Who am I? part 2

A few days ago I wrote a blog titled, Who am I? Where I talked about all the different things I am to lots of different people. A few days after that....my whole identity changed again. My heart was shattered all over again. The past 4 months with Jessie have been amazing. Amazing beyond words. We'd been friends for a while before we became a couple and I guess taking that step was all it took for me. I fell head over heels in love with him. I honestly thought the maybe, just maybe I might have finally found the one I was meant to be with. We would have a few arguements here and there but we worked through them. I've never had that, in the past if my boyfriend and I fought, then we were done. During the 4 months we were together there was one thing thus bugged me. Just one, he didn't include me in his plans. Maybe it's dumb but hey it's my choice. So this weekend, once again I was going to be left out. I got upset and in my anger I cancelled our Friday plans and made other ones. It was a dumb and immature thing to do, but I did it. Now that it's over, I'm glad that I did. It showed me who he really was and what he really wanted. Most importantly it showed me what he didn't want. What he didn't want was to fight for me. So needless to say it's over. I'm not talking bad about him. I loved him, and I still do. He was an amazing boyfriend most of the time. He loved my kids and treated them right. A few years ago I wrote a list. A list of things I want in a guy. Jessie has every single one of those things. Unfortunately it didn't work out. I'm older than I was when I wrote that list and looking at it now. I know most of those things don't matter. They aren't what makes a relationship work. They aren't what makes a marriage work. So, even though it hurts. Even though there have been tears and there will be more. I know it's what best for me and my children. So I've decided I need to write a different blog telling who I am.

So here it goes.... I am still and will always be Brooke and Bryson's mother. I am Mike, Karen, and Rhonda's daughter. I am still Anthony, Keeghan and Khaiden's big sister. Still Lesli's best friend. I am also still a survivor of suicide. But I am no longer Jessie's girlfriend. I no longer believe I'm living my happily ever after, when it comes to that aspect of my life.

Here are some things I forgot to mention in my last blog. I am loved. I am sacred. I am a child of God and he died for me. I am saved and I have an eternal life waiting for me. Today I signed up to be baptized at my church. It's a requirement that members have been baptized by immersion. The past 4 months have been the hardest 4 months of my life. Begining with Tony's death and just kind of spiraling from there. I've been searching for and grasping for and begging for God to come into my life. So I've finally made the choice to start fresh. I want to be baptized and start a new and better relationship with Christ. With no exaggeration my world is collapsing around me and I can't take it. So I've made this choice with a heavy heart hoping and knowing God can carry my load. Thank you for the support to those who have been there for me these past 4 months. Even though it didn't go the way I wanted it to... Thank you to Jessie who was there for me these past few months. Thank you for showing me I can love someone the way it's meant to be. Not because it was "love at first sight". Not because I'm pregnant and it's the "right thing to do". But just because I love you. Because you loved me. This is just another part of my life that I can look back on and say it made me who I am today. Because of this experience I can say that I know I will love someone some day. The difference is, I know that someone who I love will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.


I am so excited to start on this new journey with my Saviour. I am excited to see what he can and will do in my life. What he will do to help me heal from all the changes I have experience in such a short time. My faith and my trust is in him now and have to believe he will make my life the happy place it was before October.