Happy Birthday Anthony Nicholas

21 years ago today I was given the 2nd most important title I would ever have. Big sister. 2nd only to Mommy. Being a big sister has been an amazing journey filled will love, happiness, pride and joy all the things that come with being a mommy, however with much less stress. However this month, being a big sister as also involved the worst and deepest pain I have ever felt in my life. My first baby brother is gone. He took his own life. He did it with drugs. And he did it with another long young soul. Every single one of these statements make it hurt just a little bit more. He would have been 21 today, he should have been 21 today. This was supposed to be a day where he made memories he'd never forget, yet not quite remember. After today, the next time I saw him I was going to take him out and we were gonna have a blast. This wasn't supposed to be such a painful day. I know Tony didn't spend it in pain, and that eases my heavy heart a little bit. But I cried so much today, I hugged so many people. I fake smile at others. I really smiled at a few. Thankfully because of my fantastic boyfriend, amazing job, wonderful family and fabulous support system I was able to make it through this day. I know I'm not the only one who had difficulty smiling today. But know that Tony was watching over all of us and keeping his hand over our broken hearts so that we wouldn't lose the pieces.
To celebrate Tony's birthday I went to the store and bought 3 balloons. I bought a foil one that said happy birthday. Then a lime green and a black one. The reason I bought 3 is so that there would be one for each of us, Brooke Bryson and Mommy. Both Brooke and I wrote a message on the green balloon, and then at 9:15 we let them go into the sky. I let her know that there are holes in the floor of heaven and so Tony would be waiting by a hole to catch the balloons..... I hope he got them. I think I've decided we will do that every year. It's so weird, I catch myself planning things I never thought of before. Things like how to do Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, even my wedding (that may never happen) all with remembering Tony. I know each day is going to be easier. And each day has gotten easier. But the pain will never go away. The hole will never heal. Hearing my daughter pray to Tony in heaven breaks my heart. Having her tell me that Tony is in our hearts with God helps the healing.
Thank you again to everyone who has made this day/month bearable. Without you I couldn't have made it through. Just to name a few thank you to Mom, Rhonda, Daddy, Melissa, Lesli, Jessie, Tammy, Ellie, Ami, Tiffany, Vanessa, Larry (leader of my grief class), Keesha, Brooke and Bryson, Keeghan, Khaiden, Zia, Michaela, Cheyenne, Matt N, Auntie Patty, Angie Donham, Nikki Patton, Uncle Boy, Granny...and so many many more. Thank you so much for being there for. Even if it was just a hug, Text, phone call, or prayer. For some it was a Dr.Pepper a snickers bar. Others it was a unconditional shoulder to cry on. Some it was a daily text saying "i love you". No matter what it was... Thank you. I love you for your support and I'll never be able to show my gratitude. <3
　
I feel like I've been focusing so much on Tony I haven't given my other brothers credit. Keeghan is kickin ass and takin names in the Ector Jr High band, he's in percussion and he had his first concert tonight. It was so awesome and I can't wait to see him progress in his journey. Khaiden is as crazy as ever, in first grade and amazes me more every time I see him. I can't be there for them the way I'd like to be since I have my own family now but I want them to know, and I tell them every chance I get... that I love them. I am proud of them. And they absolutely fabulous!!

A sign that he loves me

Yesterday, Thursday..... was a very very rough day for me. One of the hardest days I've had since Tony's been gone. I wasn't sure how my weekend would be since it was so rough yesterday. But then this morning I got a sign from Tony that he loves me.
Let me start a few days ago. On Wednesday, I'm not going to go into detail but my mom went back to Maryland. The first day back she found Tony's letter that he left for us. I'm not going to say anything other than he wrote I love you. My mom took a picture of that part for me because I asked her to, and sent it to me on my phone. Well yesterday, Thursday I set my wallpaper on my phone to show that picture where it said "i love you". The picture is kinda white and clashed with my icons. It was hard to see, so I changed it back to his picture. I went the rest of the day at work, through the grief class, and home. I went all night, woke up to my alarm and called Jessie to make sure he was awake for the day. And each and every time Tony's picture was there smiling at me with a sign saying, Don't worry, be happy.
About an hour later I picked up my phone to text someone, I paused and looked at Tony's picture...same way I do everytime I pick up my phone. When I tap the "tap here to compose" screen it usually pulls up my keypad. Well instead it screwed up and doubles the "tap here to compose" screen. I tried a few more times and decided to restart my phone. I figured that would correct the issue. Well when my phone came back on I looked at the screen to try to text again. But I had to stop and almost sit down because what I saw blew my mind. Instead of my brother's beautiful face with that goofy grin and silly sign. I saw in his writing the picture that said " I love you".
I've had this phone since July. I can't count how many times I've changed my wall paper on my phone. Never in the history of 100 changes has it gone back to an old picture. I believe with the deepest faith I've ever had that this was a sign from my brother. He wanted me to know that he loved me. He wanted me to see a reminder that he loved me every time I look at my phone. Which if you know me...that's a whole lot of times a day.
Now here's the awesome amazing wonderful news. Today was a very very good day. I did not cry. I smiled most the day. Smiling wasn't a struggle. I told people I was doing good and it wasn't a lie or sugar coating it. I had a very good day at work. After work I went to dinner with my parents, my kids and my boyfriend. Jessie got to meet my dad and Rhonda tonight. I think it went very well. Then we went to walmart to look for Khaiden's costume. Also for a few missing things from mine and the kiddos costumes. After Walmart we came to my apartment and between Jessie and I, we finished Bryson's costume and almost finished Brooke's.
　
I'll end on this note. Tell the people you love that you love them. Hug your family every chance you get. If you see someone struggling to smile, smile for them. If you know someone having a hard time standing up alone, hold your hand out, help them out and walk beside them. Help them learn to walk alone again. Help them get back on their feet. Just help them. Don't push them down. Don't look away. Don't ask someone else to do it. Here is a prayer that my aunt saw on Facebook. It really means a lot to me. <3 Thank you for reading God Bless you all.
Hello God, I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.

... You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.

I want to ask you please to keep,
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever fate they're bound.

Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.

I thank you God, for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall.. !!!!!!!

Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.
So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You, too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!
P.S. Please bless all my friends and family too

R.I.P. Anthony Nicholas Beaman

     I don't even know where to begin. For those of you who know, my family and I suffered an imaginable loss at the beginning of this month. For those of you who don't know, my little brother at only 20 years old committed suicide. As if that wasn't a tragedy enough alone, his girlfriend, who was only 18 went with him. These 2 young lives, wasted and gone. I didn't know Anthony's girlfriend but I can only imagine she was an amazing young woman who just chose the wrong path. What I do know is, my little brother, Anthony Nicholas was an amazing person. From the day he was born he had the world mesmerized by his smile. Captivated by his laugh.... and I can't lie, turning hairs gray with his behavior. He made his appearance on an October morning, October 25th, 1990. Also known as, picture day at my daycare. My school picture that year is a little rough. My hair is a bit uneven, and my eyes are a bit swollen. On the back of the picture it says, please excuse Amanda her mom was in the hospital last night giving birth to her little brother. <3 I remember that night she left like it was yesterday. Once he got home he had my whole heart... I wanted to hold him. I wanted to help feed him. I washed his bottles... and even though more soap and water ended up on the floor than in the bottles, my mom let me be the big sister I wanted to be. His first Christmas I remember mom was trying to fix the crooked tree and it fell over on top of her. We moved to an apartment complex on McRae and we went to EKS, I remember taking that picture on the first day of school in our uniforms. It was at that apartment that we got our first pets, hamsters we named Rascal and Brown Ears.... Tony's was brown ears.. he was super original. :) Not long after that we got our cat Tiger from Petsmart. She was a 1 1/2 I was 11 1/2. That cat became my best friend and eventually moved to Odessa with me a few years later. Then right before my 3rd little brother came around she moved back to El Paso to be with my mom and Tony. That's when she became his best friend. Anyway, enough about the animals. When I was 15 I moved to Odessa to live with my dad and step mom. I can't say I wish I hadn't. My high school years were the best years of my life. I have 2 beautiful children, friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. But I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't moved would that have changed things? Would I still have Tony? We all have guilt and anger over this. We are all saddened and confused. We are all left with a gaping hole in our hearts and a huge question of why??

     Just like the day Tony was born, I'll never forget the day I found out he was gone. I had a training for work that day and I had finally gotten home and was cooking dinner, sloppy Joe's. My mom sent me a text at 6:02, it said "Call me when you get home." I didn't have to call her I already knew. I put down my second sandwich and called her before 6:03 hit... she answered the phone, and I could hear the pain in her voice. I already knew, I prayed for a different kind of news... maybe he was in the hospital. Maybe he was in jail. A million things crossed my mind... but I knew. I screamed when she told me... I screamed no. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest, my head felt like it would explode. I went across the hall to ask my neighbor to come get my now frightened kids. The next week was a blur, but some how between Melissa, Lesli, Rhonda and others I survived. We had his service on October 8th. Which my mom has since told me was the day Anthony had listed as his birthday on Facebook. Some people would say its just a weird chance thing, but nothing in life is chance. My brother picked that date for a reason, no one, not even him knows why he did. But he did.

     During the meeting with the pastor to plan the services, my mom told her a story about Anthony's name. My brother's name was Anthony Nicholas Beaman. In the catholic religion, St. Anthony of Padua is the saint of lost things and missing persons. St. Nicholas is the catholic religion is the saint of many things, including children. My mom told the pastor that she named him Anthony Nicholas because she had a sense that he would be a lost little boy and hoped that these saints would work together to protect and guide him. I don't think she realized just how lost he was going to be.

     No one knew what was going to happen to Tony, no one could have prevented it. No one knows why, no one knows how come he didn't see the people that loved him. There are so many questions that will never be answered. So many hearts that will never heal completely. He hasn't even been gone for 3 weeks yet and I've already heard from at least 20 people who's lives were touched by Anthony. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I'm sorry for those of you who I haven't responded to yet. Slowly but surely I will get back to each and every one of you.

     I read about Tony's friends wearing the yellow ribbons I made for him... I just want to say thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Anthony's death is senseless and painful. No one should ever have to deal with this pain. By wearing that ribbon and telling Anthony's story maybe we can stop someone from making the same decision. If even one life is changed than our pain won't be in vain. Anthony's death won't be in vain. I can only imagine the tears that spilled while reading this post, as I know several of my own are streaked along my face. Thank you again for all the condolences. I can't imagine going through this tragedy with out everyone. Lesli, Rhonda, Jessie, Mom, Brooke, Tammy, Ellie, Taylor, Tiffany, Shannon, Melissa, Bryson, Vanessa, Donham Family, Patton Family, and so many others... Thank you. Slowly I am healing and I couldn't do it with out your support.