I only thought I knew heartbreak....

Heartbreak. We all use the term all the time. "It breaks my heart to see him cry." "He left me and it broke my heart." But I don't think I ever really truly knew what it meant to have a broken heart. At least not until the night I lost my baby brother. The pain I felt when I found out was gut wrenching. It was emotional. It was physical. It was a pain so deep down inside of me I honestly thought I would die of the literal heartbreak. My chest felt like it would explode. I thought my head was swelling. My knees went weak. My belly did flips and twists. That was just the phyisical. There are no words to describe the emotional.


Since that day, my heart has remained broken. The tiniest little things set me off. The most mundane tasks seem like they take all the energy I have. My patience is so very thin these days. Even on my happiest days I feel like there's a part of me missing. I feel like I'm not whole. I have a scary feeling that I'll never feel that way again. I learned a lot last night. While talking @ the SOS group, the professional of the group explained it can take the brain almost a year to realize someone is really gone. He said even though we know Tony is gone. Sometimes we'll hear the phone ring and think it's him. We might see a little red car going down the road and hope it's him in the dirvers seat. It really comforted me for him to say that. Because even 15 weeks later, something will happen and I'll think, wow Tony needs to hear that. Sometimes I'll even go so far as to log onto Facebook and then realize....oh yeah. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel permanent. I know that it is, but I guess part of me hopes he's gonna call my mom and be like... SIKE!


Today I found out the truth. I am an Aunt. I have a beautiful little nephew named Leo. He looks just like Tony and we didn't really need the DNA test. But I'd rather be safe and know for sure. It's so bitter sweet. If Tony had known about Leo I truly believe he would have fought harder for his life. There's few things he wanted more in life than to be a father. He didn't have a relationship with his dad and so he couldn't wait to form that bond with a baby. When we thought she lost the baby he was devastated. We found out less than a month after his death, the baby was due on Christmas day.

Anyway... I digress, this is not what I wanted to write about. I guess I don't know what I wanted to write about because this blog was ridiculous and scattered. The point is, the baby is alive and well and beautiful and Tony's. Hopefully one day I'll get to meet Leo and hold him and hug him just like I did with Tony when he was a baby. I'm sure it'll be emotional. It might almost be too much to bear. However, it has to be done one day. It is what it is and nothing will change that.