Happy Birthday Anthony Nicholas

21 years ago today I was given the 2nd most important title I would ever have. Big sister. 2nd only to Mommy. Being a big sister has been an amazing journey filled will love, happiness, pride and joy all the things that come with being a mommy, however with much less stress. However this month, being a big sister as also involved the worst and deepest pain I have ever felt in my life. My first baby brother is gone. He took his own life. He did it with drugs. And he did it with another long young soul. Every single one of these statements make it hurt just a little bit more. He would have been 21 today, he should have been 21 today. This was supposed to be a day where he made memories he'd never forget, yet not quite remember. After today, the next time I saw him I was going to take him out and we were gonna have a blast. This wasn't supposed to be such a painful day. I know Tony didn't spend it in pain, and that eases my heavy heart a little bit. But I cried so much today, I hugged so many people. I fake smile at others. I really smiled at a few. Thankfully because of my fantastic boyfriend, amazing job, wonderful family and fabulous support system I was able to make it through this day. I know I'm not the only one who had difficulty smiling today. But know that Tony was watching over all of us and keeping his hand over our broken hearts so that we wouldn't lose the pieces.
To celebrate Tony's birthday I went to the store and bought 3 balloons. I bought a foil one that said happy birthday. Then a lime green and a black one. The reason I bought 3 is so that there would be one for each of us, Brooke Bryson and Mommy. Both Brooke and I wrote a message on the green balloon, and then at 9:15 we let them go into the sky. I let her know that there are holes in the floor of heaven and so Tony would be waiting by a hole to catch the balloons..... I hope he got them. I think I've decided we will do that every year. It's so weird, I catch myself planning things I never thought of before. Things like how to do Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, even my wedding (that may never happen) all with remembering Tony. I know each day is going to be easier. And each day has gotten easier. But the pain will never go away. The hole will never heal. Hearing my daughter pray to Tony in heaven breaks my heart. Having her tell me that Tony is in our hearts with God helps the healing.
Thank you again to everyone who has made this day/month bearable. Without you I couldn't have made it through. Just to name a few thank you to Mom, Rhonda, Daddy, Melissa, Lesli, Jessie, Tammy, Ellie, Ami, Tiffany, Vanessa, Larry (leader of my grief class), Keesha, Brooke and Bryson, Keeghan, Khaiden, Zia, Michaela, Cheyenne, Matt N, Auntie Patty, Angie Donham, Nikki Patton, Uncle Boy, Granny...and so many many more. Thank you so much for being there for. Even if it was just a hug, Text, phone call, or prayer. For some it was a Dr.Pepper a snickers bar. Others it was a unconditional shoulder to cry on. Some it was a daily text saying "i love you". No matter what it was... Thank you. I love you for your support and I'll never be able to show my gratitude. <3
　
I feel like I've been focusing so much on Tony I haven't given my other brothers credit. Keeghan is kickin ass and takin names in the Ector Jr High band, he's in percussion and he had his first concert tonight. It was so awesome and I can't wait to see him progress in his journey. Khaiden is as crazy as ever, in first grade and amazes me more every time I see him. I can't be there for them the way I'd like to be since I have my own family now but I want them to know, and I tell them every chance I get... that I love them. I am proud of them. And they absolutely fabulous!!