Waves...

It comes in waves... I'll go days, weeks, sometimes even months without a single breakdown. Without too many tears. Then, I'll come across something. I'll read something, hear something or think of something. Then the tears start and sometimes they just can't stop. Right now happens to be one of those moments. I have seen a blog posted by a few friends. I've wanted to read it but I haven't had the courage. Today, I finally got the found the strength, I pulled up the blog and started to read. I didn't get past the first page without tears. It's titled "I'm an accomplice to my brother's suicide". Her younger brother took his life a few weeks before his 21st birthday. Sound familiar? Tony was 3 weeks and 3 days away from being 21. After reading her blog it's so comforting and yet so condemning? Is that the word? Every word she said was true. We were all accomplices.  We all helped by not knowing how to help. Some people by refusing to help. Like Erin I am using my pain to help others. Like Erin I have become involved in the AFSP. I opened up my laptop and I had  so much to say... Now that I'm typing... I've got nothing.. The best thing I can say is learn the signs, and watch for them. Most importantly... if you see the signs... Take action. Please don't bean accomplice by doing nothing. Stand up, speak out. Do Something.

December

I don't want this post to be all bad. So I'll start with the good. I have come so far in my grief journey. Farther than I ever thought I could come after that horrible no good rotten day. Sometimes I can go  weeks without crying. I have come so far in my suicide prevention efforts. I was the chairman of the 2013 AFSP Out of the Darkness walk for my area. It was so completely amazing and awesome. It was so stressful, chaotic and crazy. So healing, and many many other things. Together we have raised over $5,000.  It was so great to be apart of that cause.

Well, that's all the good about suicide stuff. There's more good though. My kids are doing great, Bryson is potty trained. Brooke is doing good in school. I'm in an awesome relationship with a great guy who's awesome with my kids.

Well, that's enough about the awesome stuff in my personal stuff.

October is hard. It's Anthony's birthday, Anthony's death date, and one of his favorite holidays. October sucks, and it sucks bad. Yet, as bad as October sucks.... December, on some days, is worse. December 2010 is the last time I saw my brother. December 26th,  2010 is the last time I saw my brother. Christmas 2010 is the last holiday I spent with my brother. The last present I gave him, the last time he saw my kids. The last time my kids saw him. So yes, he died in October. 24 days before he was supposed to be 21. And 13 weeks before he (unknowingly) became a father. But December 26th... I don't remember if I hugged him. I don't remember if  I told him I loved him. Did I take the kids out of the car so they could say bye? Or did he wave to them through the window? Did he get out of the car to tell us bye in that parking lot? Anthony had gotten lost and used my mom's iPad to send me a Facebook message to tell me he was in a parking lot at the hospital where I had Brooke. I read those messages a lot. I read them to try to remind me of that day. I try to jog my memory so  I can try to remember if I hugged him. That's all I want to remember. The last time I saw my brother alive. The last time I saw my brother at all... Did I hug him? Does anyone else have this? One thing that they can't move past? I've done so good with every other part of my grief. I've worked through so much. I have such a  good memory and so this bothers me more than it probably should.

I haven't written a blog in a really long time. Well over a year. I'm sorry this has been so scattered but I have a lot of thoughts I've needed to get out. So I started with the biggest  one on my mind.

Wish he had kept his word

I know some people are going to think I'm crazy for sharing this. Or for even feeling this way. But it's my blog, and it's where I clear my mind. So here it goes. As most of you know now Jessie and I have been broken up (officially) since June 14. I did pretty good at walking away, for a little bit and then we talked and tried to do the friend thing. When that didn't work (because we're too much in love I guess) we half way decided to maybe work on things. That didn't last long because he hadn't changed a bit. So I walked away again. Well after the same thing of back and forth from June to the end of August, beginning of September we were finally doing good as friends. And then I made one smart ass comment (shocking I know... come on now) and he gets all huffy and decides we can't be friends anymore. Ok whatever, I guess I'm ok with that. It's what's needs to happen for me to move on anyway. I guess. But even though I've forgiven the cheating. Even though I've "gotten over it" The thing that still gets to me is he was supposed to be there for me during the past few weeks. When Anthony died I tried to push Jessie away I told him I didn't want to have that connection between him and my brother's death. But he pushed back and ended up winning and staying. Around our 6 month anniversary, and a week before Tony's 6 month angelversary Jessie told me he'd always be there for me when it came to Tony. No matter what happened between us he said he'd be there. Which was very comforting because he had been the main one who was there for me at any time of day or night. He was the one who held me while I woke up and cried from a nightmare. He was the one who paid for me to go get a pedicure on Tony's birthday to help cheer me up. He was my rock and anchor through the first 11 months. Yet, I had to go to El Paso without him, which us being broke up I wouldn't have expected him to go. But that was the original plan. Then on Tony's actual angelversary I don't know why, but I thought I'd hear from him. Even a simple text like, hope you're ok. Something to show that he did half way care about me and what I went through and allowed him to be a part of. I let him be apart of my life during the time when I was most vulnerable and I guess he took advantage of that. He knew that I needed him and he needed to be the hero. I guess as soon as I was strong enough to stand on my own 2 feet again he needed to find a new damsel in distress. It just annoys me and hurts me that he hasn't checked to see how I've been doing in the wake of Anthony's angelversary. I honestly thought he would have. Maybe I just expect too much from people, I just don't know. What I do know though... Is with or with out him. I'm going to be ok. I'm going to continue to live my life and help others in Anthony's memory. I'm probably going to get an earful from people about this and before you comment let me be clear. I don't miss Jessie exactly... I miss having someone there for me when I needed someone most. I miss having someone to wipe the tears away and tell me I'm going to be ok. I don't miss Jessie my boyfriend. I miss Jessie my friend. We had been talking since April 2011, before my bubba was even born. So that's a long time to just stop, especially after going through what I went through with him by my side. Anyway... I know my blogs are usually not so pity party, but I was just thinking a lot this week and needed to get it off my chest. Since I don't really have anyone I can just talk to about anything when ever... I decided to do it here. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I don't want to relapse AGAIN and try talking to him. =/ But if anyone wants to take his movies back to his apartment for me, that'd be great LOL

1 year down, the rest of my life to go.

6:02 PM- October 1,2011. The moment, date and time that will forever be burned into my heart. I remember what I was wearing, what I was eating. I remember where I was sitting. I remember the unimaginable pain that coursed through my body beginning from my heart and over the next few days spreading through every inch of my soul. The text was from my mom. It was short, and simple. But in 6 words my world came crashing down around me. "Call me when you get home." We had been looking for Anthony for a little over 12 hours at that point.... I knew the text meant something bad. I remember the sinking feeling in my gut, I knew something was wrong. I never imagined the news I would receive less than a minute later would be that my baby brother was gone. That he had taken his own life and I would never see him again. My kids would never see him again. Even now, a year later. I still can't put into words what that felt like. It was kind of a combination of pain, emptiness, shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, nausea, and so many other things. Growing up, your siblings are usually the closest people to you. And although Tony and I didn't get along we were very close. I mean we were all each other had at times. We both were kinda the odd man out of school. It's hard to explain our relationship. We didn't get along, we fought like crazy but.. let me tell you. If someone messed with my baby brother, it was on like Donkey Kong! I miss him so much. I miss him more some days than others. However there is never ever a day that I don't wish I could hear his laugh one more time. In the last years of his life we didn't hear that beautiful sound near enough.

They say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see that when a tragedy happens. I can't say that I even see it now. What I do know is that Anthony's death has thrown me had first into suicide prevention and awareness. What I also know is that Anthony was a very special and unique person. There was no one like him in the world, and the world wouldn't have been able to handle 2 of him. So maybe that's why this happened. Maybe that's the rhyme behind the reason. Maybe, just maybe the world couldn't handle to souls like Anthony on it at the same time. So 13 weeks before his son Leo was born maybe the world needed to make room for another soul so unique and amazing. I know this may not make sense to some of you, it doesn't to me either. It doesn't sound fair either.
Guilt is an unforgiving emotion. It keeps you awake at night. It makes you want to sleep all the time. It gives you headaches. It makes you numb. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS GUILT ABOUT ANTHONY'S DEATH. Make no mistake about this. None of us treated him "good". However, we seem to forget the fact that he didn't treat us too kind either. He was shut off the world. He pushed away people and help. We can't sit here and say we didn't do anything to help, because that simply isn't the case. We all tried, we all loved the hell out of him. But he was just too far gone. Yes, I could've done more. Yes, you should've answered that call. And you should've forwarded that message. You should've called just because. I should've sent that birthday card. She shouldn't have hurt him. He shouldn't have bullied him. WE ALL have should'ves... But nothing will change that. Ever. Rather than focusing on the things we should've done, why don't we focus on the things we DID DO? I was the most sister I knew how to be given our situation. My mom, single mother 2 of gave us everything we needed and wanted and worked her ass off to get where she is today. Moneek, Cheyenne, Regan, Michaela, and so many other girls (NOT GIRLFRIENDS, SOME SIMPLY FRIENDS) all of you showed him amazing love. Matt... You were an amazing friend. I know how much he loved you, how much he always had loved you. So many of you touched my brother in amazing ways, and he touched each of you. There is nothing any of us could've done to save him. He was a lost soul in a hard world. He didn't see the world the way we did. He didn't see the beauty, the amazing and wonderful promise of the future. He couldn't, not through the haze of the drugs. Which brings me back to another things. Drugs. I am BEGGING PLEADING asking....  Get clean. Get sober. You guys have your WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF YOU. Uppers, downers, alcohol.... they all can destroy your way of thinking. Make you think it's the only thing to make you feel better. It's not. The world is an amazing, beautiful place if you would only give it a chance. Look around, it's the little things that make things wonderful. The pregnant woman walking by smiling at the feeling of her unborn child. The child laughing at the silly face his dad is making. The butterfly floating around the park. The warmth from sheets right out of the dryer. The lightening against a backdrop of mountains. The shooting star in the midnight sky.


I can go on and on and on. But I've already been so scattered with this I don't know what else to say. I loved, and still love my brother. But I guess through out the past year I have finally accepted a few things about his death that I can not change. I still haven't completely accepted the fact that I will never see him again. I haven't accepted the fact that Leo doesn't have a father. There are so many things that I just can't physically wrap my mind around. It's too scary. Thank you for reading, I am sorry it's so scattered but that's how my thoughts are.

Brooke and her Uncle Tony 

The 3 of us on Vacation.

Me and Tony as children.

Tony, probably 2 or so. 

My Tattoo in Memory of Anthony Nicholas Beaman

Brooke and Uncle Tony 

A self shot of Tony. 

Feel free to save this and use it as your Facebook banner. 

Every 18 minutes.....

Every 18 minutes someone in the US dies by suicide. That's 3 every hour. 80 a day. 560 A WEEK. 2,240 A MONTH. APPROXIMATELY 26,880 A YEAR! That's in the United States alone! I was driving home the other day and I heard a commercial for food safety. Put your leftovers in the fridge to prevent food poisoning. Because obviously food poisoning is preventable. The commercial goes on to say that this year, almost 3,000 people will die from food posioning. While that is very sad, and my prayers go out to the families of those almost 3,000 people... what about the 26,880 familes that will have to go through the pain, confusion, guilt, stress, and unimaginable loss of a loved one to suicide? How is it there is a budget for a commercial on the radio several times daily to try to prevent almost 3,000 deaths, yet everyone is so hush hush about the almost 30,000 suicides? Suicide is JUST AS PREVENTABLE as food posioning! The stigma and shame that comes with mental illnesses and suicides is ridiculous. We, as a whole need to open our eyes and realize what is happening in our own backyard. We need to reach out to those in need. Pray for those who are lost. Open our hearts to those who feel like they are unloved. One way to help is walk in one of the many Out of the Darkness walks happening this fall around the country. Here are the ones in Texas:
Lubbock: September 16
San Antonio: September
Midland: October 6
Houston: November 3
Witchita Falls: November 3
Austin: November 4
Dallas: November 10
Ediburg: November 17
November 17th is also the International Survivors of Suicide day. There will be conferences held around the world to talk about the unique kind of pain that comes from suicide and so that you can be introduced to people in your area who are going through the same kind of loss. You can find more information on these at the website. www.asp.org Please reach out to those who need help. Not everyone will ask on their own.

I can't say why or how....

But I've forgiven Jessie. I'm not going into details about what happened between us but it's something most people wouldn't ever be able to forgive. Now, don't get me wrong, when I say I've forgiven him it doesn't mean we're back together. It doesn't even mean we're friends. As a matter of fact, we still aren't talking and I think it needs to stay like that a little while longer. But holding this grudge against him, the guy that I'm crazy in love with is exhausting. It's so confusing and it wears me down. So I'm going to forgive, but not forget. I'm not saying that I want to try again with him. I'm not saying I wanna be BFF's. However...down the road, if I do want either of those things I am old enough to make my own choices and deal the with concequences. I've made mistakes in the past with who I've given my heart, trust and love to, but I don't feel Jessie was a mistake. I did, and still do love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. He was my best friend for 9 months. He became a part of every inch of my life. My family life, my personal life, my private life, my fun life. He was in it all. He came to church with me a few times, something that when we first began dating he said wouldn't ever happen. He was amazing with my kids, and the only father figure (other than my dad) they've ever had consistantly in their lives. He attended school functions, he changed diapers, he babysat. He was an amazing "dad". He was everything I've ever wanted and never thought I'd find. I know it sounds crazy but I know in my heart of hearts that God placed him into my life for a reason. Maybe it was to be a learning experience Possibly to be a friend. But who knows, maybe he came into my life for so much more than that. A lot of people have told me, oh don't worry you'll find someone who treats you better. Well... while that might be true, I don't think I'll find someone else I connect with on the level Jessie and I did. We both have a lot to learn. We both have had a rough past when it comes to relationships. And (sorry if you read this) but our biological parents haven't exactly set the best examples of happily ever after. Now I AM NOT place ANY OUNCE of blame on them for what has happen between Jessie and I, or me and any of my former boyfriends. I'm just sayin, maybe in my subconscious I have some default settings I can't change. LOL Anyway, of all the things Jessie has done the most important thing was being there. When Tony died he was an unconditional source of strength and love and support. I would not be in the place that I am without his love. With out his shoulder to cry on. I will be forever indebted to him for what he was for me during those first few months. A lot of people tell me that if I move on I'll be happy but I hate to break it to you. I am not happy trying to hate someone I love so deeply. He has such a huge piece of my heart that if I were to succeed in hating him I don't think I'd be able to love someone ever again. Maybe one day we can be friends again, and who know... maybe just maybe in a future far far away we can get our happily ever after. I believe that if it's meant to be than it'll happen. If not, then I'll eventually be ok with that too. I am very hurt by the things he did to ruin my trust and our relationship but I refuse to hold onto the grudge any longer. I'm sure I'm gonna get a lot of grief about this choice but that's ok. I am trying to learn to be a better Christian and forgiving is a big part of that. And I figure if I can forgive Jessie for the things he did to me then I can eventually move on to forgiving bigger things, things that involve Tony, Brooke and Bryson. Well.... I don't know what else to say to justify my choice, other than it's what will make me happy and free my heart. <3

Can't believe I've been in Odessa 10 years!!!

Wow! It's hard to believe but today marks the 10th anniversary of the biggest decision I've ever made in my life. 10 years ago today I hit the road to the "big city" of Odessa  and came to live with my dad and my step mom. I can honestly say that it was the best decision of my life. I was having a really hard time in El Paso. I was bullied by the rich kids of the west side. I was made fun of by the cheerleaders. I just wasn't happy. My mom and I didn't get along. And neither did Tony and I. It was just time to move on and try life some where else. The past 10 years in Odessa have been nothing short of amazing! I've had so many wonderful friend, high school was everything I could have ever asked for, and of course my 2 beautiful babies! For 9 years I never once doubted my move. I've always believed it was the choice I could have ever made. Most days, I still feel that way. But I have to admit there are some days where I wonder... If i had stayed could I have helped/saved Tony? I know I was only 15, and it makes sense that I went for the option benefited me the most. I just can't help but wonder sometimes if I could've helped. But there's no going back and even if I could.... I don't think that I would. If I hadn't moved here I would've never met Jayson.. who although drug my heart through hell and back was one of the closest friends I ever had. He taught me so much, he helped me grow into the person I am today and I will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart for him... even if I want to keep him a memory and not a part of my future. I wouldn't have such an amazing relationship with my step mom Rhonda, she is without a doubt my best friend. I don't know how I could've gotten through life without her. There are so many other people I'm so grateful I've met through out these 10 years and I wouldn't trade it for the world. David, Adrian, Anna, Alexis, Melissa, Jayson, Russell, Lesli, TJ, Tammy, April, Ellie, Keesha,  and so many many many more. All the people I've met/dealt with in the past 10 years made me who I am today. Some made me stronger and wiser. Some made me bitter and more cautious. Two of them made me a mother. I am truly grateful God has led me down this path for the past years, no matter how painful it was at times. The past 8 months has honestly been the most painful, and some how at the same time the most amazing months of this journey. 8 months and 2 weeks ago Jessie and I took the next step in our friendship into a relationship. It has been a tough ride and we don't always get along and we kinda go back and forth more than I'd like to admit, but he is the love of my life. A week after we got together, about 8 months and a week ago Tony took his own life. I know that I have a lot of friends and an amazing family to support me through this. Even with that being said, I'm just not sure how I would've made it through these past 8 months with out Jessie by my side. He has been there for me at 1:00 AM when I have a bad dream. He's held me while I cried after just talking about what a  picky eater Tony was. He knows me inside and out and he knows what kind of support to offer and when. He knows when I can't talk about it and he knows when I need to. I doubt he'll admit to this, he constantly tells me he doesn't know how to help me through this. But that's the thing, just being in the same room with him makes me feel better. Seeing his smile and listening to his heart beat makes me a little calmer when I'm on the verge or in the middle of a sobfest. If I hadn't moved to Odessa, I wouldn't have Brooke, Bryson or Jessie and I just can't imagine my life without them. Even if Jessie and I don't stay together forever, I know that we'll at least be friends. I am so blessed to have found a guy like him. We may not always get along and we might not have the type of relationship others think we should but we are who we are and I know that in the end it's in God's hands and I take comfort in knowing that.


This blog kinda took a different direction than I meant for it to, but once I get typing and getting it off my chest sometimes I just can't stop. :)