Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. Every 41 seconds someone else is left wondering why. I really like that statement. It's a picture banner on the AFSP website. At the same time, I really disagree with that statement. Yes, I do believe that every 40 seconds someone somewhere dies by suicide. However.... every 41 seconds after there is way more than one peson left wondering why. For Tony it began with my mom. Spread to me, my aunts, uncle, my stepmom, my neighbor who rescued my kids from my hysteria. It spread to all of Tony's friends in Maryland, and in Texas. It spread to their familes... and their friends. The question of why has spread through hundreds if not thousands of people. All spreading just from Tony's death. Not everyone is affected by the Why's... The What if's... The if Only's, as deeply as my family and I have. But it's a ripple effect. Each ripple reaches a few more people...but with a little bit less of the shock value.

     I recently attended the International Suicide Survivor Day. I learned a lot and I met some people who are going through the same thing. They are just in different stages than I am. Possibly a little further away from the time when they lost their loved one. Yet all with the same hole in their heart. The conference was in Midland and once a month they have a suicide support group. However they do not have childcare This brings me to my reason for writing this blog.

     I want to start a support group in Odessa. However, I want it to be a weekly thing on Thursday. I'm going to talk to the people at my church, Crossroads Fellowship, and see if I would be able to use a room there on campus. As well as the childcare. I recently completed a grief share class. It was a 6 week series on the journey through grief.Honestly It didn't help me at all. So I think that if I was able to offer a class specfic to suicide survivors. A class in Odessa, and a class with Childcare, that maybe it could help me... while helping others. So I'm asking for you to share this blog. Share it with your whole friend list. Ask them to share it, and to ask their friends to share it. I want to know if there is a need for a class in Odessa. If there is not a need for it, then I won't waste my time with creating an Odessa class. I will continue to go to the one in Midland and if there ever comes a time when we need one in Odessa... then I will try again to make it happen.
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      Having gone through this pain, I know I don't want anyone to feel like they are the only one going through it. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. That's 90 people an hour. 2,160 people each and every day. Choose to end their own lives. Leave their friends and family asking why. Why now. Why didn't he see. Why didn't he reach out. I've kinda got an outline of how I want the first class to go, and the things I want to say. So I won't say much more here.

     I just ask one more time... In memory of my baby brother, Anthony Nicholas Beaman. Beloved son, brother, grandson, uncle, nephew, and friend. Born October 25th, 1990.... born and raised in El Paso, Texas. Graced the state of Maryland with his smile and wit for less than a year. Then died by suicide on October 1st, 2011. 20 years young, and only 24 days before his 21st birthday. We love you beatiful boy. We always did and we always will. <3

In everything give Thanks....

Given everything going on in my life, sometimes it's easy to feel like there is nothing to be thankful for. However, that's not true. Not at all. There is so much in my life to be thankful for every single day. From the little bitty things to the big obvious things. I've tried to post something every day this month. Its been a rough day today. I didn't feel good, and then on my way there was a song on from Tony's service.... and I almost had to pull over from the tears. So I'm going to go back through the month and list all 23 things I've been thankful for this month. You don't have to read it lol. This post is more like a pick me upper.... because I'm feeling really down tonight. :(
First week I was thankful for the little silly things kids say that make you smile, thankful my wreck wasn't worse than it was, for Jessie my amazing boyfriend, my kids, my job, and my mom. Some big things, and some little things. But all amazing things that God has blessed me with. And I will continue to thank and give him praise daily.
Second week I mentioned my thankfulness for my brothers, the people who have supported me through Tony's death. As well as my church, my aunts and uncles, and green bean casserole!!! Finally, that second week I was thankful for Dad. Who has turned into some kinda amazing over the past few years. :)
Third week was rough to be grateful. I had a suicide survivor conference, a counseling session and my birthday. On the 15th, the first day of that 3rd week...... On my birthday I was thankful for my best friend Lesli. We have the same birthday and she's one of the best things to ever come into my life! The next few days I was thankful for cousin and my amazing step mom/best friend. That weekend I was thankful for a guy I met at the conference who wanted to know my story... Tony's story. And for my aunts and uncles who love to love me and my kids!! Monday was kinda silly, I was thankful for Dr.Pepper and baby wipes!!! Couldn't live with out them. My big thankfulness this week was for my childrens' fathers. David and Adrian might not be the dads I want them to be but they are the reason I have my children. So i have to be thankful for that small fact! I was also thankful for the night Bryson slept through the night!!! Finally yesterdays thankful post was for kid free breakfasts with Lesli. You have no idea how awesome those are. They remove so much stress and help me get through the day. Today I am thankful for some kids that have come into my life who will always have a place in my heart. Some are kids from the daycare, some are kids of my friends. But all of them are blessings in my life!!
Well, that actually helped a little! These are just a tiny tiny part of the things in my life that I should be thankful for. I am so blessed and I can't help but stop and thank God each and every time I realize something that he has given me. I hope that this Thanksgiving you hug your loved ones. Kiss your babies. Spend time with those who are near and dear to your heart. Please make sure they know how you feel about them. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. And although, Tony chose his time and his death was by suicide. We still didn't give him the love and time he so desperately sought. He looked for comfort in the wrong things, and in the end that's what killed him. I miss my brother every day. And I miss him a little more each day. However I know that each day that passes brings me one day closer to spending eternity with my, our Savior. Spending eternity with my grandpa, great grandma, great grandpa and especially my brother.

Lost and Confused...

          I'm so lost. I don't know what to do, it seems like when the days are good, they're just ok. But when they're bad... it's damn near rock bottom. It's been almost a year since I've seen my brother, the day after Christmas, we drove back from El Paso and him and mom continued on to Maryland. I know I hugged him that day.... I know Brooke hugged him that day. Why didn't we hug him more? Why didn't I take that trip to visit in July. There are so many whys left unanswered... and they can never be changed. They can never be answered. Even after reading his note, where he gave his reason why. It opened more questions about why did he feel that way. Why was he sad. Why did he honestly believe our lives would be easier and happier with out him. I've read a few suicide survivor tips and they all say that its ok to wear out those "Whys?" until I feel like I don't need to know why anymore. But I can't imagine ever not wanting to know why. I loved him, 110% in love with him from the day he was born until the day that I die. He was my baby brother, and I, as his big sister had the responsibility of protecting him.
         I know that no matter when he did this it would've hurt. But I can't help but wonder if it hurts more because we lost him on October 1st. Only twenty four days later was his 21st birthday. A day that should've been a huge celebration was instead a incredibly sad day. Only 6 days later was Halloween, and most if not all of my really good Halloween memories are going up and down the streets of El Paso with him loading up on tons of candy. Fifteen days after that is my birthday. My 25th birthday, growing up I always told Tony that I wouldn't be the sister to buy him beer ect. before he was legal. However I did tell him that on my birthday, after he was 21 we could party hardy. That was going to be this birthday...and now that's not possible. Once I get past my birthday in only 9 days it's Thanksgiving. A month later, Christmas. It's just all the "firsts" that you have to struggle through after losing someone are all within 3 months of his death. I just feel so hopeless and lost. I know I'm not the only one in my family feeling this. I'm not alone in my sorrow and depression. But my mom, the other person who is hurting as much as I am...well no much worse than I am.... lives 1,000 miles away.
         I just wish I knew how to sort through all these feelings. I don't want to feel so lost and confused. I'm distracted 90% of the time. I'm more forgetful than normal, which for those of you who know me... I'm already pretty damn forgetful. I'll be in the middle of a sentence and my thought will just leave me. I'll be driving down the road and the tears will just start from no where. One day it'll be ok. I know that it will be. It has to be... no one can live in this amount of pain for the rest of their lives. :'(