Wish he had kept his word

I know some people are going to think I'm crazy for sharing this. Or for even feeling this way. But it's my blog, and it's where I clear my mind. So here it goes. As most of you know now Jessie and I have been broken up (officially) since June 14. I did pretty good at walking away, for a little bit and then we talked and tried to do the friend thing. When that didn't work (because we're too much in love I guess) we half way decided to maybe work on things. That didn't last long because he hadn't changed a bit. So I walked away again. Well after the same thing of back and forth from June to the end of August, beginning of September we were finally doing good as friends. And then I made one smart ass comment (shocking I know... come on now) and he gets all huffy and decides we can't be friends anymore. Ok whatever, I guess I'm ok with that. It's what's needs to happen for me to move on anyway. I guess. But even though I've forgiven the cheating. Even though I've "gotten over it" The thing that still gets to me is he was supposed to be there for me during the past few weeks. When Anthony died I tried to push Jessie away I told him I didn't want to have that connection between him and my brother's death. But he pushed back and ended up winning and staying. Around our 6 month anniversary, and a week before Tony's 6 month angelversary Jessie told me he'd always be there for me when it came to Tony. No matter what happened between us he said he'd be there. Which was very comforting because he had been the main one who was there for me at any time of day or night. He was the one who held me while I woke up and cried from a nightmare. He was the one who paid for me to go get a pedicure on Tony's birthday to help cheer me up. He was my rock and anchor through the first 11 months. Yet, I had to go to El Paso without him, which us being broke up I wouldn't have expected him to go. But that was the original plan. Then on Tony's actual angelversary I don't know why, but I thought I'd hear from him. Even a simple text like, hope you're ok. Something to show that he did half way care about me and what I went through and allowed him to be a part of. I let him be apart of my life during the time when I was most vulnerable and I guess he took advantage of that. He knew that I needed him and he needed to be the hero. I guess as soon as I was strong enough to stand on my own 2 feet again he needed to find a new damsel in distress. It just annoys me and hurts me that he hasn't checked to see how I've been doing in the wake of Anthony's angelversary. I honestly thought he would have. Maybe I just expect too much from people, I just don't know. What I do know though... Is with or with out him. I'm going to be ok. I'm going to continue to live my life and help others in Anthony's memory. I'm probably going to get an earful from people about this and before you comment let me be clear. I don't miss Jessie exactly... I miss having someone there for me when I needed someone most. I miss having someone to wipe the tears away and tell me I'm going to be ok. I don't miss Jessie my boyfriend. I miss Jessie my friend. We had been talking since April 2011, before my bubba was even born. So that's a long time to just stop, especially after going through what I went through with him by my side. Anyway... I know my blogs are usually not so pity party, but I was just thinking a lot this week and needed to get it off my chest. Since I don't really have anyone I can just talk to about anything when ever... I decided to do it here. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I don't want to relapse AGAIN and try talking to him. =/ But if anyone wants to take his movies back to his apartment for me, that'd be great LOL