Lost and Confused...

          I'm so lost. I don't know what to do, it seems like when the days are good, they're just ok. But when they're bad... it's damn near rock bottom. It's been almost a year since I've seen my brother, the day after Christmas, we drove back from El Paso and him and mom continued on to Maryland. I know I hugged him that day.... I know Brooke hugged him that day. Why didn't we hug him more? Why didn't I take that trip to visit in July. There are so many whys left unanswered... and they can never be changed. They can never be answered. Even after reading his note, where he gave his reason why. It opened more questions about why did he feel that way. Why was he sad. Why did he honestly believe our lives would be easier and happier with out him. I've read a few suicide survivor tips and they all say that its ok to wear out those "Whys?" until I feel like I don't need to know why anymore. But I can't imagine ever not wanting to know why. I loved him, 110% in love with him from the day he was born until the day that I die. He was my baby brother, and I, as his big sister had the responsibility of protecting him.
         I know that no matter when he did this it would've hurt. But I can't help but wonder if it hurts more because we lost him on October 1st. Only twenty four days later was his 21st birthday. A day that should've been a huge celebration was instead a incredibly sad day. Only 6 days later was Halloween, and most if not all of my really good Halloween memories are going up and down the streets of El Paso with him loading up on tons of candy. Fifteen days after that is my birthday. My 25th birthday, growing up I always told Tony that I wouldn't be the sister to buy him beer ect. before he was legal. However I did tell him that on my birthday, after he was 21 we could party hardy. That was going to be this birthday...and now that's not possible. Once I get past my birthday in only 9 days it's Thanksgiving. A month later, Christmas. It's just all the "firsts" that you have to struggle through after losing someone are all within 3 months of his death. I just feel so hopeless and lost. I know I'm not the only one in my family feeling this. I'm not alone in my sorrow and depression. But my mom, the other person who is hurting as much as I am...well no much worse than I am.... lives 1,000 miles away.
         I just wish I knew how to sort through all these feelings. I don't want to feel so lost and confused. I'm distracted 90% of the time. I'm more forgetful than normal, which for those of you who know me... I'm already pretty damn forgetful. I'll be in the middle of a sentence and my thought will just leave me. I'll be driving down the road and the tears will just start from no where. One day it'll be ok. I know that it will be. It has to be... no one can live in this amount of pain for the rest of their lives. :'(