An Evening with Lance Bass

   “Do you have any little brothers”, Melinda asked. “YES! I have three”, I replied through sobs. Wait…let me go back a little further…

 

                You see in early February I found that THE Lance Bass was going to be in Odessa/Midland hosting a concert. I was over the moon, ecstatic, shaking, unbelievably excited!! I immediately began my hunt for VIP. There was absolutely NO way that Lance was going to be in the same city as me, and I not meet him!! Well, in March, mission accomplished. They announced the Lance Bass VIP packages. My heart sunk. There were 4 options…. Dinner, for $1000, Social Media manager (for the concert) $550, Happy hour before the concert $325, and finally the basic meet and greet for $125. I was determined to get the dinner!! Have dinner with Lance Bass?!?! Are you kidding me, it doesn’t get any better than that!!

                Long story cut a little short. Through the help of some amazing friends, and a BIG vinyl decal sale, I was able to get the happy hour. It wasn’t the dinner, but at least I would meet him!! So fast forward to May 18^th, 2019. I am typing this out so that I can always remember every little detail. To some it might not be a big deal. They don’t like *//\\//sync, or they say he’s a “c-lister” now. They say he’s gay so what does it matter. You’re right. It’s not your dream… so what’s it matter to you? It’s been my dream for 21 years. And I was determined to make it the best experience ever. Let me tell you… it absolutely was. Without a doubt, 100% the best experience I could’ve ever imagined!

                I walked up to the Wagner-Noel and was standing there with two other women. Both older than I am, also excited for the Lance Bass meet and greet. Slowly more people started to show up until we had about 8-9 people waiting. Every person that walked by my heart burst! Then she finally showed up!! Melinda came out and greeted us. She checked off each of our names, and then gave us wristbands. Not just any wristbands. They were the same wristbands from the 2001 Pop Odyssey tour. The same tour that I was able to see twice the summer of 2001! I burst into tears, shaking and just completely overwhelmed with emotion! The others kinda giggled at me, but in a loving way. Told me to take a breath and helped me put the band on. Then, THEN she gave me a second band! She told me that I would go last at the Meet and Greet because I was going to continue with them to the happy hour after. So, we all walk into the Wagner. We walk to the left and go into a hallway that leads backstage. THANK YOU JESUS. There was a chair in that little room!! I immediately took a seat and tried to gather myself. I wasn’t crying anymore, but my heart was POUNDING. Then Melinda walks through the next set of doors and says “Ok, everyone, come this way.” I turn the corner, walk past that door, at the same time Lance comes out from the other doors and says “HHIIII!!” I LOST IT. I mean, full blown panic. I squeaked out something that resembled, “oh hi” and sat back down in the other room crying!! This brings me to the moment mentioned in the beginning of the story. Melinda asks me… are you crying again?!?! I nodded. That’s when Lance hugged me!!! I know he meant for it to calm me down, but I swear I heard a vein burst in my head! Melinda then asked me about my brothers and told me Lance was no different. He was just like an annoying little brother. I laughed about that a little, thinking maybe to you! LOL! To me he’s a dream come true! So we all go through the meet and greet. She asks if we have any questions for Lance, a few people do. One asked “How’s married life?” He mentioned they’ve been married about four and half years now, and together eight and a half. I remembered some friends calling me on the day of his wedding and offering me condolences. It was absolutely hilarious! I told Lance and the group about that, he patted my shoulder ( he had never left my side after that initial hug other than pictures with the others.) So, he patted my shoulder and said “It’s ok! No girl could have me!”. For some reason, that moment kind of instantly released the tension and breath I didn’t even notice I was holding! So, the meet and greet continued a little longer. All together it lasted about 20-30 minutes. After it was done, and everyone else walked out. Melinda told me to follow them. Wait, what?? Ok!!! So, I followed her and Lance into the backstage, and then into a hallway covered top to bottom in signatures! Then I realized this hallway was where the dressing rooms were!! It didn’t hit me until I saw a sign by a door that said “Ryan Caberra”… then “Aaron Carter”… then “Lance Bass”!!!! What?!?!?! We’re going to his DRESSING ROOM?!?!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?! So, we walk in and they ask me if I want anything to drink or eat. There’s tea, water, Tito’s vodka, champagne, fruit, and a birthday cake!! It was so amazing and so overwhelming. I’m just standing there in Lance’s dressing room, and that’s when I snapped the candid picture many of you have seen by now. Then he walks over to me, and hands me a slice of cake. I was literally sharing Lance’s birthday cake!  His manager told me to have a seat and relax. So, I tried, and then I couldn’t hold my tea, and cake, and phone and nerves all at the same time! So, she switched me chairs, and put me next to the table. The three of us sat in there and ate cake and talked. Then they offered me food from the catering. I got some fettucine alfredo!! Melinda mentioned how essentially; I still was able to get the dinner with Lance!! She also mentioned that Eventbrite, the company selling the tickets called her, on behalf of me!! They were trying to get her to set up payment plan options for “Amanda”. They told her they had gotten a call and they tried to walk her through it. But she said it was just too difficult. So, she was glad I was still able to get one of the packages! We talked about EVERYTHING. They asked about pumpjacks, and the oilfield. We talked about the crime rate and teen pregnancy rate locally. Lance mentioned he’d heard of a high school specifically for those teen moms, and their kids. I told them about how I was a teen mom, in an abusive relationship. That I was able to leave him, and make sure my daughter and I were safe. We talked about Tony, and my work with suicide prevention. He told me does a lot of work with the Trevor project. Which is a project that deals with suicide directly in the LGBQT community. We talked about our dogs, and his that are Aussie/Beagle mix. I showed him my Presley girl. We talked about Venyasa, and how I lost her. Then we moved on to tattoos. He showed me the tattoos on his legs. We laughed about how Texas has a type of sibling rivalry with California. He told me that everyone in Cali loves Texas, but the Colorado people hate us. Then we went back to the meet and greet area to meet with the rest of the bands. When we got to the area and he said, “He guys, this is my friend Amanda.” Ya’ll… my jaw DROPPED. I mean, Lance introduced me as HIS friend!! We finish up with the meet and greet and go BACK TO THE DRESSING ROOM! What?!?! We weren’t done?!? We get back there, and they asked about my family. Asked where my husband was. Then one of them (don’t remember who) suggested we FaceTime him!!!! So, we freaking FaceTimed with my husband and kids!!!! All 3 of them got to “meet” Lance!!!! Then after we hung up, I remembered one other person who would love to “meet” him!! So, then we FaceTimed my mom!!!! She was flabbergasted! She stood on the other end of the camera speechless for a few seconds!! Then she talked to Lance about the time we were in Dallas and tried to sneak onto the hotel grounds to get a picture of the group! It was hilarious to tell him that! He asked if we had found them that day and laughed when we admitted defeat.

                I’m sure there are details I’m missing somewhere. It’s all still kind of an amazing, magical blur of happiness. Essentially the main point is, I had over an hour with Lance and his manager!! All by myself. The only one that paid for an extra level of VIP. We had dinner, drinks, conversation, laughs, and so much more. While a lot of money and planning went into the night… It was absolutely priceless. Beyond anything I could ever dream or imagine. So thank you, thank you to everyone who helped me get to that point. Helped me by donating, helped me by sharing, helped me by encouraging. Those who helped me by picking an outfit, finding a store for the outfit. Lending me a piece of the outfit. The one who helped me with hair and makeup. Most of all… Thank you to my husband, Lance and Melinda. My husband for allowing me to be the crazy fangirl that I have been for almost 21 years. To Lance and Melinda, for hosting such an incredible evening.

Raising a genius...

It's hard to explain life with Bryson. Some days it's hard, most days it's fun. He has his moment where you want to squeeze his little head off, and other where you want to just squeeze him. He is happiness and stubbornness. He is joy and he is frustration. Every now and then though, he absolutely blows me away.

A few days ago, he did just that. You see, Bryson is always learning. Always exploring, and wanting to know how, why, when, where. He was in the bath the other night, when he was done he came into the living room. He asked me "What is 46 times 46?"

I was so confused, but I pulled up the calculator and then I told him the answer. He said "Wow! So that's how many little bubble things are on the rug in the bathroom." He then explained to me that he counted each little bubble. Then counted the row. Then... somehow... my little seven year old boy, in 2nd grade.... knew to multiply them to get the answer he wanted. When he explained that to me, I was in shock. Just blown away and couldn't believe he knew to do that. I asked my mom, who teaches 2nd grade, when he would learn about that. She said it would be during the end of second grade. So he knew how to do something he's never ever been taught.

Like I said, it's so hard to explain life with Bryson. But it's moments like that that make it so worthwhile. Learning through his eyes, is always an adventure.

#BoycottUnfriended Take 2

I’m sure most of you have seen my posts about Unfriended, about how disgusting I feel it is. Different strokes for different folks I guess. However, I don’t feel like a story based around someone who is cyber bullied and then takes their own life is entertainment. Since it’s opening in April the movie has made about 29,973,000.00. If they donated just 10%, TEN PERCENT! They could donate $299,730.00 to AFSP. The difference that would make is huge! It would provide financing for almost 600 support groups. It would help distribute educational material at almost 6,000 colleges. We could place the “More than Sad” program at close to 3,000 high schools! With a donation of only ten percent of the total sales, to date, $239,784.00 would go DIRECTLY to prevention. I understand not everyone understand my view on this. Not everyone has lost someone to suicide. Even more so, not everyone has lost someone to suicide after being cyber bullied. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Not only am I Left with the haunting pain of my brother’s death. I am also left with the immense hatred and frustration towards the one who bullied him. It’s something I’ve worked on now for almost 4 years, I haven’t let go of it yet. Hopefully one day I will be able to.

Help spread this blog; help the word get to the right people. Maybe we can sway the people involved in this production to donate and help fight for the world without suicide. Together we can change the world. Also, if you absolutely feel the need to watch a movie/video of someone who has taken their lives after cyberbullying see the links below.

 

Rest in peace Anthony Nicholas Beaman

 

https://youtu.be/nTndM0IXMoI

https://youtu.be/BKvXPM-EVDQ

https://youtu.be/MFKoMvT6xOg

https://youtu.be/Oxf6nKZRhz4

https://youtu.be/SZJvDhaSDnc

https://youtu.be/0xk4v89z1KI

https://youtu.be/uXNI55yv5f4

 

#BoycottUnfriended

If you've known me more than 12 minutes then you know..... My brother died from suicide..... Do you know why? Have you heard that story? Well, to shorten it he was bullied. Mercilessly, by a woman who he loved. By a girl, with so much hatred in her soul, that she sometimes says she is glad for the pain she caused my brother. 

Please don't get me wrong, she IS NOT the reason he took his life. There are so many more issues we can discuss. It's so much more complex than that. However, cyber bullying was the straw that broke the camel's back. The cyber bullying was what was the final push. This type of death is often referred to a bullycide. Fast forward to today.... I come across a movie trailer, looks interesting. It's called "unfriended". Well, a few seconds into it I'm intrigued. It talks about how all our memories are saved online forever, then it goes on to say so are our mistakes.......  Ok, you've got me, I'm interested. Then it shows a video of a girl drunk and just being the stupid person we've all been. Fast forward 5-10 seconds.... It shows her, yes SHOWS HER, shoot herself in the head. So I'm thinking, ok so it's a bullycide awareness type film, right? Well that's good we need awareness..... The video continues.... The kids are all on Skype chat... And a "glitch" pops up and well, basically it's the anniversary of her death and she's back to seek revenge? Vengeance? Just pissed??? I'm not sure, but it literally made me sick to my stomach. It brought me to tears and PISSED ME THE EFF OFF!!!!! How is it our society has become so freaking numb to the pain of others that bullying/suicide/bullycide has now become something we can mock?!?! Don't you dare tell me they aren't mocking it either. They used a tragic AND TRUE story to create a fictional horror film!!!! Did Lauren exist? Was a video uploaded of her crazy night?? Probably not. However, Tony exists. Well, he did. A fake profile went and commented ON EVERY SINGLE PICTURE OF HIS FACEBOOK very awful and untrue things about his character and background. Amanda Todd existed. Amanda's video was real. Amanda's death was real. I am disgustingly infuriated by this mockery of a subject, no of a DISEASE that is taking the country, and the world in an epidemic of tragedy!! Please join me in fighting this, we need to make #BoycottUnfriended a trending hashtag. We need to let Hollywood know, THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!     

Dear Future Husband,

Dear Future Husband.... I have been searching for you for at least 27 1/2 years now..... I've had the perfect wedding planned for you for years. I've had the date picked, for years. It started with 05/06/07..... Then it was going to maybe be 10/11/12...... This year is was 12/13/14. I've always wanted a wedding date with consecutive numbers. This is the last year for that chance. So I want to apologize to you. I haven't found you yet, and I'm so close to giving up. I don't like the feeling of giving up. I don't like the hopelessness feeling that comes with heartbreak. I don't like planning my wedding and my future with a man... only to realize he isn't you. Future husband, I can promise you, that when I do find you I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will give you so much that you will wonder how you survived before you found us. I will love and cherish you for all of my days. I will be loyal and faithful and helpful to you. I will fix you dinner, make your plate. I'll wash and fold your clothes. I will spoil you. And you will let me. I am a very giving person, always have been... always will be. I promise I will give to you so much that you will probably feel smothered. But, please know I'm not trying to smother you. It's the way that I love.... Just ask my kids. But dear husband of mine, that I haven't yet had the privilege of meeting yet..... I need you to do a few things for me.

Please, be an adult. You don't have to act your age all the time. But please.. be able to have an adult conversation without... running away... throwing a fit.... throwing a temper tantrum.... hitting me.... yelling at me... or giving up on us. I promise I wouldn't be investing my time into you if I didn't think it was worth it.

Please have lived your life. Please have crazy and wild stories about riding on top of the car. Please have an insanely beautiful ex-girlfriend. I want to be crazy jealous of the time you had with her...  but ridiculously overwhelmed by the fact that she had you...  but now you're mine. And will be forever. But even though you have the stories... please respect our relationship. Don't compare... Don't tell me stories that I don't want to hear (sexual escapades with said beautiful ex).

Please.. and this is one of the big ones. Please... Love my children. They have been through so much in the past few years. I have put them through so much in the past few years. They deserve you to  treat them like they are your own flesh and blood. Their own fathers don't treat them that way. They deserve someone who does. Love them, discipline them, cater to them, be hard on them, let them get away with things. Let Brooke fix your hair. Teach Bryson to catch a football and play baseball. My children are my world.... They will always come first in our lives... as will yours if you have any.

Please have manners. Say please and thank you. Chew with your mouth closed. Hang up your towel after the shower (most the time). The little things count more than you could ever imagine and mean more to me than I could ever explain.

Please remember this.... White Roses. They're my favorite. Yes my favorite color is red... but White roses will always get you far.

Please talk to me. Voice your opinion. Voice your fears. Your dreams. You wants and needs. Please don't keep it bottled in.... I am your biggest advocate and I will always have your back in any situation. (Within reason).

Dear future husband.... I am so excited to meet you. I miss you and I don't even know your name. I love you, and I don't even know the color of your eyes. I dream of you and I've never heard your voice. I know that we will be happy, I know that we will prevail and I know that we will have our happily ever after.

Dear future husband.... here's the biggest one of all.......... Please exist. Please be out there and find me. I need you more than you could ever imagine and I want to begin the rest of my life with you.

28 days to make or break a habit.....

Where do I go from here? 8 months doesn't seem like a long relationship... but to me, it is. My longest relationship actually. What's crazy is I didn't need 8 months. I knew from the day I met him that there was something special about him. I knew from the first week with him that I wanted to see him every single day for as long as he would let me. I knew within the 1st month that I was happier than I ever could be. I knew within 2 months that I loved in... and I've known for a while that I could and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I've also known from the day I met him that he had a drinking problem. I found out after the first week just how bad it was. By the 3rd week I knew I should've ran. But, like I said.... with in the first hour I knew there was something special about him. I couldn't walk away. I couldn't run. On Halloween he ruined the holiday for my kids because he took forever to get ready and then he was drunk by the time we were going to trick or treat. We went to 4 houses and then it was time to get home. On the way home he let me know he had decided to do acid. It was a holiday "tradition" and he didn't want to pass it up just because we were together. I should've walked away then.... I tried.. We broke up, for all of 24 hours. I don't know why I took him back. I don't know why I couldn't walk away.... But I didn't. Things got better, the drinking got better. The drugs went away. The happiness came back tenfold. Then Thanksgiving came..... we had an amazing morning together cooking and getting ready for dinners with our respective families. He finished with his parents first so he went to a bar while he waited for me to finish..... He managed not to be drunk so we went to the apartment and had a great evening watching movies and snuggling. Christmas came..we had the most amazing Christmas morning. The most amazing time opening presents with my kids in the morning. Going to my parent's for breakfast. He then went to Emily's and his parents to do their things. I came home to the apartment around 6 or 7.... he had been drinking and had some more left. The kids went to bed and he got drunk... very drunk. Then he got called out to work. Left to work drunk  and terrified me and my friend because he has to drive for his job. Then Valentine's Day came.... the Thursday before he got mad  at me. I don't even remember why. On Valentine's Day he didn't call me all day (he was at work) finally he called me at around lunch time and told me Happy Valentine's day. He showed up at home from working all night at around 7AM he brought me some Easter Lillies and an Easter Bunny... he said it was because when he was at walmart at 6AM they were already pulling out the Easter stuff and thought it was funny. It's hard to explain but that gift was.... was just so... Daniel. I know you're  reading this thinking...  WHY DID YOU STAY?!?! Because those bad things I mentioned... Are all the bad things I could think of. Plus I had to think very hard about those things. The good had always outweighed the bad until recently. That's why I was always able to look the other way. However last Thursday I couldn't anymore. I couldn't turn my head while he got drunk, again, 3rd night in a row, and while on call. Long story short we got in a fight. Long story short he's gone. ... my family  is gone. My security is gone. My happiness (the kind only he can give me) is gone. Thursday at lunch we asked who was gonna take who's name. He said he likes the name Beaman so I said oh so will you be taking my last name?!? And he laughed, kissed me, and said no of course not... you WILL be a McAfee someday.  Less than 12 hours later we're over. We're done. I don't understand, I don't want to understand. I want to wake up and redo Thursday. I want to make different decisions and give him the chance to make different decisions. I've talked to him every single day... every single day for 8 and a half  months. I've seen him ALMOST everyday since September 15, 2014. Unless he was at work or something. Now it's been a week. A week without a word. No texts. No facebook messages. No smoke signals. Not one single tiny itty bitty word. It's so weird, I'm not used to it. It hurts. It's a nice relief. It's unimaginable the mix of emotions I am having. Mostly just sadness. Sad for my kids who lost the closest thing to a father they've ever had. Sad that his son Malachi has lost his chance at the stable family we could provide him. Sad that all the progress Daniel has made to better his life will begin to backtrack, quickly. Sad that the family I worked so hard to make fell apart in just a few hours. Just sad... I have cried every day for a week. A little less each day but still every day. I know that I'm going to be ok. I know that we're going to be ok. My kids, and I will make it, we always do. But it isn't fair... we deserve the happiness Daniel was able to give us. But we don't deserve the pain he caused with his drinking. I know that he is capable of getting sober. He is able to be the man I know he can be. But he has to be willing... and right now. He isn't willing to let go of that life for the family we had. For the family we could be...... I can't write more tonight.... But that's the just of it.

Waves...

It comes in waves... I'll go days, weeks, sometimes even months without a single breakdown. Without too many tears. Then, I'll come across something. I'll read something, hear something or think of something. Then the tears start and sometimes they just can't stop. Right now happens to be one of those moments. I have seen a blog posted by a few friends. I've wanted to read it but I haven't had the courage. Today, I finally got the found the strength, I pulled up the blog and started to read. I didn't get past the first page without tears. It's titled "I'm an accomplice to my brother's suicide". Her younger brother took his life a few weeks before his 21st birthday. Sound familiar? Tony was 3 weeks and 3 days away from being 21. After reading her blog it's so comforting and yet so condemning? Is that the word? Every word she said was true. We were all accomplices.  We all helped by not knowing how to help. Some people by refusing to help. Like Erin I am using my pain to help others. Like Erin I have become involved in the AFSP. I opened up my laptop and I had  so much to say... Now that I'm typing... I've got nothing.. The best thing I can say is learn the signs, and watch for them. Most importantly... if you see the signs... Take action. Please don't bean accomplice by doing nothing. Stand up, speak out. Do Something.