationship now. He's a really good guy, and turns out we went to OHS together. Now don't take me wrong, I'm not saying what we have is love already. It's just a lot of fun. He's so sweet to me. He's eager to meet the kids. Most of all he makes me smile. I get a text every morning, texts through out the day. Then in the evening if we can we hang out, if not we just talk/text. I'm trying to handle this relationship better than I have handled my past ones, because obviously those didn't work LOL! So far I'm very pleased with the way its going. I'm trying to not take it too fast. But I'm not draggin my feet either. I mean after all, I'm going to be 25 in a month an a half and I'm not getting any younger. Then there's the kid issue. Right now I'm 99.999999% sure I don't want another one. And that's why I have an IUD... for 10 years!! But if I end up with someone who doesn't have kids of their own then I want the option to be open. I don't wanna be so old that the choice to have another one isn't even there. Now Mom, Rhonda, April, Daddy and any other "elder" in my life... if you read this... I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BABY EVER!! But I may not feel that way if I meet the right person and that's what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about ending up as a single mom to 3 little monsters, no thanks!!!


It's funny I didn't want a relationship, I wasn't looking for one, I wasn't lonely or sick of being single. But now that I'm with Jessie, I'm super happy that I am. And I'm excited to see where this goes. The awesome thing is I know that it's in God's hands. With that knowledge if it works out, it's what His plan is. If not, then He has other plans for me and that's ok. Because even though being a single mom isn't so easy, seems like being a single mom (with a boyfriend) is kinda fun! :)

I don't wanna do this wrong..

Not sure if who ever is reading this knows or not..but I was bullied in school. Almost every year until my sophomore year. I don't really have much to say about it other than... it sucked. It sucked really really bad. Well, my daughter started kindergarten this year. And it scares me so bad. I don't want her to go through what I went through each year. I don't want her to have days where she goes to the bathroom and cries because there's nothing else to do. I don't want her to feel like there's no where to turn. Like she doesn't fit in. Like she'll never fit in. This morning dropping Brooke off at school I saw a girl, she couldn't have been older than 4th grade. She was wearing FULL MAKE UP. She had eye shadow, and eye liner, blush, mascara, and even lip gloss. It just made me think of Brooke. I can't imagine allowing her to wear make up that young. I mean yeah, I let her wear show/cheer make up sometimes when she plays around but not on a daily basis. I just want to do this right. I don't want her to get made fun of because her mommy doesn't let her wear make up. Or wear hoochie momma clothes. I don't want people not to be her friend because she lives in an apartment. Or because I'm a single mom. I don't want people to look down on her because she wears clothes from Wal-Mart and Target and not A&F. It just so much to think about. Kids are so heartless and cruel. I want to raise my daughter to accept anyone and everyone. I want her to realize it's the inside not the outside that matters. That it's what the person has in the their heart and not what brand they have on their shoes. I guess maybe I think too much. But I know that my daughter will be 10X more likely to be a victim than my son. Girls are just so much more mean, and so much more sensitive. If Bryson is a little chunky in school, he's a good football lineman. If Brookie were to be chunky in school she's a fat kid. Or some other cruel name the kids come up with. I love both my kids with all my heart and I would do everything and anything to protect them. But the scariest thing is, there's absolutely nothing I can do to protect them from this kind of pain. I guess maybe I shouldn't worry about this stuff until they happen, if they happen. It's just as a mother your mind is always rushing to the future with your kids. I love you my sweet little Brooke Michelle, and my handsome little Bryson Kole. May God protect you and keep you in this crazy journey called life. :) It's not always easy, but it sure is fun!

5 years from now, and 10 years ago today......

     Have you ever been asked, Where will you/ Where do you want to be in 5 years?? It's kind of a silly question if you think about it. With the 10 year anniversary of the September 11th attack today it's kind of weird to think about it. 10 years ago I was a Freshman at Coronado High School, we had just finished the early morning practice with the band. A girl.... I don't remember her name, but if I saw her today I would know it was her. She was a flute player, she had long black hair and she came in and said. "The world is ending America is under attack in New York." I remember laughing, along with several other people. Thinking she was kidding. A few minutes later Mr. Capshaw, the band director came in and let us know, the horrific truth. She wasn't wrong, she wasn't kidding. The world may not have been ending but something had happened in New York City. He turned on the TV and we watch the smoke roll out of the 1st tower, as we were sitting there in the band hall trying to figure out what was going on....we heard the lady on the news in a panicked voice say there was another plane heading toward the 2nd tower. Within seconds of her saying that it hit... there was complete silence in the band hall, and I can only imagine all over the country. It all started coming together, we watched the news for the rest of the class. Then the bell rang. We each went on to our other classes, but I really don't think anybody did anything in any class that they went to. I can remember in each class we went to we watched the news unfold on the TV. Living in a border city, with an military base, several kids left early. The whole day was just so surreal. In between classes was eerily quiet. No one knew what to say, think or assume was going to happen next. If you had asked me that day....where do you see yourself in 5 years??? I can honestly say that don't know what I would've said. Maybe I would've replied with in college somewhere. Maybe with a long term boyfriend. Possible engaged, maybe even married. I really don't remember what my goals/dreams were at that time in my life. What I can tell you, is 5 years later, on September 11, 2006 I was a proud proud mommy of a beautiful 3 month old baby girl. I was trying to find my way through life, trying to figure out how I was gonna do this all by myself. Trying to decide how to integrate David and his other family into mine and Brooke's life. Another thing I can tell you, is 5 years from September 11, 2001.... I wasn't where I thought I would be. But I was a mommy and my life was amazing watching my daughter grow.
On September 11, 2006 if you had asked me, where do you see yourself in 5 years?? I would've probably said something involving Brooke being in kindergarten. Maybe I would've said I hoped I'd be married with another child. Or finished/finishing college. There's so many things I could've said that I wanted for my daughter and I. Yet today, on September 11, 2011 I'm at a place in life that I would've never in a million years guess I'd be. I'm a single mother of 2. Neither dad is really involved. I get less than 300 a month in child support, combined from both dads. I make less than $1,500 a month. My credit is shot, so I can't apply for a loan on a house, on a car on a vacation for my kids. But.... I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I wake up each day looking forward to another day with my babies. Another day at a job that I love. Another day to grow in my budding relationship with Jesus Christ. Most importantly, another day. I am so blessed in life in so many ways.
So where do I want to be 5 years from today??? Exactly where I am. In love with my children. In a job that I love. With friends and family that help me to be where I am each day. Maybe I'd like to be in a house rather than an apartment. It'd be nice to be a little more financially stable. I wouldn't be offended if I was in a stable and healthy relationship with a man who loves my children as his own. The best thing about today, and 5 years from today, is if nothing changed. I'd be ok. I am so happy with my life and everything in it. I look forward to every morning getting ready for school and work. I relish each day at work with friends, and the kids that are there so bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. Lastly I cherish each precious moment that I have each evening with my children getting ready for bed.
Thank you to all the first responders who risk their lives for strangers every day. Thank you to all the military who put their lives on the line to protect our freedom. We will never forget the 2,977 people who lost their lives on that horrible day. Living this life as a single mom raising 2 children to be the type of people I want them to be as adult isn't always easy. But every day is a new a fun adventure, and it's always a new adventure!

Worst Accronym Ever! (FML)

FML- F*** My life. THE WORST ACRONYM I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!! Right now someone some where is planning their mom's funeral. Some one some where has just buried their infant/child. Someone some where a husband is having to go home to their family and explain why they were laid off today. There's someone in the world who has no roof over their head... No food in their belly. But yet, so many people are Facebook saying FML. Over the tiniest little things. Ex: My car ran out of gas. FML. Or something like I failed my math class. FML. You know what, I wish there was some kind of magical button that I could push that when someone says FML over something so stupid that they suddenly feel the pain of someone some where else. Maybe a mom who is having to hold her still born baby and is going to say goodbye, before she even got to say hello. NO matter what you're going through, there is someone going through worse. I'm not saying it's not OK to be upset with what's going on in your life. But FML... I just hate that statement. I have been extremely blessed. I have not only a beautiful, smart, amazingly funny daughter. I also am blessed with an amazing, strong, healthy baby boy. Those 2 are my heart. My whole heart. With them everything is better. With out them, nothing would matter. I am also blessed with an amazing job. A job that I can wake up in the morning and say (without sarcasm) I'm looking forward to go to work today!!! I have a awesome boss. Who without a doubt is a person God deliberately put in my life to help me with my voyage as a single mom. She is not only my boss, but she's my friend. She's played therapist. Adoption counselor. Relationship advice giver. She's my "Dear Abby" that I have just right down the hall. Then there's my co-workers. I've been there 2 1/2 years, and as a teacher I made so many friends. With the other teachers and with the parents there. Now that I am in administration I feel like I have more friends. With my co-workers in the front office I feel like I have people I can talk to, confide in, ask advice from and more. There is nothing in my life that makes me feel like I should say FML. Maybe FMC (my car) or FMZ (my zits) and even once a month FMP (my period) LOL! My never EVER EVER F my life. I love my life and everyone in it. I love my job. My kids, my family. Everything! This Sunday is going to begin a new chapter in my life and I am so excited! I am going to begin taking my children to Crossroads Fellowship. I quit my job as a nursery worker at Asbury so I can take my kids somewhere with a stronger children's program. While I love all the people at Asbury, I also want to work on my relationship with Christ. I wanna be a better Christian so I can teach my kids how to be better Christians as well. I hope that Brooke enjoys the program there, I know that I will. Then as Bryson grows he'll get to learn about the love of God and how he sent his son to save us. Brooke and Bryson are truly my greatest blessings in life and I want them to understand who gives us our blessings. :) Well this blog kinda jumped around a bit! LOL I hope you realize that FML is just the wrong acronym to use when tomorrow is going to be a better day. <3 Life may not be easy as a single mom, but I'm having a blast!

If only that was my hardest decision

As most of you know, I work in a daycare, at Aladdin's Castle, which was recently voted Best in The Basin for the 11th year!!!! :) Anyway, at the end of each day we have a basket full of dum-dums. A few of the kids will just grab and go, without even looking at the color that they got. Then there's a few of the kids who don't even want one, they just pass by the basket without giving a second glance. Of course there are a few each day who make it to the no sucker list for bad behavior. It's always sad to see those little hearts break. Then there's my few favorite kiddos, who I just LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch at the sucker basket. There's my little Red Raider fan who always wants a different color, sometimes brown sometimes yellow, but you better believe what ever color is on his mind..... he won't leave until he finds it. Then there's a few of the blue lovers. Blue is 100% the fan favorite. We run out of those faster than any other color. Then sometimes when we do run out, we have kids who will just skip a sucker all together. It's blue or its nothing!! We can't forget my sweet redheaded princess, I don't think she cares what color she gets, but if I pick it out, I always get her a pink one, because of course, princesses love pink!! So I'm sure you all are wondering why I've rambled on for a full page about what color suckers the kiddos pick. Well my point is, this is, for some of the kids, the most difficult decision they make all day!! They put a lot of stock into what color is chosen. And they get very upset if the desired color is not there. There's a lot to think about there. As adults, we make quick, rash, bad, and good decisions all day long. From the very moment we wake up... to hit snooze or not to hit snooze. Then onto, what are we going to wear today?? Usually accompanied with what will the child(ren) wear. On the way out the door the choice has to be made about seat belt, are you the type who always 100% wears yours?? ( BTW I am) While driving, speed up? Slow down? Pass the guy going 15 under the limit? Switch lanes? Every single choice you make while driving can affect if you get there safely or not. Then depending on your job there are hundreds of thousands of choices to make all day long. Last but not least, as you end your day what time will you go to bed? Will you shower now and savor that extra time to sleep in? Anyway, my point is we all take for granted how simple our lives used to be, how simple our decisions were at one point. So slow down and take your time. Make sure the choice you make is going to be one that will be the right one. As for me, my choice right now is to go to bed, because there will be no snooze button for me in the morning. Good night everyone and just because it's isn't always easy, doesn't mean it isn't fun!

Just try to never grow up.....

Wow.... If you know me, then you know Taylor Swift's music has an amazing impact on my life. I recently bought tickets to take my daughter to see her in Lubbock on October 14th. I can't wait I am so very excited!! To prepare for our mommy daughter trip I bought Taylor's new CD "Speak Now" Driving home I put it on and going through the songs we got to one called "Grow Up" I had to change it until we got home because it was making me cry. The very first lyrics are " Your little hand's wrapped round my finger, and it's so quiet in the world tonight.....You're little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming, so I tuck you in and turn on your favorite night light." Any mom knows that feeling. Holding your sleeping newborn their tiny little fingers wrapped around yours and their eyeslids flutter, they smile and it just instantly melts your heart. This ususally happens in the hospital the first night they're born and you can't put them down because you are so ridiculously amazed and in love with this tiny little person. Another line that really gets to me is "Oh darling don't you ever grow up, just stay this little, oh darling don't you ever grow up it could stay this simple." Last week I registered my princess for Kindergarten. It was honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I know it has to happen, and I know it's "not that big of a deal" But to me it is... school elementary and middle was not easy for me. I hated it most of the time, I didn't want to go. I was bullied, teased, made fun of, ridiculed, harrassed. I wasn't one of the "popular" kids and it was so hard to be on the end of their jokes. Without my few friends though the years I honestly don't know if I would've made it. Without Denise, Angie, and Angela at each school I went to I really don't know what I would've done. So for me school is a scary thing to put my daughter in. They handed me a sticker at the end of registration for Brookie, it said "I'm an Official Kindergardener" I took one look at that sticker and I cried. It seems like just yesterday I held her for the first time, laid her on the bed, unwrapped her made sure she had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. She was absoultely perfect. 6lbs 10oz of pure joy. I'm not gonna lie there are some days, I wanna strangle her or myself, but those days are few and far between. For the most part she is a very well behaved smart little girl. I love her more each day and I love watching her be an amazing big sister to Bryson. She tells me all the time," Momma how'd we get such a cute little baby, we're lucky huh?" I can't help but smile and reply with "yeah baby we are lucky, you can't imagine how lucky mommy is." I pray to God every day to thank him for my many blessings. Including a job that I love, a safe apartment for my family, 2 beautiful healthy loving kids...it goes on and on!! Back to the song...there's a line that says, "Don't loose the way that you danced around in your PJ's getting ready for school" I can not wait to have those moment with my daughter. I'm saddened by how fast she has grown into a beautiful little girl. But I am excited to watch her grow into a amazing young lady, sassy teenager, and ultimatly a remarkable woman raising her own family. For now I'll just listen to this Taylor Swift song, and cry tears that are a mix of saddness, happiness, fear, and excitement. So to my Brooke and my Bryson.... Oh Darlings, don't you ever grow up don't you ever grow up just stay this little, oh darlings don't you ever grow up don't you ever grow up it can stay this simple....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MggNFU0_4Fs

My life as a single mommy never fails to amaze me.... It's not always easy but my Lord.... it's so much fun!

Oh life.... you continue to amaze me!

There are only 2 more days left in April. And in May my daughter will be 5 and my son will be 1. This fact, no matter how many times I go over it in my still amazes me. Every day my heart grows more and more for these little ones. My daughter and her whitty words and big girl attitude. Sometimes it makes me crazy but it's ok because it's all a part of growing up. Then Bryson, oh my lovely sweet handsome little big boy! He's so little in the fact that he's only 11 months old and just a baby. Yet big in the fact that he's 25lbs, wearing 24mo clothes, off the bottle and walking!! Now he's slowling working his way onto real milk. I bought my LAST can of formula this weekend. It was an amazing feeling. It is so good to be so blessed. My daughter cracks me up with the things she says, she told me today, "How come we never visit Grandma?" my response was "Because Grandma Karen lives far far" and she said "No! Grandma Rhonda... I NEVER GET TO SEE HER..." I reminded her that she was just with her this weekend. When she said " Well yea, but I didn't really get to see her because we were eating." LOL She's such a funny girl! Bryson is starting to get such a personality too his teacher and I were talking about the fact that he hasn't been wanting to drink his cup and the whole time while she's talking to me and holding him he is doing this very fake very sarcastic sounding laugh! Almost as if he was making fun of us! It was too funny! Not every day is a good day, and not every night is an easy night. But I love my children more than I could ever imagine loving someone. They make my life worth living, and they make my world a better place with their smiles and laughter! There are somedays I just feel like I can't make it! But I know that each day is a new day and every day is worth it!! I love you Brooke Michelle and I love you Bryson Kole!! Without you two my world would be dull and worthless. You are the reason I wake up, the reason I sleep, and don't sleep sometimes LOL! Thank you God for allowing me to be the mommy to these 2 beautiful babies!! It's not always easy, but it sure is fun!!

Kids say the darndest things...part deux

Ok, I know I've done one like this before but I've said it before and I'll say it again. My daughter CRACKS ME UP!!! Or as she likes to say Cracks me out!! LOL We as I leave Aladdin's in my job to lock the chain across the street. Brooke was holding the lock and when I said "ok babe lemme hold it" She put her hand on her hip and said in her best valley girl voice "OMG, its myyyyyy lock...........I told you I was gonna hold it mother! AWKWARDS" Copying the girls from a disney show she likes when she said the AWKWARDS... I thought I was gonna die laughing!!! Litterally die laughing!!! Now we're sitting here at home playing with a toy plastic plane and she says Justin Beiber is on it and he's coming to sing to her. At which point she threw the plane and it crashed to floor. I started laughing and I said oh no you killed justin beiber!! She got so bad she almost cried and then she told me "Oh ya?? Oh ya?? Who you're favorite character...oohh jason aldean is on that plane and now he's died like justin beiber too!!" I fell off the couch laughing so hard!! I was laughing so loud I scared Bryson!! Funny funny funny stuff!!! Speaking of Bryson he is now standing on his own, and he took a step yesterday. It was just one step and he fell onto my leg immediatly but still it amazed me!! Plus if you watch that video he grabbed the cup from the bathtub and he drank from it like a big boy!! Yes it was yucky water, yes I took the cup away from him immidiatly after! But OMG he drank it! lol Speaking of kids say the darndest things.. or do the darndest things.... As you all know I work in a daycare so I hear some funny stuff all day long and almost every day!!!! Today there was a older kid who ask if I wanted to see what he could do. I said sure he then crossed his legs with his feet on his thighs and lifted up to his knees and WALKED ON HIS KNEES!!!!! It was sooooooo creepy looking and funny at the same time! It looked like an amputee walking on knubs. My tummy STILL hurts from laughing at that!!! Anyway, it's something you'd have to see to understand how creepy funny it was!! Anyway, today was purdy amazing!! ?It ain't always easy..but it sure is fun(ny)!!

Easier said than done.....

Ok, so to protect the identites of the people in this blog some names have been changed. LOL But if you know me, and are around me... you know who I'm talking about. My best friend "Mark" and I hadn't spoken in almost a year, and then 2 weeks ago we got in contact again. Well the past 2 weeks have been really amazing. We've been hanging out almost every day, it's almost like we're a couple again (we dated like 9 yrs ago lol) I know we're not actually together, but its still fun to spend time with him again. Brooke also loves him, she always has, and he loves the heck outa her!! Bryson doesn't seem to mind him too much either. Normally I don't let guys hang around my kids like that but with him its different. I love being around him, I love talking to him, I love most everything about him. He does have his flaws, and granted they are kinda big ones. But its ok, I love him for who he is, I always have and I probably always will. Anyway, the thing is, its so hard to be his friend sometimes because of the way I love him. He acts like he wants to be together but he's just not in a postion to do that. Plus I'm not 100% I'm ready for that either. But I am having a ton of fun being his friend. We've gone to rockin rodeo and danced the night away. We've gone to academy on a windy Sunday to pass the time. Gone to the park where he swang on the swing with Brooke. Today he fixed the a/c on my car and played with chalk outside with Brooke then we went to the mall and I don't know who I said settle down to more! Him or Brooke! LOL It's days like this what make me wonder what would've been if things had worked out with him in the begining. Would my 2 kids be his? Would his 2 kids be mine?  It also makes me think of David, it things had worked out with him would it be like this? Would he play too rough with Brooke after the baby went to sleep? Would he hold my son while I did the dishes and we laughed at the funny faces the baby makes?? It feels so right with "Mark" but it's not. We just get along well and he loves my babies. It could've been like this with David, or would it have been? What about Adrian? He was amazing with Brooke, always wanted kids. He loved playing with the kids outside around the neighborhood and seemed like one day he would make an amazing dad! Yet, now that he has a 9 month old son...I can count on one hand how many time he's seen him. I guess having Mark around has made me wonder what it'd be like if my babies had a Dad around. Its so amazing to watch him play with my kids, I can only imagine the joy it would bring my heart if it was their own dad and not someone elses. :( It makes me sad a little, but I know somewhere out there is a good man who will love me, and my children. He'll love them like his own and he's gonna treat us right. He's gonna be trustworthy and honest. Or maybe I'm delusional and it's just gonna be my kids and I for the rest of my life. :) I'm ok with that, because although it ain't alway easy.... it sure is fun!!

Happy Anniversary to me!!

 Wow, as of yesterday I've been at Aladdin's Castle for 2 years. What an amazing 2 years it has been. I started off in the Tiny 2's and fell in love with those potty training wild kids!! Now most of them are in the 4 year old class and I just can't believe how much they have grown. It is amazing to hear them spell their names or know their colors shapes and numbers without even a second thought! Then I moved into the Infant 2 room, I wasn't in there very long...but then again it doesn't take long to fall in love with those babies too!! Those kiddos are now in the one's and the tiny twos. Again, it is unreal to see how much they've have grown and developed in such a short time!! A lot of them are even big brothers are sisters now!! It's amazing how blessed these families are! Around August I moved into the Infant 1 room, these babies are 0-6 months old, and this is the class I've always wanted to be in. I can not believe how these babies and parents have touched and changed my life! I've had approx. 15 babies give or take a few. And each and every one of them has a special spot in my heart. It is such an honor to be trusted by these parents to love and care for their precious little ones! Being a mother of 2 I know the fears and worries and heartache that come with putting your baby in daycare for the first time!! Its fun to see all the different types of family set-ups. I've had single moms, single dads, married parents, parents who were together and not married, living with grandma, anything you can imagine! I've had so many different cultures to learn from and see how they raise and care for their children and babies. Everyone always says don't compare your baby to others because everyone is different. Take is from me..that statement couldn't be more true!! I've had a baby crawling before she moved up. And I've had a baby who didn't crawl until almost 10 months. Then there's my baby who was crawling and pulling up at 7 months. Its just so wonderful to watch each baby grow and devolop on their own time into smart and funny little toddlers who tell me about Blue's Clues or who love to squeeze my neck. Even more fun to watch them stop and look at my new babies and investigate them completly clueless to how small they used to be. There are a few of them who have pulled a little harder on my heart strings than others, like a little red head and a tiny little preemie who has grown into an amazingly strong and beautiful one year old! I can't help but hug and squeeze them every day. Well I've rambled on a little more than I meant to but as you can see I love my job, I love my babies, past present and future. Last but not least I love my parents who share them with me and make my job just as fun as the babies do! I look forward to watching your children continue to grow no matter where life takes us. Thank goodness for facebook! LOL