R.I.P. Anthony Nicholas Beaman

     I don't even know where to begin. For those of you who know, my family and I suffered an imaginable loss at the beginning of this month. For those of you who don't know, my little brother at only 20 years old committed suicide. As if that wasn't a tragedy enough alone, his girlfriend, who was only 18 went with him. These 2 young lives, wasted and gone. I didn't know Anthony's girlfriend but I can only imagine she was an amazing young woman who just chose the wrong path. What I do know is, my little brother, Anthony Nicholas was an amazing person. From the day he was born he had the world mesmerized by his smile. Captivated by his laugh.... and I can't lie, turning hairs gray with his behavior. He made his appearance on an October morning, October 25th, 1990. Also known as, picture day at my daycare. My school picture that year is a little rough. My hair is a bit uneven, and my eyes are a bit swollen. On the back of the picture it says, please excuse Amanda her mom was in the hospital last night giving birth to her little brother. <3 I remember that night she left like it was yesterday. Once he got home he had my whole heart... I wanted to hold him. I wanted to help feed him. I washed his bottles... and even though more soap and water ended up on the floor than in the bottles, my mom let me be the big sister I wanted to be. His first Christmas I remember mom was trying to fix the crooked tree and it fell over on top of her. We moved to an apartment complex on McRae and we went to EKS, I remember taking that picture on the first day of school in our uniforms. It was at that apartment that we got our first pets, hamsters we named Rascal and Brown Ears.... Tony's was brown ears.. he was super original. :) Not long after that we got our cat Tiger from Petsmart. She was a 1 1/2 I was 11 1/2. That cat became my best friend and eventually moved to Odessa with me a few years later. Then right before my 3rd little brother came around she moved back to El Paso to be with my mom and Tony. That's when she became his best friend. Anyway, enough about the animals. When I was 15 I moved to Odessa to live with my dad and step mom. I can't say I wish I hadn't. My high school years were the best years of my life. I have 2 beautiful children, friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. But I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't moved would that have changed things? Would I still have Tony? We all have guilt and anger over this. We are all saddened and confused. We are all left with a gaping hole in our hearts and a huge question of why??

     Just like the day Tony was born, I'll never forget the day I found out he was gone. I had a training for work that day and I had finally gotten home and was cooking dinner, sloppy Joe's. My mom sent me a text at 6:02, it said "Call me when you get home." I didn't have to call her I already knew. I put down my second sandwich and called her before 6:03 hit... she answered the phone, and I could hear the pain in her voice. I already knew, I prayed for a different kind of news... maybe he was in the hospital. Maybe he was in jail. A million things crossed my mind... but I knew. I screamed when she told me... I screamed no. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest, my head felt like it would explode. I went across the hall to ask my neighbor to come get my now frightened kids. The next week was a blur, but some how between Melissa, Lesli, Rhonda and others I survived. We had his service on October 8th. Which my mom has since told me was the day Anthony had listed as his birthday on Facebook. Some people would say its just a weird chance thing, but nothing in life is chance. My brother picked that date for a reason, no one, not even him knows why he did. But he did.

     During the meeting with the pastor to plan the services, my mom told her a story about Anthony's name. My brother's name was Anthony Nicholas Beaman. In the catholic religion, St. Anthony of Padua is the saint of lost things and missing persons. St. Nicholas is the catholic religion is the saint of many things, including children. My mom told the pastor that she named him Anthony Nicholas because she had a sense that he would be a lost little boy and hoped that these saints would work together to protect and guide him. I don't think she realized just how lost he was going to be.

     No one knew what was going to happen to Tony, no one could have prevented it. No one knows why, no one knows how come he didn't see the people that loved him. There are so many questions that will never be answered. So many hearts that will never heal completely. He hasn't even been gone for 3 weeks yet and I've already heard from at least 20 people who's lives were touched by Anthony. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I'm sorry for those of you who I haven't responded to yet. Slowly but surely I will get back to each and every one of you.

     I read about Tony's friends wearing the yellow ribbons I made for him... I just want to say thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Anthony's death is senseless and painful. No one should ever have to deal with this pain. By wearing that ribbon and telling Anthony's story maybe we can stop someone from making the same decision. If even one life is changed than our pain won't be in vain. Anthony's death won't be in vain. I can only imagine the tears that spilled while reading this post, as I know several of my own are streaked along my face. Thank you again for all the condolences. I can't imagine going through this tragedy with out everyone. Lesli, Rhonda, Jessie, Mom, Brooke, Tammy, Ellie, Taylor, Tiffany, Shannon, Melissa, Bryson, Vanessa, Donham Family, Patton Family, and so many others... Thank you. Slowly I am healing and I couldn't do it with out your support.

Young Love no matter what age...

New love is so much fun no matter what age you are. A good friend of mine, who is quite a bit older than I am who is in a new relationship. They haven't been together long but she is head over heels in love with him, and he is head over heels in love with her!! It is so amazing to watch their relationship grow, and I couldn't be happier for her. I smile just as big as she does every time she gets flowers from him. I feel my heart get warm from her stories of their dates/conversations. There's not many people I know who deserve this happiness more than her. It's just an all around awesome thing!

     Then there's my little brother, he has his first girlfriend. Her name is Alyson and so adorable. I haven't met her, only seen her picture on Facebook. She calls him like 15 times a day and it cracks me up!! I remember my first boyfriend and all the feelings that came with it. Josh wasn't my first love but I'll always remember him and he's just a good memory. I love that Keeghan has finally opened up and gotten over his shyness. I honestly never thought he'd have a girlfriend this young. I hope that when this relationship ends, as all/most do. I hope that I can be there for him, I hope he lets me be his rock and help him though his first heart break.

     Then there's me. I actually am in a relationship now. He's a really good guy, and turns out we went to OHS together. Now don't take me wrong, I'm not saying what we have is love already. It's just a lot of fun. He's so sweet to me. He's eager to meet the kids. Most of all he makes me smile. I get a text every morning, texts through out the day. Then in the evening if we can we hang out, if not we just talk/text. I'm trying to handle this relationship better than I have handled my past ones, because obviously those didn't work LOL! So far I'm very pleased with the way its going. I'm trying to not take it too fast. But I'm not draggin my feet either. I mean after all, I'm going to be 25 in a month an a half and I'm not getting any younger. Then there's the kid issue. Right now I'm 99.999999% sure I don't want another one. And that's why I have an IUD... for 10 years!! But if I end up with someone who doesn't have kids of their own then I want the option to be open. I don't wanna be so old that the choice to have another one isn't even there. Now Mom, Rhonda, April, Daddy and any other "elder" in my life... if you read this... I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BABY EVER!! But I may not feel that way if I meet the right person and that's what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about ending up as a single mom to 3 little monsters, no thanks!!!


It's funny I didn't want a relationship, I wasn't looking for one, I wasn't lonely or sick of being single. But now that I'm with Jessie, I'm super happy that I am. And I'm excited to see where this goes. The awesome thing is I know that it's in God's hands. With that knowledge if it works out, it's what His plan is. If not, then He has other plans for me and that's ok. Because even though being a single mom isn't so easy, seems like being a single mom (with a boyfriend) is kinda fun! :)

I don't wanna do this wrong..

Not sure if who ever is reading this knows or not..but I was bullied in school. Almost every year until my sophomore year. I don't really have much to say about it other than... it sucked. It sucked really really bad. Well, my daughter started kindergarten this year. And it scares me so bad. I don't want her to go through what I went through each year. I don't want her to have days where she goes to the bathroom and cries because there's nothing else to do. I don't want her to feel like there's no where to turn. Like she doesn't fit in. Like she'll never fit in. This morning dropping Brooke off at school I saw a girl, she couldn't have been older than 4th grade. She was wearing FULL MAKE UP. She had eye shadow, and eye liner, blush, mascara, and even lip gloss. It just made me think of Brooke. I can't imagine allowing her to wear make up that young. I mean yeah, I let her wear show/cheer make up sometimes when she plays around but not on a daily basis. I just want to do this right. I don't want her to get made fun of because her mommy doesn't let her wear make up. Or wear hoochie momma clothes. I don't want people not to be her friend because she lives in an apartment. Or because I'm a single mom. I don't want people to look down on her because she wears clothes from Wal-Mart and Target and not A&F. It just so much to think about. Kids are so heartless and cruel. I want to raise my daughter to accept anyone and everyone. I want her to realize it's the inside not the outside that matters. That it's what the person has in the their heart and not what brand they have on their shoes. I guess maybe I think too much. But I know that my daughter will be 10X more likely to be a victim than my son. Girls are just so much more mean, and so much more sensitive. If Bryson is a little chunky in school, he's a good football lineman. If Brookie were to be chunky in school she's a fat kid. Or some other cruel name the kids come up with. I love both my kids with all my heart and I would do everything and anything to protect them. But the scariest thing is, there's absolutely nothing I can do to protect them from this kind of pain. I guess maybe I shouldn't worry about this stuff until they happen, if they happen. It's just as a mother your mind is always rushing to the future with your kids. I love you my sweet little Brooke Michelle, and my handsome little Bryson Kole. May God protect you and keep you in this crazy journey called life. :) It's not always easy, but it sure is fun!

5 years from now, and 10 years ago today......

     Have you ever been asked, Where will you/ Where do you want to be in 5 years?? It's kind of a silly question if you think about it. With the 10 year anniversary of the September 11th attack today it's kind of weird to think about it. 10 years ago I was a Freshman at Coronado High School, we had just finished the early morning practice with the band. A girl.... I don't remember her name, but if I saw her today I would know it was her. She was a flute player, she had long black hair and she came in and said. "The world is ending America is under attack in New York." I remember laughing, along with several other people. Thinking she was kidding. A few minutes later Mr. Capshaw, the band director came in and let us know, the horrific truth. She wasn't wrong, she wasn't kidding. The world may not have been ending but something had happened in New York City. He turned on the TV and we watch the smoke roll out of the 1st tower, as we were sitting there in the band hall trying to figure out what was going on....we heard the lady on the news in a panicked voice say there was another plane heading toward the 2nd tower. Within seconds of her saying that it hit... there was complete silence in the band hall, and I can only imagine all over the country. It all started coming together, we watched the news for the rest of the class. Then the bell rang. We each went on to our other classes, but I really don't think anybody did anything in any class that they went to. I can remember in each class we went to we watched the news unfold on the TV. Living in a border city, with an military base, several kids left early. The whole day was just so surreal. In between classes was eerily quiet. No one knew what to say, think or assume was going to happen next. If you had asked me that day....where do you see yourself in 5 years??? I can honestly say that don't know what I would've said. Maybe I would've replied with in college somewhere. Maybe with a long term boyfriend. Possible engaged, maybe even married. I really don't remember what my goals/dreams were at that time in my life. What I can tell you, is 5 years later, on September 11, 2006 I was a proud proud mommy of a beautiful 3 month old baby girl. I was trying to find my way through life, trying to figure out how I was gonna do this all by myself. Trying to decide how to integrate David and his other family into mine and Brooke's life. Another thing I can tell you, is 5 years from September 11, 2001.... I wasn't where I thought I would be. But I was a mommy and my life was amazing watching my daughter grow.
On September 11, 2006 if you had asked me, where do you see yourself in 5 years?? I would've probably said something involving Brooke being in kindergarten. Maybe I would've said I hoped I'd be married with another child. Or finished/finishing college. There's so many things I could've said that I wanted for my daughter and I. Yet today, on September 11, 2011 I'm at a place in life that I would've never in a million years guess I'd be. I'm a single mother of 2. Neither dad is really involved. I get less than 300 a month in child support, combined from both dads. I make less than $1,500 a month. My credit is shot, so I can't apply for a loan on a house, on a car on a vacation for my kids. But.... I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I wake up each day looking forward to another day with my babies. Another day at a job that I love. Another day to grow in my budding relationship with Jesus Christ. Most importantly, another day. I am so blessed in life in so many ways.
So where do I want to be 5 years from today??? Exactly where I am. In love with my children. In a job that I love. With friends and family that help me to be where I am each day. Maybe I'd like to be in a house rather than an apartment. It'd be nice to be a little more financially stable. I wouldn't be offended if I was in a stable and healthy relationship with a man who loves my children as his own. The best thing about today, and 5 years from today, is if nothing changed. I'd be ok. I am so happy with my life and everything in it. I look forward to every morning getting ready for school and work. I relish each day at work with friends, and the kids that are there so bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. Lastly I cherish each precious moment that I have each evening with my children getting ready for bed.
Thank you to all the first responders who risk their lives for strangers every day. Thank you to all the military who put their lives on the line to protect our freedom. We will never forget the 2,977 people who lost their lives on that horrible day. Living this life as a single mom raising 2 children to be the type of people I want them to be as adult isn't always easy. But every day is a new a fun adventure, and it's always a new adventure!

Worst Accronym Ever! (FML)

FML- F*** My life. THE WORST ACRONYM I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!! Right now someone some where is planning their mom's funeral. Some one some where has just buried their infant/child. Someone some where a husband is having to go home to their family and explain why they were laid off today. There's someone in the world who has no roof over their head... No food in their belly. But yet, so many people are Facebook saying FML. Over the tiniest little things. Ex: My car ran out of gas. FML. Or something like I failed my math class. FML. You know what, I wish there was some kind of magical button that I could push that when someone says FML over something so stupid that they suddenly feel the pain of someone some where else. Maybe a mom who is having to hold her still born baby and is going to say goodbye, before she even got to say hello. NO matter what you're going through, there is someone going through worse. I'm not saying it's not OK to be upset with what's going on in your life. But FML... I just hate that statement. I have been extremely blessed. I have not only a beautiful, smart, amazingly funny daughter. I also am blessed with an amazing, strong, healthy baby boy. Those 2 are my heart. My whole heart. With them everything is better. With out them, nothing would matter. I am also blessed with an amazing job. A job that I can wake up in the morning and say (without sarcasm) I'm looking forward to go to work today!!! I have a awesome boss. Who without a doubt is a person God deliberately put in my life to help me with my voyage as a single mom. She is not only my boss, but she's my friend. She's played therapist. Adoption counselor. Relationship advice giver. She's my "Dear Abby" that I have just right down the hall. Then there's my co-workers. I've been there 2 1/2 years, and as a teacher I made so many friends. With the other teachers and with the parents there. Now that I am in administration I feel like I have more friends. With my co-workers in the front office I feel like I have people I can talk to, confide in, ask advice from and more. There is nothing in my life that makes me feel like I should say FML. Maybe FMC (my car) or FMZ (my zits) and even once a month FMP (my period) LOL! My never EVER EVER F my life. I love my life and everyone in it. I love my job. My kids, my family. Everything! This Sunday is going to begin a new chapter in my life and I am so excited! I am going to begin taking my children to Crossroads Fellowship. I quit my job as a nursery worker at Asbury so I can take my kids somewhere with a stronger children's program. While I love all the people at Asbury, I also want to work on my relationship with Christ. I wanna be a better Christian so I can teach my kids how to be better Christians as well. I hope that Brooke enjoys the program there, I know that I will. Then as Bryson grows he'll get to learn about the love of God and how he sent his son to save us. Brooke and Bryson are truly my greatest blessings in life and I want them to understand who gives us our blessings. :) Well this blog kinda jumped around a bit! LOL I hope you realize that FML is just the wrong acronym to use when tomorrow is going to be a better day. <3 Life may not be easy as a single mom, but I'm having a blast!

If only that was my hardest decision

As most of you know, I work in a daycare, at Aladdin's Castle, which was recently voted Best in The Basin for the 11th year!!!! :) Anyway, at the end of each day we have a basket full of dum-dums. A few of the kids will just grab and go, without even looking at the color that they got. Then there's a few of the kids who don't even want one, they just pass by the basket without giving a second glance. Of course there are a few each day who make it to the no sucker list for bad behavior. It's always sad to see those little hearts break. Then there's my few favorite kiddos, who I just LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch at the sucker basket. There's my little Red Raider fan who always wants a different color, sometimes brown sometimes yellow, but you better believe what ever color is on his mind..... he won't leave until he finds it. Then there's a few of the blue lovers. Blue is 100% the fan favorite. We run out of those faster than any other color. Then sometimes when we do run out, we have kids who will just skip a sucker all together. It's blue or its nothing!! We can't forget my sweet redheaded princess, I don't think she cares what color she gets, but if I pick it out, I always get her a pink one, because of course, princesses love pink!! So I'm sure you all are wondering why I've rambled on for a full page about what color suckers the kiddos pick. Well my point is, this is, for some of the kids, the most difficult decision they make all day!! They put a lot of stock into what color is chosen. And they get very upset if the desired color is not there. There's a lot to think about there. As adults, we make quick, rash, bad, and good decisions all day long. From the very moment we wake up... to hit snooze or not to hit snooze. Then onto, what are we going to wear today?? Usually accompanied with what will the child(ren) wear. On the way out the door the choice has to be made about seat belt, are you the type who always 100% wears yours?? ( BTW I am) While driving, speed up? Slow down? Pass the guy going 15 under the limit? Switch lanes? Every single choice you make while driving can affect if you get there safely or not. Then depending on your job there are hundreds of thousands of choices to make all day long. Last but not least, as you end your day what time will you go to bed? Will you shower now and savor that extra time to sleep in? Anyway, my point is we all take for granted how simple our lives used to be, how simple our decisions were at one point. So slow down and take your time. Make sure the choice you make is going to be one that will be the right one. As for me, my choice right now is to go to bed, because there will be no snooze button for me in the morning. Good night everyone and just because it's isn't always easy, doesn't mean it isn't fun!

Just try to never grow up.....

Wow.... If you know me, then you know Taylor Swift's music has an amazing impact on my life. I recently bought tickets to take my daughter to see her in Lubbock on October 14th. I can't wait I am so very excited!! To prepare for our mommy daughter trip I bought Taylor's new CD "Speak Now" Driving home I put it on and going through the songs we got to one called "Grow Up" I had to change it until we got home because it was making me cry. The very first lyrics are " Your little hand's wrapped round my finger, and it's so quiet in the world tonight.....You're little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming, so I tuck you in and turn on your favorite night light." Any mom knows that feeling. Holding your sleeping newborn their tiny little fingers wrapped around yours and their eyeslids flutter, they smile and it just instantly melts your heart. This ususally happens in the hospital the first night they're born and you can't put them down because you are so ridiculously amazed and in love with this tiny little person. Another line that really gets to me is "Oh darling don't you ever grow up, just stay this little, oh darling don't you ever grow up it could stay this simple." Last week I registered my princess for Kindergarten. It was honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I know it has to happen, and I know it's "not that big of a deal" But to me it is... school elementary and middle was not easy for me. I hated it most of the time, I didn't want to go. I was bullied, teased, made fun of, ridiculed, harrassed. I wasn't one of the "popular" kids and it was so hard to be on the end of their jokes. Without my few friends though the years I honestly don't know if I would've made it. Without Denise, Angie, and Angela at each school I went to I really don't know what I would've done. So for me school is a scary thing to put my daughter in. They handed me a sticker at the end of registration for Brookie, it said "I'm an Official Kindergardener" I took one look at that sticker and I cried. It seems like just yesterday I held her for the first time, laid her on the bed, unwrapped her made sure she had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. She was absoultely perfect. 6lbs 10oz of pure joy. I'm not gonna lie there are some days, I wanna strangle her or myself, but those days are few and far between. For the most part she is a very well behaved smart little girl. I love her more each day and I love watching her be an amazing big sister to Bryson. She tells me all the time," Momma how'd we get such a cute little baby, we're lucky huh?" I can't help but smile and reply with "yeah baby we are lucky, you can't imagine how lucky mommy is." I pray to God every day to thank him for my many blessings. Including a job that I love, a safe apartment for my family, 2 beautiful healthy loving kids...it goes on and on!! Back to the song...there's a line that says, "Don't loose the way that you danced around in your PJ's getting ready for school" I can not wait to have those moment with my daughter. I'm saddened by how fast she has grown into a beautiful little girl. But I am excited to watch her grow into a amazing young lady, sassy teenager, and ultimatly a remarkable woman raising her own family. For now I'll just listen to this Taylor Swift song, and cry tears that are a mix of saddness, happiness, fear, and excitement. So to my Brooke and my Bryson.... Oh Darlings, don't you ever grow up don't you ever grow up just stay this little, oh darlings don't you ever grow up don't you ever grow up it can stay this simple....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MggNFU0_4Fs

My life as a single mommy never fails to amaze me.... It's not always easy but my Lord.... it's so much fun!