Wish he had kept his word

I know some people are going to think I'm crazy for sharing this. Or for even feeling this way. But it's my blog, and it's where I clear my mind. So here it goes. As most of you know now Jessie and I have been broken up (officially) since June 14. I did pretty good at walking away, for a little bit and then we talked and tried to do the friend thing. When that didn't work (because we're too much in love I guess) we half way decided to maybe work on things. That didn't last long because he hadn't changed a bit. So I walked away again. Well after the same thing of back and forth from June to the end of August, beginning of September we were finally doing good as friends. And then I made one smart ass comment (shocking I know... come on now) and he gets all huffy and decides we can't be friends anymore. Ok whatever, I guess I'm ok with that. It's what's needs to happen for me to move on anyway. I guess. But even though I've forgiven the cheating. Even though I've "gotten over it" The thing that still gets to me is he was supposed to be there for me during the past few weeks. When Anthony died I tried to push Jessie away I told him I didn't want to have that connection between him and my brother's death. But he pushed back and ended up winning and staying. Around our 6 month anniversary, and a week before Tony's 6 month angelversary Jessie told me he'd always be there for me when it came to Tony. No matter what happened between us he said he'd be there. Which was very comforting because he had been the main one who was there for me at any time of day or night. He was the one who held me while I woke up and cried from a nightmare. He was the one who paid for me to go get a pedicure on Tony's birthday to help cheer me up. He was my rock and anchor through the first 11 months. Yet, I had to go to El Paso without him, which us being broke up I wouldn't have expected him to go. But that was the original plan. Then on Tony's actual angelversary I don't know why, but I thought I'd hear from him. Even a simple text like, hope you're ok. Something to show that he did half way care about me and what I went through and allowed him to be a part of. I let him be apart of my life during the time when I was most vulnerable and I guess he took advantage of that. He knew that I needed him and he needed to be the hero. I guess as soon as I was strong enough to stand on my own 2 feet again he needed to find a new damsel in distress. It just annoys me and hurts me that he hasn't checked to see how I've been doing in the wake of Anthony's angelversary. I honestly thought he would have. Maybe I just expect too much from people, I just don't know. What I do know though... Is with or with out him. I'm going to be ok. I'm going to continue to live my life and help others in Anthony's memory. I'm probably going to get an earful from people about this and before you comment let me be clear. I don't miss Jessie exactly... I miss having someone there for me when I needed someone most. I miss having someone to wipe the tears away and tell me I'm going to be ok. I don't miss Jessie my boyfriend. I miss Jessie my friend. We had been talking since April 2011, before my bubba was even born. So that's a long time to just stop, especially after going through what I went through with him by my side. Anyway... I know my blogs are usually not so pity party, but I was just thinking a lot this week and needed to get it off my chest. Since I don't really have anyone I can just talk to about anything when ever... I decided to do it here. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I don't want to relapse AGAIN and try talking to him. =/ But if anyone wants to take his movies back to his apartment for me, that'd be great LOL

1 year down, the rest of my life to go.

6:02 PM- October 1,2011. The moment, date and time that will forever be burned into my heart. I remember what I was wearing, what I was eating. I remember where I was sitting. I remember the unimaginable pain that coursed through my body beginning from my heart and over the next few days spreading through every inch of my soul. The text was from my mom. It was short, and simple. But in 6 words my world came crashing down around me. "Call me when you get home." We had been looking for Anthony for a little over 12 hours at that point.... I knew the text meant something bad. I remember the sinking feeling in my gut, I knew something was wrong. I never imagined the news I would receive less than a minute later would be that my baby brother was gone. That he had taken his own life and I would never see him again. My kids would never see him again. Even now, a year later. I still can't put into words what that felt like. It was kind of a combination of pain, emptiness, shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, nausea, and so many other things. Growing up, your siblings are usually the closest people to you. And although Tony and I didn't get along we were very close. I mean we were all each other had at times. We both were kinda the odd man out of school. It's hard to explain our relationship. We didn't get along, we fought like crazy but.. let me tell you. If someone messed with my baby brother, it was on like Donkey Kong! I miss him so much. I miss him more some days than others. However there is never ever a day that I don't wish I could hear his laugh one more time. In the last years of his life we didn't hear that beautiful sound near enough.

They say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see that when a tragedy happens. I can't say that I even see it now. What I do know is that Anthony's death has thrown me had first into suicide prevention and awareness. What I also know is that Anthony was a very special and unique person. There was no one like him in the world, and the world wouldn't have been able to handle 2 of him. So maybe that's why this happened. Maybe that's the rhyme behind the reason. Maybe, just maybe the world couldn't handle to souls like Anthony on it at the same time. So 13 weeks before his son Leo was born maybe the world needed to make room for another soul so unique and amazing. I know this may not make sense to some of you, it doesn't to me either. It doesn't sound fair either.
Guilt is an unforgiving emotion. It keeps you awake at night. It makes you want to sleep all the time. It gives you headaches. It makes you numb. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS GUILT ABOUT ANTHONY'S DEATH. Make no mistake about this. None of us treated him "good". However, we seem to forget the fact that he didn't treat us too kind either. He was shut off the world. He pushed away people and help. We can't sit here and say we didn't do anything to help, because that simply isn't the case. We all tried, we all loved the hell out of him. But he was just too far gone. Yes, I could've done more. Yes, you should've answered that call. And you should've forwarded that message. You should've called just because. I should've sent that birthday card. She shouldn't have hurt him. He shouldn't have bullied him. WE ALL have should'ves... But nothing will change that. Ever. Rather than focusing on the things we should've done, why don't we focus on the things we DID DO? I was the most sister I knew how to be given our situation. My mom, single mother 2 of gave us everything we needed and wanted and worked her ass off to get where she is today. Moneek, Cheyenne, Regan, Michaela, and so many other girls (NOT GIRLFRIENDS, SOME SIMPLY FRIENDS) all of you showed him amazing love. Matt... You were an amazing friend. I know how much he loved you, how much he always had loved you. So many of you touched my brother in amazing ways, and he touched each of you. There is nothing any of us could've done to save him. He was a lost soul in a hard world. He didn't see the world the way we did. He didn't see the beauty, the amazing and wonderful promise of the future. He couldn't, not through the haze of the drugs. Which brings me back to another things. Drugs. I am BEGGING PLEADING asking....  Get clean. Get sober. You guys have your WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF YOU. Uppers, downers, alcohol.... they all can destroy your way of thinking. Make you think it's the only thing to make you feel better. It's not. The world is an amazing, beautiful place if you would only give it a chance. Look around, it's the little things that make things wonderful. The pregnant woman walking by smiling at the feeling of her unborn child. The child laughing at the silly face his dad is making. The butterfly floating around the park. The warmth from sheets right out of the dryer. The lightening against a backdrop of mountains. The shooting star in the midnight sky.


I can go on and on and on. But I've already been so scattered with this I don't know what else to say. I loved, and still love my brother. But I guess through out the past year I have finally accepted a few things about his death that I can not change. I still haven't completely accepted the fact that I will never see him again. I haven't accepted the fact that Leo doesn't have a father. There are so many things that I just can't physically wrap my mind around. It's too scary. Thank you for reading, I am sorry it's so scattered but that's how my thoughts are.

Brooke and her Uncle Tony 

The 3 of us on Vacation.

Me and Tony as children.

Tony, probably 2 or so. 

My Tattoo in Memory of Anthony Nicholas Beaman

Brooke and Uncle Tony 

A self shot of Tony. 

Feel free to save this and use it as your Facebook banner. 

Every 18 minutes.....

Every 18 minutes someone in the US dies by suicide. That's 3 every hour. 80 a day. 560 A WEEK. 2,240 A MONTH. APPROXIMATELY 26,880 A YEAR! That's in the United States alone! I was driving home the other day and I heard a commercial for food safety. Put your leftovers in the fridge to prevent food poisoning. Because obviously food poisoning is preventable. The commercial goes on to say that this year, almost 3,000 people will die from food posioning. While that is very sad, and my prayers go out to the families of those almost 3,000 people... what about the 26,880 familes that will have to go through the pain, confusion, guilt, stress, and unimaginable loss of a loved one to suicide? How is it there is a budget for a commercial on the radio several times daily to try to prevent almost 3,000 deaths, yet everyone is so hush hush about the almost 30,000 suicides? Suicide is JUST AS PREVENTABLE as food posioning! The stigma and shame that comes with mental illnesses and suicides is ridiculous. We, as a whole need to open our eyes and realize what is happening in our own backyard. We need to reach out to those in need. Pray for those who are lost. Open our hearts to those who feel like they are unloved. One way to help is walk in one of the many Out of the Darkness walks happening this fall around the country. Here are the ones in Texas:
Lubbock: September 16
San Antonio: September
Midland: October 6
Houston: November 3
Witchita Falls: November 3
Austin: November 4
Dallas: November 10
Ediburg: November 17
November 17th is also the International Survivors of Suicide day. There will be conferences held around the world to talk about the unique kind of pain that comes from suicide and so that you can be introduced to people in your area who are going through the same kind of loss. You can find more information on these at the website. www.asp.org Please reach out to those who need help. Not everyone will ask on their own.

I can't say why or how....

But I've forgiven Jessie. I'm not going into details about what happened between us but it's something most people wouldn't ever be able to forgive. Now, don't get me wrong, when I say I've forgiven him it doesn't mean we're back together. It doesn't even mean we're friends. As a matter of fact, we still aren't talking and I think it needs to stay like that a little while longer. But holding this grudge against him, the guy that I'm crazy in love with is exhausting. It's so confusing and it wears me down. So I'm going to forgive, but not forget. I'm not saying that I want to try again with him. I'm not saying I wanna be BFF's. However...down the road, if I do want either of those things I am old enough to make my own choices and deal the with concequences. I've made mistakes in the past with who I've given my heart, trust and love to, but I don't feel Jessie was a mistake. I did, and still do love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. He was my best friend for 9 months. He became a part of every inch of my life. My family life, my personal life, my private life, my fun life. He was in it all. He came to church with me a few times, something that when we first began dating he said wouldn't ever happen. He was amazing with my kids, and the only father figure (other than my dad) they've ever had consistantly in their lives. He attended school functions, he changed diapers, he babysat. He was an amazing "dad". He was everything I've ever wanted and never thought I'd find. I know it sounds crazy but I know in my heart of hearts that God placed him into my life for a reason. Maybe it was to be a learning experience Possibly to be a friend. But who knows, maybe he came into my life for so much more than that. A lot of people have told me, oh don't worry you'll find someone who treats you better. Well... while that might be true, I don't think I'll find someone else I connect with on the level Jessie and I did. We both have a lot to learn. We both have had a rough past when it comes to relationships. And (sorry if you read this) but our biological parents haven't exactly set the best examples of happily ever after. Now I AM NOT place ANY OUNCE of blame on them for what has happen between Jessie and I, or me and any of my former boyfriends. I'm just sayin, maybe in my subconscious I have some default settings I can't change. LOL Anyway, of all the things Jessie has done the most important thing was being there. When Tony died he was an unconditional source of strength and love and support. I would not be in the place that I am without his love. With out his shoulder to cry on. I will be forever indebted to him for what he was for me during those first few months. A lot of people tell me that if I move on I'll be happy but I hate to break it to you. I am not happy trying to hate someone I love so deeply. He has such a huge piece of my heart that if I were to succeed in hating him I don't think I'd be able to love someone ever again. Maybe one day we can be friends again, and who know... maybe just maybe in a future far far away we can get our happily ever after. I believe that if it's meant to be than it'll happen. If not, then I'll eventually be ok with that too. I am very hurt by the things he did to ruin my trust and our relationship but I refuse to hold onto the grudge any longer. I'm sure I'm gonna get a lot of grief about this choice but that's ok. I am trying to learn to be a better Christian and forgiving is a big part of that. And I figure if I can forgive Jessie for the things he did to me then I can eventually move on to forgiving bigger things, things that involve Tony, Brooke and Bryson. Well.... I don't know what else to say to justify my choice, other than it's what will make me happy and free my heart. <3

Can't believe I've been in Odessa 10 years!!!

Wow! It's hard to believe but today marks the 10th anniversary of the biggest decision I've ever made in my life. 10 years ago today I hit the road to the "big city" of Odessa  and came to live with my dad and my step mom. I can honestly say that it was the best decision of my life. I was having a really hard time in El Paso. I was bullied by the rich kids of the west side. I was made fun of by the cheerleaders. I just wasn't happy. My mom and I didn't get along. And neither did Tony and I. It was just time to move on and try life some where else. The past 10 years in Odessa have been nothing short of amazing! I've had so many wonderful friend, high school was everything I could have ever asked for, and of course my 2 beautiful babies! For 9 years I never once doubted my move. I've always believed it was the choice I could have ever made. Most days, I still feel that way. But I have to admit there are some days where I wonder... If i had stayed could I have helped/saved Tony? I know I was only 15, and it makes sense that I went for the option benefited me the most. I just can't help but wonder sometimes if I could've helped. But there's no going back and even if I could.... I don't think that I would. If I hadn't moved here I would've never met Jayson.. who although drug my heart through hell and back was one of the closest friends I ever had. He taught me so much, he helped me grow into the person I am today and I will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart for him... even if I want to keep him a memory and not a part of my future. I wouldn't have such an amazing relationship with my step mom Rhonda, she is without a doubt my best friend. I don't know how I could've gotten through life without her. There are so many other people I'm so grateful I've met through out these 10 years and I wouldn't trade it for the world. David, Adrian, Anna, Alexis, Melissa, Jayson, Russell, Lesli, TJ, Tammy, April, Ellie, Keesha,  and so many many many more. All the people I've met/dealt with in the past 10 years made me who I am today. Some made me stronger and wiser. Some made me bitter and more cautious. Two of them made me a mother. I am truly grateful God has led me down this path for the past years, no matter how painful it was at times. The past 8 months has honestly been the most painful, and some how at the same time the most amazing months of this journey. 8 months and 2 weeks ago Jessie and I took the next step in our friendship into a relationship. It has been a tough ride and we don't always get along and we kinda go back and forth more than I'd like to admit, but he is the love of my life. A week after we got together, about 8 months and a week ago Tony took his own life. I know that I have a lot of friends and an amazing family to support me through this. Even with that being said, I'm just not sure how I would've made it through these past 8 months with out Jessie by my side. He has been there for me at 1:00 AM when I have a bad dream. He's held me while I cried after just talking about what a  picky eater Tony was. He knows me inside and out and he knows what kind of support to offer and when. He knows when I can't talk about it and he knows when I need to. I doubt he'll admit to this, he constantly tells me he doesn't know how to help me through this. But that's the thing, just being in the same room with him makes me feel better. Seeing his smile and listening to his heart beat makes me a little calmer when I'm on the verge or in the middle of a sobfest. If I hadn't moved to Odessa, I wouldn't have Brooke, Bryson or Jessie and I just can't imagine my life without them. Even if Jessie and I don't stay together forever, I know that we'll at least be friends. I am so blessed to have found a guy like him. We may not always get along and we might not have the type of relationship others think we should but we are who we are and I know that in the end it's in God's hands and I take comfort in knowing that.


This blog kinda took a different direction than I meant for it to, but once I get typing and getting it off my chest sometimes I just can't stop. :)

What is normal??

Normal... What is normal?? In September I was a single mom with 2 kids, by 2 different dads and had never lost a single person that was close to me to death. Is that normal? Late September I became a single mom, with a boyfriend. Was that normal? Then in October my world was shattered. Completely turned upside and completly shocked me to the depths of my soul. I lost my baby brother to suicide. I became a survivor to a suicide victim. Is that normal?? I've been blessed with an amazing support group. From the littlest one (Bryson) to the tallest (Jessie) and every one in between. I have had unwaivering amazing support. Unfortunatly my mom lives thousands of miles away and in a place where she's only been a few years. She doesn't have any life long friends there. She doesn't have any family there. However she does have my nephew Leo. She also has his mom. Sadly there are some people around her who don't quite understand the pain of losing a child. On top of that losing a child who chose to take his own life for reasons known and unknown alike. She feels like several people around her expect her to be normal again, after all it's been 8 months..almost. Right? Wrong... That seriously pisses me off that people are treating her (and sometimes me) like we should just pick up the pieces of our broken heart, use some duct tape and everything goes back to "normal". Well I have news for all of you. WE ARE GRIEVING. Not only did the world lose a beautiful soul, an amazingly handsome man, an incredibly smart brain, an extravagant imagination and so much more. My mother lost her son. I lost my brother. My children lost their uncle. And although he wasn't born yet... Leo lost his father. So for those of you who have little to no compassion for a grieving mother, sister, and my brother's friends and family. This is our new normal. Breaking down in tears while driving down the road because you see a little red car is normal. Holding back from crying just because of a song on the radio is normal. Having to fake a smile and an acceptable answer when people ask how you're doing is normal. So all I'm asking is for a little acceptance and paitence when it comes to the tears, and the grief. When it's a little harder to find joy in things that once warmed your heart. So although I haven't had the problems that my mom has had with people accepting the new normal. I am praying, and ask for you to do the same to open the eyes and hearts of the people that surround my mother. Also please pray for peace and healing over her heart.

Who'd of thunk it??

This blog is more for people who used to know me when I lived in El Paso. When I was anti-cheer leader. Anti-School spirit. Anti anything happy. I was bullied by the rich kids and looked down on by others. I'm not going to go into that too much but just to say that thank God I made it out of there without being broken. Now don't get me wrong... this wasn't my mom's fault or anyone else's so please don't feel guilty (unless you were the one singing that hurtful song).  Anyway, onto bigger and better things....

It's crazy to think that I was and still am one of the most school spirited people I know!! I love OHS and the bronchos and I can't wait to see Brooke be a cheerleader there or showgirl and to see Bubba wear that red jersey!! How ironic that I am the mother to a cheerleader... those of you who know me in El Paso.. no one would've ever thought that would happen!! I just signed her up for a summer cheer program through the Permian Basin Youth Football League and then she's signed up and paid for 1st grade mini peps through the OBGC. I was just sitting here thinking how much my life has changed! If you would've told me at 15 that at 25 year old you'll have blonde highlights, work out almost daily, go tanning, have 2 kids, one of which is a cheerleader. I know it's sounds weird but I would've done anything to avoid having my life "end up like that". But I can't imagine my life any other way!! Every day I wake up excited about another day in my life. Excited about going to work. Loving my babies. Praising and worshiping my God. Jessie and I are good friends and having him as a part of my life honestly does help more than I can imagine. I know some of you are gonna think I'm crazy but I do love him and I do still have hope that maybe eventually we'll be an official couple again. (When we're both ready) In the mean time I'll just love my life with my kids, my job, my church, my family, my friends and my.. whatever you wanna call him ha ha ha, my "friend" Jessie. Anyway... a lot of my blogs have been sad and about Tony but I figured I needed to post a happy one. Don't get me wrong I miss my brother daily and I cry often still. But I have to push forward and live my life the way I was before. I was completely 100% happy before and I know I can get there again. I believe I can be happy and still love and miss my Tony. He is my baby brother and I helped raise him for the first 11 years of his life. He was my first love, I remember thinking how lucky I was every time I held that baby boy. Every time we snuggled up in mom's bed or even when we fought. I thought... with that kind of passion that boy is gonna do something big. Unfortunatly he didn't see that potential and now his spirit lives on through Leo.


Hope everyone has an amazing Wednesday! Sorry for the super scattered post!

Who am I? part 2

A few days ago I wrote a blog titled, Who am I? Where I talked about all the different things I am to lots of different people. A few days after that....my whole identity changed again. My heart was shattered all over again. The past 4 months with Jessie have been amazing. Amazing beyond words. We'd been friends for a while before we became a couple and I guess taking that step was all it took for me. I fell head over heels in love with him. I honestly thought the maybe, just maybe I might have finally found the one I was meant to be with. We would have a few arguements here and there but we worked through them. I've never had that, in the past if my boyfriend and I fought, then we were done. During the 4 months we were together there was one thing thus bugged me. Just one, he didn't include me in his plans. Maybe it's dumb but hey it's my choice. So this weekend, once again I was going to be left out. I got upset and in my anger I cancelled our Friday plans and made other ones. It was a dumb and immature thing to do, but I did it. Now that it's over, I'm glad that I did. It showed me who he really was and what he really wanted. Most importantly it showed me what he didn't want. What he didn't want was to fight for me. So needless to say it's over. I'm not talking bad about him. I loved him, and I still do. He was an amazing boyfriend most of the time. He loved my kids and treated them right. A few years ago I wrote a list. A list of things I want in a guy. Jessie has every single one of those things. Unfortunately it didn't work out. I'm older than I was when I wrote that list and looking at it now. I know most of those things don't matter. They aren't what makes a relationship work. They aren't what makes a marriage work. So, even though it hurts. Even though there have been tears and there will be more. I know it's what best for me and my children. So I've decided I need to write a different blog telling who I am.

So here it goes.... I am still and will always be Brooke and Bryson's mother. I am Mike, Karen, and Rhonda's daughter. I am still Anthony, Keeghan and Khaiden's big sister. Still Lesli's best friend. I am also still a survivor of suicide. But I am no longer Jessie's girlfriend. I no longer believe I'm living my happily ever after, when it comes to that aspect of my life.

Here are some things I forgot to mention in my last blog. I am loved. I am sacred. I am a child of God and he died for me. I am saved and I have an eternal life waiting for me. Today I signed up to be baptized at my church. It's a requirement that members have been baptized by immersion. The past 4 months have been the hardest 4 months of my life. Begining with Tony's death and just kind of spiraling from there. I've been searching for and grasping for and begging for God to come into my life. So I've finally made the choice to start fresh. I want to be baptized and start a new and better relationship with Christ. With no exaggeration my world is collapsing around me and I can't take it. So I've made this choice with a heavy heart hoping and knowing God can carry my load. Thank you for the support to those who have been there for me these past 4 months. Even though it didn't go the way I wanted it to... Thank you to Jessie who was there for me these past few months. Thank you for showing me I can love someone the way it's meant to be. Not because it was "love at first sight". Not because I'm pregnant and it's the "right thing to do". But just because I love you. Because you loved me. This is just another part of my life that I can look back on and say it made me who I am today. Because of this experience I can say that I know I will love someone some day. The difference is, I know that someone who I love will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.


I am so excited to start on this new journey with my Saviour. I am excited to see what he can and will do in my life. What he will do to help me heal from all the changes I have experience in such a short time. My faith and my trust is in him now and have to believe he will make my life the happy place it was before October.

Who am I??

Who are you?? That's an interesting question. I'm a lot of things to a lot of people. Let's see.... First and foremost... I am mother to Brooke Michelle and Bryson Kole. I'm Mike and Karen's daughter. I'm Rhonda's step daughter. I'm Anthony's, Keeghan's and Khaiden's sister. I'm a niece to Patricia, Laura, Alfonso, Stacy, Frank, Terri, and Trey. I'm cousin to Kristin, Lane, Natalie, Jakob, Zachary, Kelly and others I'm sure. I am Lesli's best friend. I am Jessie's girlfriend. I'm friend to many. And so much more. But a few months ago I became someone else. Something else... I am now a survivor. I've never been listed by name as a survivor on an obituary. Until now. Now I am a survivor, not just to my brother's death. To my brother's suicide. It's so much harder to deal with. It's so much harder to understand. There are so many questions left unanswered. So many questions left unasked.

Being a SOS wasn't something I planned. Wasn't something I wanted. Wasn't anything I'd ever imagined being. Yes, Tony was suicidal more than once, but they say when people talk about it they won't do it because they want help. This was one of those times, Tony talked about it with friends. Unfortunately they didn't believe him. Matt did, and Matt called me, I didn't believe him. =( Even if I did, there was nothing I could do for Tony in Maryland and while in Texas.

The upside to this, as weird as that sounds.... The upside is it gives me the chance to help people. It gives me the chance to make a difference. It has made me stronger... while bringing me to my weakest. There was a point I honestly thought I'd cry every day for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, most days I still cry. But it's occasionally during the day, mostly at night. This has been a learning experience. It's been painful, unimaginable, and just plain unbearable at times. But that's the thing... I have survived. And I will continue to survive. For my children, for my mother, for my friends. I have to, there isn't another option.

Every day gets a little easier, and some days are like it's back to square one. I know that there's so much to look forward to and that's what kind of breaks my heart the most. Tony isn't going to see his niece and nephew grow up. He loved them so much and now he's not going to get to experience that first hand. I know he's watching from above but it's not the same. He's not going to get to enjoy Leo growing up. My brother has a son. A son. I'm an aunt. That's still hard so wrap my mind around but it's true. That gorgeous little mini Anthony is my nephew. He's a little piece of Tony we have here with us. It's gonna be a long and bumpy road but it's gonna be so worth it.

There's no way you can know

I'm pretty sure the worst thing someone has said to me since Tony died is "I know how you must be feeling." I'm sorry but shut the hell up and get the eff away from me! There is no chance in hell you know what or how I'm feeling. Let me give you an example. Just imagine your little brother, or little sister. Maybe think of your best friend or boyfriend. Possibly your husband or wife. Hell even a distant cousin or someone you're related to through marriage. OK now imagine that person thinking that your life would be better without them in it. That you can sleep easier at night because you won't be worrying about them. That you will be happier with them gone. I know it's hard to believe or imagine... but just stay with me....


That person that you're thinking of.... imagine that they don't wanna go away by moving. They aren't gonna break up with you. Stop talking to you. Divorce you. Run away. Block you on Facebook. Delete your number from their contact list. Imagine that person does the unimaginable and takes his or her life in order to make yours better. So tell me, how do you feel? I can promise you with 100% certainty it's not even a fraction of the pain my family has gone through with my brother's death.
　
Anthony was an amazing person. He had a complex mind, was amazingly handsome, and had a sense of humor few of us will even get to experience. That's the good in him. But because of his depression or whatever it was that caused him to be sick, he wasn't easy to live with. We fought on a daily basis and it drove our mom crazy. We had sibling rivalry that would make super nanny cringe. Tony didn't have a job until he was 20. He liked to lay around and do nothing. Sometimes he did things that were unlawful. Shoplifting, smoked pot and whatever. But that doesn't matter. He was my brother, I loved him unconditionally. He was a beautiful baby boy. He was my lifeline for as long as I can remember. I wanted only the best for him. No girl was ever going to be good enough for him in my eyes. No other kid could mess with him the way I did. Anthony was an amazing uncle. My daughter Brooke adored him. He hung the moon in her eyes. She wanted to constantly play peek a boo. She wanted to just sit with him on his bed and pet Tiger while he played on the computer. It didn't matter what they were doin, if we were in El Paso she wanted to be by her Uncle Tony.


Anthony had an eye for beauty that most people can only hope for. His photography was breathtaking. He loved to sketch and doodle and be random. He was into the weirdest music (in my opinion), and his favorite color had AWAYS ALWAYS been green. As he grew it changed from dark green to lime green. But for as long as I can remember he loved green.


I guess my point is, no Tony wasn't easy to live with. He made us mad. Had us worried. Drove us crazy. Pushed our buttons. Most important my point is.... he was a light in our lives. He was someone we loved and will love forever. He was an incredible friend to most anyone he met. He could melt hearts with his smile and probably charm the pants right off any girl he wanted. My brother was a remarkable person. Inside and out. I guess what I'm trying to say... is although he wasn't easy to live with. It's going to be damn near impossible to live without him. Every single day and all day long he's on my mind like never before. Maybe that's the problem, now that he's gone we are pouring out our emotions toward him. While I don't want that to stop, I think we need to also focus on the living. We need to love and hug and kiss and praise the ones we have with us here. We need to let the ones we love know that we love them. We need to make sure that no one we know will ever feel like our lives would be better without them. Because I promise regardless of how tough it is to "deal" with them, it's so much worse without them at all.

I only thought I knew heartbreak....

Heartbreak. We all use the term all the time. "It breaks my heart to see him cry." "He left me and it broke my heart." But I don't think I ever really truly knew what it meant to have a broken heart. At least not until the night I lost my baby brother. The pain I felt when I found out was gut wrenching. It was emotional. It was physical. It was a pain so deep down inside of me I honestly thought I would die of the literal heartbreak. My chest felt like it would explode. I thought my head was swelling. My knees went weak. My belly did flips and twists. That was just the phyisical. There are no words to describe the emotional.


Since that day, my heart has remained broken. The tiniest little things set me off. The most mundane tasks seem like they take all the energy I have. My patience is so very thin these days. Even on my happiest days I feel like there's a part of me missing. I feel like I'm not whole. I have a scary feeling that I'll never feel that way again. I learned a lot last night. While talking @ the SOS group, the professional of the group explained it can take the brain almost a year to realize someone is really gone. He said even though we know Tony is gone. Sometimes we'll hear the phone ring and think it's him. We might see a little red car going down the road and hope it's him in the dirvers seat. It really comforted me for him to say that. Because even 15 weeks later, something will happen and I'll think, wow Tony needs to hear that. Sometimes I'll even go so far as to log onto Facebook and then realize....oh yeah. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel permanent. I know that it is, but I guess part of me hopes he's gonna call my mom and be like... SIKE!


Today I found out the truth. I am an Aunt. I have a beautiful little nephew named Leo. He looks just like Tony and we didn't really need the DNA test. But I'd rather be safe and know for sure. It's so bitter sweet. If Tony had known about Leo I truly believe he would have fought harder for his life. There's few things he wanted more in life than to be a father. He didn't have a relationship with his dad and so he couldn't wait to form that bond with a baby. When we thought she lost the baby he was devastated. We found out less than a month after his death, the baby was due on Christmas day.

Anyway... I digress, this is not what I wanted to write about. I guess I don't know what I wanted to write about because this blog was ridiculous and scattered. The point is, the baby is alive and well and beautiful and Tony's. Hopefully one day I'll get to meet Leo and hold him and hug him just like I did with Tony when he was a baby. I'm sure it'll be emotional. It might almost be too much to bear. However, it has to be done one day. It is what it is and nothing will change that. 

It was just a pen. A black retractable Sharpie pen.

It's only a pen. A black retractable Sharpie pen. I found it on Labor day weekend when I went to visit El Paso in September. There was a pencil bag in the room I was staying and it had a few markers and that sharpie. The pencil bag was obviously Tony's, judging by the art work all over it. So I took the pen, he was in Maryland he wasn't gonna miss it.
This morning at church I was filling in the outline. Then I dropped the pen. When I bent down to pick it up I didn't see it. I looked around and couldn't find it. I got short of breath. I felt warmer and warmer. My eyes even started to tear up. Over a pen. A black retractable Sharpie pen. I know it seems silly to you, trust me it seems silly to me too. However I have so few things that were Tony's I felt like I was losing him all over again when I thought I lost that pen.
There are days, and weeks that go by and I seem like I'm OK. I even convince myself I'm doing better, and then something like that happens and the bottom falls out again. I can't help it and I know I shouldn't try to fight it. It's days like that that make it hard to function. Hard to see the positive in things. Hard to want to do anything. I'm not sure how to pull myself out of those moods on days like that. Usually something Brooke or Bryson does helps a bit.
There's these other things that happen that have been bugging me and seem to be happening more frequently. Sometimes when things get slow and I'm just sitting there thinking my mind will drift back to the day I found out. Or the day of his funeral. It's almost like I'm watching myself from someone else's point of view. I feel all the same pain I felt that day. I cry almost as hard as I cried that day. It's almost like in Harry Potter when he goes in the pensive. I see everything so clearly. I can even smell the sloppy Joe's. Or the flowers in the sanctuary. I feel the incredible overwhelming feeling I felt when I first walked into the sanctuary after all those years with Erika and my mom. I remember feeling the air being sucked from my lung and having to sit down and just cry. Those moments I think are the hardest. Those moments are the moments when I feel like I'm back at square one.
Then there's Leo. Leo Nicholas James. He looks so much like Tony. He's so beautiful. Part of me wants him to be Tony's because it would mean we still have a piece of my brother here on earth. However part of me wants him not to be Tony's son. If he's Tony's son there's more heartache on the horizon. There's more reminders of Tony. There's the biggest What if of all. What if he had known he was going to be a father??? Would he have found the strength to fight for his life?
Hopefully writing this will help me lower the number of times these flash backs happen in a week. Because they see to have been coming more and more. Thank you for reading, and I'm so sorry if it depresses you. That wasn't my intention at all. I guess my intention is to show people the pain that suicide causes a family. So that they can spread Tony's story and help other realize there are other options.