Dear Future Husband,

Dear Future Husband.... I have been searching for you for at least 27 1/2 years now..... I've had the perfect wedding planned for you for years. I've had the date picked, for years. It started with 05/06/07..... Then it was going to maybe be 10/11/12...... This year is was 12/13/14. I've always wanted a wedding date with consecutive numbers. This is the last year for that chance. So I want to apologize to you. I haven't found you yet, and I'm so close to giving up. I don't like the feeling of giving up. I don't like the hopelessness feeling that comes with heartbreak. I don't like planning my wedding and my future with a man... only to realize he isn't you. Future husband, I can promise you, that when I do find you I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will give you so much that you will wonder how you survived before you found us. I will love and cherish you for all of my days. I will be loyal and faithful and helpful to you. I will fix you dinner, make your plate. I'll wash and fold your clothes. I will spoil you. And you will let me. I am a very giving person, always have been... always will be. I promise I will give to you so much that you will probably feel smothered. But, please know I'm not trying to smother you. It's the way that I love.... Just ask my kids. But dear husband of mine, that I haven't yet had the privilege of meeting yet..... I need you to do a few things for me.

Please, be an adult. You don't have to act your age all the time. But please.. be able to have an adult conversation without... running away... throwing a fit.... throwing a temper tantrum.... hitting me.... yelling at me... or giving up on us. I promise I wouldn't be investing my time into you if I didn't think it was worth it.

Please have lived your life. Please have crazy and wild stories about riding on top of the car. Please have an insanely beautiful ex-girlfriend. I want to be crazy jealous of the time you had with her...  but ridiculously overwhelmed by the fact that she had you...  but now you're mine. And will be forever. But even though you have the stories... please respect our relationship. Don't compare... Don't tell me stories that I don't want to hear (sexual escapades with said beautiful ex).

Please.. and this is one of the big ones. Please... Love my children. They have been through so much in the past few years. I have put them through so much in the past few years. They deserve you to  treat them like they are your own flesh and blood. Their own fathers don't treat them that way. They deserve someone who does. Love them, discipline them, cater to them, be hard on them, let them get away with things. Let Brooke fix your hair. Teach Bryson to catch a football and play baseball. My children are my world.... They will always come first in our lives... as will yours if you have any.

Please have manners. Say please and thank you. Chew with your mouth closed. Hang up your towel after the shower (most the time). The little things count more than you could ever imagine and mean more to me than I could ever explain.

Please remember this.... White Roses. They're my favorite. Yes my favorite color is red... but White roses will always get you far.

Please talk to me. Voice your opinion. Voice your fears. Your dreams. You wants and needs. Please don't keep it bottled in.... I am your biggest advocate and I will always have your back in any situation. (Within reason).

Dear future husband.... I am so excited to meet you. I miss you and I don't even know your name. I love you, and I don't even know the color of your eyes. I dream of you and I've never heard your voice. I know that we will be happy, I know that we will prevail and I know that we will have our happily ever after.

Dear future husband.... here's the biggest one of all.......... Please exist. Please be out there and find me. I need you more than you could ever imagine and I want to begin the rest of my life with you.

28 days to make or break a habit.....

Where do I go from here? 8 months doesn't seem like a long relationship... but to me, it is. My longest relationship actually. What's crazy is I didn't need 8 months. I knew from the day I met him that there was something special about him. I knew from the first week with him that I wanted to see him every single day for as long as he would let me. I knew within the 1st month that I was happier than I ever could be. I knew within 2 months that I loved in... and I've known for a while that I could and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I've also known from the day I met him that he had a drinking problem. I found out after the first week just how bad it was. By the 3rd week I knew I should've ran. But, like I said.... with in the first hour I knew there was something special about him. I couldn't walk away. I couldn't run. On Halloween he ruined the holiday for my kids because he took forever to get ready and then he was drunk by the time we were going to trick or treat. We went to 4 houses and then it was time to get home. On the way home he let me know he had decided to do acid. It was a holiday "tradition" and he didn't want to pass it up just because we were together. I should've walked away then.... I tried.. We broke up, for all of 24 hours. I don't know why I took him back. I don't know why I couldn't walk away.... But I didn't. Things got better, the drinking got better. The drugs went away. The happiness came back tenfold. Then Thanksgiving came..... we had an amazing morning together cooking and getting ready for dinners with our respective families. He finished with his parents first so he went to a bar while he waited for me to finish..... He managed not to be drunk so we went to the apartment and had a great evening watching movies and snuggling. Christmas came..we had the most amazing Christmas morning. The most amazing time opening presents with my kids in the morning. Going to my parent's for breakfast. He then went to Emily's and his parents to do their things. I came home to the apartment around 6 or 7.... he had been drinking and had some more left. The kids went to bed and he got drunk... very drunk. Then he got called out to work. Left to work drunk  and terrified me and my friend because he has to drive for his job. Then Valentine's Day came.... the Thursday before he got mad  at me. I don't even remember why. On Valentine's Day he didn't call me all day (he was at work) finally he called me at around lunch time and told me Happy Valentine's day. He showed up at home from working all night at around 7AM he brought me some Easter Lillies and an Easter Bunny... he said it was because when he was at walmart at 6AM they were already pulling out the Easter stuff and thought it was funny. It's hard to explain but that gift was.... was just so... Daniel. I know you're  reading this thinking...  WHY DID YOU STAY?!?! Because those bad things I mentioned... Are all the bad things I could think of. Plus I had to think very hard about those things. The good had always outweighed the bad until recently. That's why I was always able to look the other way. However last Thursday I couldn't anymore. I couldn't turn my head while he got drunk, again, 3rd night in a row, and while on call. Long story short we got in a fight. Long story short he's gone. ... my family  is gone. My security is gone. My happiness (the kind only he can give me) is gone. Thursday at lunch we asked who was gonna take who's name. He said he likes the name Beaman so I said oh so will you be taking my last name?!? And he laughed, kissed me, and said no of course not... you WILL be a McAfee someday.  Less than 12 hours later we're over. We're done. I don't understand, I don't want to understand. I want to wake up and redo Thursday. I want to make different decisions and give him the chance to make different decisions. I've talked to him every single day... every single day for 8 and a half  months. I've seen him ALMOST everyday since September 15, 2014. Unless he was at work or something. Now it's been a week. A week without a word. No texts. No facebook messages. No smoke signals. Not one single tiny itty bitty word. It's so weird, I'm not used to it. It hurts. It's a nice relief. It's unimaginable the mix of emotions I am having. Mostly just sadness. Sad for my kids who lost the closest thing to a father they've ever had. Sad that his son Malachi has lost his chance at the stable family we could provide him. Sad that all the progress Daniel has made to better his life will begin to backtrack, quickly. Sad that the family I worked so hard to make fell apart in just a few hours. Just sad... I have cried every day for a week. A little less each day but still every day. I know that I'm going to be ok. I know that we're going to be ok. My kids, and I will make it, we always do. But it isn't fair... we deserve the happiness Daniel was able to give us. But we don't deserve the pain he caused with his drinking. I know that he is capable of getting sober. He is able to be the man I know he can be. But he has to be willing... and right now. He isn't willing to let go of that life for the family we had. For the family we could be...... I can't write more tonight.... But that's the just of it.

Waves...

It comes in waves... I'll go days, weeks, sometimes even months without a single breakdown. Without too many tears. Then, I'll come across something. I'll read something, hear something or think of something. Then the tears start and sometimes they just can't stop. Right now happens to be one of those moments. I have seen a blog posted by a few friends. I've wanted to read it but I haven't had the courage. Today, I finally got the found the strength, I pulled up the blog and started to read. I didn't get past the first page without tears. It's titled "I'm an accomplice to my brother's suicide". Her younger brother took his life a few weeks before his 21st birthday. Sound familiar? Tony was 3 weeks and 3 days away from being 21. After reading her blog it's so comforting and yet so condemning? Is that the word? Every word she said was true. We were all accomplices.  We all helped by not knowing how to help. Some people by refusing to help. Like Erin I am using my pain to help others. Like Erin I have become involved in the AFSP. I opened up my laptop and I had  so much to say... Now that I'm typing... I've got nothing.. The best thing I can say is learn the signs, and watch for them. Most importantly... if you see the signs... Take action. Please don't bean accomplice by doing nothing. Stand up, speak out. Do Something.

December

I don't want this post to be all bad. So I'll start with the good. I have come so far in my grief journey. Farther than I ever thought I could come after that horrible no good rotten day. Sometimes I can go  weeks without crying. I have come so far in my suicide prevention efforts. I was the chairman of the 2013 AFSP Out of the Darkness walk for my area. It was so completely amazing and awesome. It was so stressful, chaotic and crazy. So healing, and many many other things. Together we have raised over $5,000.  It was so great to be apart of that cause.

Well, that's all the good about suicide stuff. There's more good though. My kids are doing great, Bryson is potty trained. Brooke is doing good in school. I'm in an awesome relationship with a great guy who's awesome with my kids.

Well, that's enough about the awesome stuff in my personal stuff.

October is hard. It's Anthony's birthday, Anthony's death date, and one of his favorite holidays. October sucks, and it sucks bad. Yet, as bad as October sucks.... December, on some days, is worse. December 2010 is the last time I saw my brother. December 26th,  2010 is the last time I saw my brother. Christmas 2010 is the last holiday I spent with my brother. The last present I gave him, the last time he saw my kids. The last time my kids saw him. So yes, he died in October. 24 days before he was supposed to be 21. And 13 weeks before he (unknowingly) became a father. But December 26th... I don't remember if I hugged him. I don't remember if  I told him I loved him. Did I take the kids out of the car so they could say bye? Or did he wave to them through the window? Did he get out of the car to tell us bye in that parking lot? Anthony had gotten lost and used my mom's iPad to send me a Facebook message to tell me he was in a parking lot at the hospital where I had Brooke. I read those messages a lot. I read them to try to remind me of that day. I try to jog my memory so  I can try to remember if I hugged him. That's all I want to remember. The last time I saw my brother alive. The last time I saw my brother at all... Did I hug him? Does anyone else have this? One thing that they can't move past? I've done so good with every other part of my grief. I've worked through so much. I have such a  good memory and so this bothers me more than it probably should.

I haven't written a blog in a really long time. Well over a year. I'm sorry this has been so scattered but I have a lot of thoughts I've needed to get out. So I started with the biggest  one on my mind.

Wish he had kept his word

I know some people are going to think I'm crazy for sharing this. Or for even feeling this way. But it's my blog, and it's where I clear my mind. So here it goes. As most of you know now Jessie and I have been broken up (officially) since June 14. I did pretty good at walking away, for a little bit and then we talked and tried to do the friend thing. When that didn't work (because we're too much in love I guess) we half way decided to maybe work on things. That didn't last long because he hadn't changed a bit. So I walked away again. Well after the same thing of back and forth from June to the end of August, beginning of September we were finally doing good as friends. And then I made one smart ass comment (shocking I know... come on now) and he gets all huffy and decides we can't be friends anymore. Ok whatever, I guess I'm ok with that. It's what's needs to happen for me to move on anyway. I guess. But even though I've forgiven the cheating. Even though I've "gotten over it" The thing that still gets to me is he was supposed to be there for me during the past few weeks. When Anthony died I tried to push Jessie away I told him I didn't want to have that connection between him and my brother's death. But he pushed back and ended up winning and staying. Around our 6 month anniversary, and a week before Tony's 6 month angelversary Jessie told me he'd always be there for me when it came to Tony. No matter what happened between us he said he'd be there. Which was very comforting because he had been the main one who was there for me at any time of day or night. He was the one who held me while I woke up and cried from a nightmare. He was the one who paid for me to go get a pedicure on Tony's birthday to help cheer me up. He was my rock and anchor through the first 11 months. Yet, I had to go to El Paso without him, which us being broke up I wouldn't have expected him to go. But that was the original plan. Then on Tony's actual angelversary I don't know why, but I thought I'd hear from him. Even a simple text like, hope you're ok. Something to show that he did half way care about me and what I went through and allowed him to be a part of. I let him be apart of my life during the time when I was most vulnerable and I guess he took advantage of that. He knew that I needed him and he needed to be the hero. I guess as soon as I was strong enough to stand on my own 2 feet again he needed to find a new damsel in distress. It just annoys me and hurts me that he hasn't checked to see how I've been doing in the wake of Anthony's angelversary. I honestly thought he would have. Maybe I just expect too much from people, I just don't know. What I do know though... Is with or with out him. I'm going to be ok. I'm going to continue to live my life and help others in Anthony's memory. I'm probably going to get an earful from people about this and before you comment let me be clear. I don't miss Jessie exactly... I miss having someone there for me when I needed someone most. I miss having someone to wipe the tears away and tell me I'm going to be ok. I don't miss Jessie my boyfriend. I miss Jessie my friend. We had been talking since April 2011, before my bubba was even born. So that's a long time to just stop, especially after going through what I went through with him by my side. Anyway... I know my blogs are usually not so pity party, but I was just thinking a lot this week and needed to get it off my chest. Since I don't really have anyone I can just talk to about anything when ever... I decided to do it here. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I don't want to relapse AGAIN and try talking to him. =/ But if anyone wants to take his movies back to his apartment for me, that'd be great LOL

1 year down, the rest of my life to go.

6:02 PM- October 1,2011. The moment, date and time that will forever be burned into my heart. I remember what I was wearing, what I was eating. I remember where I was sitting. I remember the unimaginable pain that coursed through my body beginning from my heart and over the next few days spreading through every inch of my soul. The text was from my mom. It was short, and simple. But in 6 words my world came crashing down around me. "Call me when you get home." We had been looking for Anthony for a little over 12 hours at that point.... I knew the text meant something bad. I remember the sinking feeling in my gut, I knew something was wrong. I never imagined the news I would receive less than a minute later would be that my baby brother was gone. That he had taken his own life and I would never see him again. My kids would never see him again. Even now, a year later. I still can't put into words what that felt like. It was kind of a combination of pain, emptiness, shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, nausea, and so many other things. Growing up, your siblings are usually the closest people to you. And although Tony and I didn't get along we were very close. I mean we were all each other had at times. We both were kinda the odd man out of school. It's hard to explain our relationship. We didn't get along, we fought like crazy but.. let me tell you. If someone messed with my baby brother, it was on like Donkey Kong! I miss him so much. I miss him more some days than others. However there is never ever a day that I don't wish I could hear his laugh one more time. In the last years of his life we didn't hear that beautiful sound near enough.

They say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see that when a tragedy happens. I can't say that I even see it now. What I do know is that Anthony's death has thrown me had first into suicide prevention and awareness. What I also know is that Anthony was a very special and unique person. There was no one like him in the world, and the world wouldn't have been able to handle 2 of him. So maybe that's why this happened. Maybe that's the rhyme behind the reason. Maybe, just maybe the world couldn't handle to souls like Anthony on it at the same time. So 13 weeks before his son Leo was born maybe the world needed to make room for another soul so unique and amazing. I know this may not make sense to some of you, it doesn't to me either. It doesn't sound fair either.
Guilt is an unforgiving emotion. It keeps you awake at night. It makes you want to sleep all the time. It gives you headaches. It makes you numb. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS GUILT ABOUT ANTHONY'S DEATH. Make no mistake about this. None of us treated him "good". However, we seem to forget the fact that he didn't treat us too kind either. He was shut off the world. He pushed away people and help. We can't sit here and say we didn't do anything to help, because that simply isn't the case. We all tried, we all loved the hell out of him. But he was just too far gone. Yes, I could've done more. Yes, you should've answered that call. And you should've forwarded that message. You should've called just because. I should've sent that birthday card. She shouldn't have hurt him. He shouldn't have bullied him. WE ALL have should'ves... But nothing will change that. Ever. Rather than focusing on the things we should've done, why don't we focus on the things we DID DO? I was the most sister I knew how to be given our situation. My mom, single mother 2 of gave us everything we needed and wanted and worked her ass off to get where she is today. Moneek, Cheyenne, Regan, Michaela, and so many other girls (NOT GIRLFRIENDS, SOME SIMPLY FRIENDS) all of you showed him amazing love. Matt... You were an amazing friend. I know how much he loved you, how much he always had loved you. So many of you touched my brother in amazing ways, and he touched each of you. There is nothing any of us could've done to save him. He was a lost soul in a hard world. He didn't see the world the way we did. He didn't see the beauty, the amazing and wonderful promise of the future. He couldn't, not through the haze of the drugs. Which brings me back to another things. Drugs. I am BEGGING PLEADING asking....  Get clean. Get sober. You guys have your WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF YOU. Uppers, downers, alcohol.... they all can destroy your way of thinking. Make you think it's the only thing to make you feel better. It's not. The world is an amazing, beautiful place if you would only give it a chance. Look around, it's the little things that make things wonderful. The pregnant woman walking by smiling at the feeling of her unborn child. The child laughing at the silly face his dad is making. The butterfly floating around the park. The warmth from sheets right out of the dryer. The lightening against a backdrop of mountains. The shooting star in the midnight sky.


I can go on and on and on. But I've already been so scattered with this I don't know what else to say. I loved, and still love my brother. But I guess through out the past year I have finally accepted a few things about his death that I can not change. I still haven't completely accepted the fact that I will never see him again. I haven't accepted the fact that Leo doesn't have a father. There are so many things that I just can't physically wrap my mind around. It's too scary. Thank you for reading, I am sorry it's so scattered but that's how my thoughts are.

Brooke and her Uncle Tony 

The 3 of us on Vacation.

Me and Tony as children.

Tony, probably 2 or so. 

My Tattoo in Memory of Anthony Nicholas Beaman

Brooke and Uncle Tony 

A self shot of Tony. 

Feel free to save this and use it as your Facebook banner. 

Every 18 minutes.....

Every 18 minutes someone in the US dies by suicide. That's 3 every hour. 80 a day. 560 A WEEK. 2,240 A MONTH. APPROXIMATELY 26,880 A YEAR! That's in the United States alone! I was driving home the other day and I heard a commercial for food safety. Put your leftovers in the fridge to prevent food poisoning. Because obviously food poisoning is preventable. The commercial goes on to say that this year, almost 3,000 people will die from food posioning. While that is very sad, and my prayers go out to the families of those almost 3,000 people... what about the 26,880 familes that will have to go through the pain, confusion, guilt, stress, and unimaginable loss of a loved one to suicide? How is it there is a budget for a commercial on the radio several times daily to try to prevent almost 3,000 deaths, yet everyone is so hush hush about the almost 30,000 suicides? Suicide is JUST AS PREVENTABLE as food posioning! The stigma and shame that comes with mental illnesses and suicides is ridiculous. We, as a whole need to open our eyes and realize what is happening in our own backyard. We need to reach out to those in need. Pray for those who are lost. Open our hearts to those who feel like they are unloved. One way to help is walk in one of the many Out of the Darkness walks happening this fall around the country. Here are the ones in Texas:
Lubbock: September 16
San Antonio: September
Midland: October 6
Houston: November 3
Witchita Falls: November 3
Austin: November 4
Dallas: November 10
Ediburg: November 17
November 17th is also the International Survivors of Suicide day. There will be conferences held around the world to talk about the unique kind of pain that comes from suicide and so that you can be introduced to people in your area who are going through the same kind of loss. You can find more information on these at the website. www.asp.org Please reach out to those who need help. Not everyone will ask on their own.