R.I.P. Anthony Nicholas Beaman

     I don't even know where to begin. For those of you who know, my family and I suffered an imaginable loss at the beginning of this month. For those of you who don't know, my little brother at only 20 years old committed suicide. As if that wasn't a tragedy enough alone, his girlfriend, who was only 18 went with him. These 2 young lives, wasted and gone. I didn't know Anthony's girlfriend but I can only imagine she was an amazing young woman who just chose the wrong path. What I do know is, my little brother, Anthony Nicholas was an amazing person. From the day he was born he had the world mesmerized by his smile. Captivated by his laugh.... and I can't lie, turning hairs gray with his behavior. He made his appearance on an October morning, October 25th, 1990. Also known as, picture day at my daycare. My school picture that year is a little rough. My hair is a bit uneven, and my eyes are a bit swollen. On the back of the picture it says, please excuse Amanda her mom was in the hospital last night giving birth to her little brother. <3 I remember that night she left like it was yesterday. Once he got home he had my whole heart... I wanted to hold him. I wanted to help feed him. I washed his bottles... and even though more soap and water ended up on the floor than in the bottles, my mom let me be the big sister I wanted to be. His first Christmas I remember mom was trying to fix the crooked tree and it fell over on top of her. We moved to an apartment complex on McRae and we went to EKS, I remember taking that picture on the first day of school in our uniforms. It was at that apartment that we got our first pets, hamsters we named Rascal and Brown Ears.... Tony's was brown ears.. he was super original. :) Not long after that we got our cat Tiger from Petsmart. She was a 1 1/2 I was 11 1/2. That cat became my best friend and eventually moved to Odessa with me a few years later. Then right before my 3rd little brother came around she moved back to El Paso to be with my mom and Tony. That's when she became his best friend. Anyway, enough about the animals. When I was 15 I moved to Odessa to live with my dad and step mom. I can't say I wish I hadn't. My high school years were the best years of my life. I have 2 beautiful children, friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. But I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't moved would that have changed things? Would I still have Tony? We all have guilt and anger over this. We are all saddened and confused. We are all left with a gaping hole in our hearts and a huge question of why??

     Just like the day Tony was born, I'll never forget the day I found out he was gone. I had a training for work that day and I had finally gotten home and was cooking dinner, sloppy Joe's. My mom sent me a text at 6:02, it said "Call me when you get home." I didn't have to call her I already knew. I put down my second sandwich and called her before 6:03 hit... she answered the phone, and I could hear the pain in her voice. I already knew, I prayed for a different kind of news... maybe he was in the hospital. Maybe he was in jail. A million things crossed my mind... but I knew. I screamed when she told me... I screamed no. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest, my head felt like it would explode. I went across the hall to ask my neighbor to come get my now frightened kids. The next week was a blur, but some how between Melissa, Lesli, Rhonda and others I survived. We had his service on October 8th. Which my mom has since told me was the day Anthony had listed as his birthday on Facebook. Some people would say its just a weird chance thing, but nothing in life is chance. My brother picked that date for a reason, no one, not even him knows why he did. But he did.

     During the meeting with the pastor to plan the services, my mom told her a story about Anthony's name. My brother's name was Anthony Nicholas Beaman. In the catholic religion, St. Anthony of Padua is the saint of lost things and missing persons. St. Nicholas is the catholic religion is the saint of many things, including children. My mom told the pastor that she named him Anthony Nicholas because she had a sense that he would be a lost little boy and hoped that these saints would work together to protect and guide him. I don't think she realized just how lost he was going to be.

     No one knew what was going to happen to Tony, no one could have prevented it. No one knows why, no one knows how come he didn't see the people that loved him. There are so many questions that will never be answered. So many hearts that will never heal completely. He hasn't even been gone for 3 weeks yet and I've already heard from at least 20 people who's lives were touched by Anthony. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I'm sorry for those of you who I haven't responded to yet. Slowly but surely I will get back to each and every one of you.

     I read about Tony's friends wearing the yellow ribbons I made for him... I just want to say thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Anthony's death is senseless and painful. No one should ever have to deal with this pain. By wearing that ribbon and telling Anthony's story maybe we can stop someone from making the same decision. If even one life is changed than our pain won't be in vain. Anthony's death won't be in vain. I can only imagine the tears that spilled while reading this post, as I know several of my own are streaked along my face. Thank you again for all the condolences. I can't imagine going through this tragedy with out everyone. Lesli, Rhonda, Jessie, Mom, Brooke, Tammy, Ellie, Taylor, Tiffany, Shannon, Melissa, Bryson, Vanessa, Donham Family, Patton Family, and so many others... Thank you. Slowly I am healing and I couldn't do it with out your support.