Who am I? part 2

A few days ago I wrote a blog titled, Who am I? Where I talked about all the different things I am to lots of different people. A few days after that....my whole identity changed again. My heart was shattered all over again. The past 4 months with Jessie have been amazing. Amazing beyond words. We'd been friends for a while before we became a couple and I guess taking that step was all it took for me. I fell head over heels in love with him. I honestly thought the maybe, just maybe I might have finally found the one I was meant to be with. We would have a few arguements here and there but we worked through them. I've never had that, in the past if my boyfriend and I fought, then we were done. During the 4 months we were together there was one thing thus bugged me. Just one, he didn't include me in his plans. Maybe it's dumb but hey it's my choice. So this weekend, once again I was going to be left out. I got upset and in my anger I cancelled our Friday plans and made other ones. It was a dumb and immature thing to do, but I did it. Now that it's over, I'm glad that I did. It showed me who he really was and what he really wanted. Most importantly it showed me what he didn't want. What he didn't want was to fight for me. So needless to say it's over. I'm not talking bad about him. I loved him, and I still do. He was an amazing boyfriend most of the time. He loved my kids and treated them right. A few years ago I wrote a list. A list of things I want in a guy. Jessie has every single one of those things. Unfortunately it didn't work out. I'm older than I was when I wrote that list and looking at it now. I know most of those things don't matter. They aren't what makes a relationship work. They aren't what makes a marriage work. So, even though it hurts. Even though there have been tears and there will be more. I know it's what best for me and my children. So I've decided I need to write a different blog telling who I am.

So here it goes.... I am still and will always be Brooke and Bryson's mother. I am Mike, Karen, and Rhonda's daughter. I am still Anthony, Keeghan and Khaiden's big sister. Still Lesli's best friend. I am also still a survivor of suicide. But I am no longer Jessie's girlfriend. I no longer believe I'm living my happily ever after, when it comes to that aspect of my life.

Here are some things I forgot to mention in my last blog. I am loved. I am sacred. I am a child of God and he died for me. I am saved and I have an eternal life waiting for me. Today I signed up to be baptized at my church. It's a requirement that members have been baptized by immersion. The past 4 months have been the hardest 4 months of my life. Begining with Tony's death and just kind of spiraling from there. I've been searching for and grasping for and begging for God to come into my life. So I've finally made the choice to start fresh. I want to be baptized and start a new and better relationship with Christ. With no exaggeration my world is collapsing around me and I can't take it. So I've made this choice with a heavy heart hoping and knowing God can carry my load. Thank you for the support to those who have been there for me these past 4 months. Even though it didn't go the way I wanted it to... Thank you to Jessie who was there for me these past few months. Thank you for showing me I can love someone the way it's meant to be. Not because it was "love at first sight". Not because I'm pregnant and it's the "right thing to do". But just because I love you. Because you loved me. This is just another part of my life that I can look back on and say it made me who I am today. Because of this experience I can say that I know I will love someone some day. The difference is, I know that someone who I love will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.


I am so excited to start on this new journey with my Saviour. I am excited to see what he can and will do in my life. What he will do to help me heal from all the changes I have experience in such a short time. My faith and my trust is in him now and have to believe he will make my life the happy place it was before October.

Who am I??

Who are you?? That's an interesting question. I'm a lot of things to a lot of people. Let's see.... First and foremost... I am mother to Brooke Michelle and Bryson Kole. I'm Mike and Karen's daughter. I'm Rhonda's step daughter. I'm Anthony's, Keeghan's and Khaiden's sister. I'm a niece to Patricia, Laura, Alfonso, Stacy, Frank, Terri, and Trey. I'm cousin to Kristin, Lane, Natalie, Jakob, Zachary, Kelly and others I'm sure. I am Lesli's best friend. I am Jessie's girlfriend. I'm friend to many. And so much more. But a few months ago I became someone else. Something else... I am now a survivor. I've never been listed by name as a survivor on an obituary. Until now. Now I am a survivor, not just to my brother's death. To my brother's suicide. It's so much harder to deal with. It's so much harder to understand. There are so many questions left unanswered. So many questions left unasked.

Being a SOS wasn't something I planned. Wasn't something I wanted. Wasn't anything I'd ever imagined being. Yes, Tony was suicidal more than once, but they say when people talk about it they won't do it because they want help. This was one of those times, Tony talked about it with friends. Unfortunately they didn't believe him. Matt did, and Matt called me, I didn't believe him. =( Even if I did, there was nothing I could do for Tony in Maryland and while in Texas.

The upside to this, as weird as that sounds.... The upside is it gives me the chance to help people. It gives me the chance to make a difference. It has made me stronger... while bringing me to my weakest. There was a point I honestly thought I'd cry every day for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, most days I still cry. But it's occasionally during the day, mostly at night. This has been a learning experience. It's been painful, unimaginable, and just plain unbearable at times. But that's the thing... I have survived. And I will continue to survive. For my children, for my mother, for my friends. I have to, there isn't another option.

Every day gets a little easier, and some days are like it's back to square one. I know that there's so much to look forward to and that's what kind of breaks my heart the most. Tony isn't going to see his niece and nephew grow up. He loved them so much and now he's not going to get to experience that first hand. I know he's watching from above but it's not the same. He's not going to get to enjoy Leo growing up. My brother has a son. A son. I'm an aunt. That's still hard so wrap my mind around but it's true. That gorgeous little mini Anthony is my nephew. He's a little piece of Tony we have here with us. It's gonna be a long and bumpy road but it's gonna be so worth it.

There's no way you can know

I'm pretty sure the worst thing someone has said to me since Tony died is "I know how you must be feeling." I'm sorry but shut the hell up and get the eff away from me! There is no chance in hell you know what or how I'm feeling. Let me give you an example. Just imagine your little brother, or little sister. Maybe think of your best friend or boyfriend. Possibly your husband or wife. Hell even a distant cousin or someone you're related to through marriage. OK now imagine that person thinking that your life would be better without them in it. That you can sleep easier at night because you won't be worrying about them. That you will be happier with them gone. I know it's hard to believe or imagine... but just stay with me....


That person that you're thinking of.... imagine that they don't wanna go away by moving. They aren't gonna break up with you. Stop talking to you. Divorce you. Run away. Block you on Facebook. Delete your number from their contact list. Imagine that person does the unimaginable and takes his or her life in order to make yours better. So tell me, how do you feel? I can promise you with 100% certainty it's not even a fraction of the pain my family has gone through with my brother's death.
　
Anthony was an amazing person. He had a complex mind, was amazingly handsome, and had a sense of humor few of us will even get to experience. That's the good in him. But because of his depression or whatever it was that caused him to be sick, he wasn't easy to live with. We fought on a daily basis and it drove our mom crazy. We had sibling rivalry that would make super nanny cringe. Tony didn't have a job until he was 20. He liked to lay around and do nothing. Sometimes he did things that were unlawful. Shoplifting, smoked pot and whatever. But that doesn't matter. He was my brother, I loved him unconditionally. He was a beautiful baby boy. He was my lifeline for as long as I can remember. I wanted only the best for him. No girl was ever going to be good enough for him in my eyes. No other kid could mess with him the way I did. Anthony was an amazing uncle. My daughter Brooke adored him. He hung the moon in her eyes. She wanted to constantly play peek a boo. She wanted to just sit with him on his bed and pet Tiger while he played on the computer. It didn't matter what they were doin, if we were in El Paso she wanted to be by her Uncle Tony.


Anthony had an eye for beauty that most people can only hope for. His photography was breathtaking. He loved to sketch and doodle and be random. He was into the weirdest music (in my opinion), and his favorite color had AWAYS ALWAYS been green. As he grew it changed from dark green to lime green. But for as long as I can remember he loved green.


I guess my point is, no Tony wasn't easy to live with. He made us mad. Had us worried. Drove us crazy. Pushed our buttons. Most important my point is.... he was a light in our lives. He was someone we loved and will love forever. He was an incredible friend to most anyone he met. He could melt hearts with his smile and probably charm the pants right off any girl he wanted. My brother was a remarkable person. Inside and out. I guess what I'm trying to say... is although he wasn't easy to live with. It's going to be damn near impossible to live without him. Every single day and all day long he's on my mind like never before. Maybe that's the problem, now that he's gone we are pouring out our emotions toward him. While I don't want that to stop, I think we need to also focus on the living. We need to love and hug and kiss and praise the ones we have with us here. We need to let the ones we love know that we love them. We need to make sure that no one we know will ever feel like our lives would be better without them. Because I promise regardless of how tough it is to "deal" with them, it's so much worse without them at all.

I only thought I knew heartbreak....

Heartbreak. We all use the term all the time. "It breaks my heart to see him cry." "He left me and it broke my heart." But I don't think I ever really truly knew what it meant to have a broken heart. At least not until the night I lost my baby brother. The pain I felt when I found out was gut wrenching. It was emotional. It was physical. It was a pain so deep down inside of me I honestly thought I would die of the literal heartbreak. My chest felt like it would explode. I thought my head was swelling. My knees went weak. My belly did flips and twists. That was just the phyisical. There are no words to describe the emotional.


Since that day, my heart has remained broken. The tiniest little things set me off. The most mundane tasks seem like they take all the energy I have. My patience is so very thin these days. Even on my happiest days I feel like there's a part of me missing. I feel like I'm not whole. I have a scary feeling that I'll never feel that way again. I learned a lot last night. While talking @ the SOS group, the professional of the group explained it can take the brain almost a year to realize someone is really gone. He said even though we know Tony is gone. Sometimes we'll hear the phone ring and think it's him. We might see a little red car going down the road and hope it's him in the dirvers seat. It really comforted me for him to say that. Because even 15 weeks later, something will happen and I'll think, wow Tony needs to hear that. Sometimes I'll even go so far as to log onto Facebook and then realize....oh yeah. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel permanent. I know that it is, but I guess part of me hopes he's gonna call my mom and be like... SIKE!


Today I found out the truth. I am an Aunt. I have a beautiful little nephew named Leo. He looks just like Tony and we didn't really need the DNA test. But I'd rather be safe and know for sure. It's so bitter sweet. If Tony had known about Leo I truly believe he would have fought harder for his life. There's few things he wanted more in life than to be a father. He didn't have a relationship with his dad and so he couldn't wait to form that bond with a baby. When we thought she lost the baby he was devastated. We found out less than a month after his death, the baby was due on Christmas day.

Anyway... I digress, this is not what I wanted to write about. I guess I don't know what I wanted to write about because this blog was ridiculous and scattered. The point is, the baby is alive and well and beautiful and Tony's. Hopefully one day I'll get to meet Leo and hold him and hug him just like I did with Tony when he was a baby. I'm sure it'll be emotional. It might almost be too much to bear. However, it has to be done one day. It is what it is and nothing will change that. 

It was just a pen. A black retractable Sharpie pen.

It's only a pen. A black retractable Sharpie pen. I found it on Labor day weekend when I went to visit El Paso in September. There was a pencil bag in the room I was staying and it had a few markers and that sharpie. The pencil bag was obviously Tony's, judging by the art work all over it. So I took the pen, he was in Maryland he wasn't gonna miss it.
This morning at church I was filling in the outline. Then I dropped the pen. When I bent down to pick it up I didn't see it. I looked around and couldn't find it. I got short of breath. I felt warmer and warmer. My eyes even started to tear up. Over a pen. A black retractable Sharpie pen. I know it seems silly to you, trust me it seems silly to me too. However I have so few things that were Tony's I felt like I was losing him all over again when I thought I lost that pen.
There are days, and weeks that go by and I seem like I'm OK. I even convince myself I'm doing better, and then something like that happens and the bottom falls out again. I can't help it and I know I shouldn't try to fight it. It's days like that that make it hard to function. Hard to see the positive in things. Hard to want to do anything. I'm not sure how to pull myself out of those moods on days like that. Usually something Brooke or Bryson does helps a bit.
There's these other things that happen that have been bugging me and seem to be happening more frequently. Sometimes when things get slow and I'm just sitting there thinking my mind will drift back to the day I found out. Or the day of his funeral. It's almost like I'm watching myself from someone else's point of view. I feel all the same pain I felt that day. I cry almost as hard as I cried that day. It's almost like in Harry Potter when he goes in the pensive. I see everything so clearly. I can even smell the sloppy Joe's. Or the flowers in the sanctuary. I feel the incredible overwhelming feeling I felt when I first walked into the sanctuary after all those years with Erika and my mom. I remember feeling the air being sucked from my lung and having to sit down and just cry. Those moments I think are the hardest. Those moments are the moments when I feel like I'm back at square one.
Then there's Leo. Leo Nicholas James. He looks so much like Tony. He's so beautiful. Part of me wants him to be Tony's because it would mean we still have a piece of my brother here on earth. However part of me wants him not to be Tony's son. If he's Tony's son there's more heartache on the horizon. There's more reminders of Tony. There's the biggest What if of all. What if he had known he was going to be a father??? Would he have found the strength to fight for his life?
Hopefully writing this will help me lower the number of times these flash backs happen in a week. Because they see to have been coming more and more. Thank you for reading, and I'm so sorry if it depresses you. That wasn't my intention at all. I guess my intention is to show people the pain that suicide causes a family. So that they can spread Tony's story and help other realize there are other options.