Not Fair

It's not an easy choice. When you're not married...not in love... and not prepared. You take that test, wait 2 minutes and when those 2 little pink lines show up your whole world turns upside down. If you don't want a positive result your first feeling is like you were punched in the gut. The air litterally leaves your lungs and its a struggle to get it back. Your next thought, at least for me was my current child. The child/children you have now. What is this going to do to them? What is this baby going to take from them? What is this baby going to give to them? How will he or she handle the change? There's so many questions that will run through your head. Then the decision has to be made about how and when to tell people. Including the father. In my case he told me he'd come by later and then shut the door in my face. During my pregnancy with Bryson adoption crossed my mind many times. Too many to count. I wasn't sure I wanted him, I wasn't sure how I could handle him even if I did want him. I never felt fully connected or in love with him for the entire 38 weeks and 5 days. It was hard to think about adoption. Even without the love and without the money to support him I couldn't imagine giving my baby away. The biggest factor is knowing how much I love Brooke. There's no way I could give away another person that I love as much as I love that little girl! But then I had to think.. with this baby I couldn't give her what I wanted. Even less than I was already able to give her. I wouldn't have weekends alone with her where we could cuddle on the couch and be lazy all day together. I wouldn't be able to take her on that vacation to Sea World I promised. Then I had to think of the baby growing inside of me. Could I learn to love him? Could I survive finacially with 2 kids? Even more could I survive mentally with 2 kids? My brothers also went through my mind a lot more than people think. How would Keeghan have handled the fact that I had a baby but it didn't live with us? Then Khaiden and Brooke, they are both young but old enough to remember things now. It was going to be a very tough explination if I had chose adoption. I know lots of people who have had 2 kids and lived to tell about it. Including my mom. The thing that sticks out in my mind with my situation is the fact that David doesn't see Brooke. EVER. PERIOD. Other people I know had at least one or both fathers involved with visitation or child support or better yet, both. Sitting here watching 16 and pregnant made think a lot and made me kind of mad. This girl made the decision to give her baby up. Then a few days later changed her mind and took the baby back for a "trial run". After a month of stuggling with the baby and sleep deprivation and having no money and trying to keep the house clean she realized she couldn't or didn't want to keep her. So she gave her back to the adoptive parents (her aunt and uncle) and went on with her life. I don't think her decision was a bad one. I'm very happy for her that she's going to realize her dream and go to college in New York. I just don't see how it's fair that she got a test drive. I'm not saying that a test drive would've made me give up my daughter or my son, if anything it would've made me love them even more. In turn making it impossible for me to give either of them away. As all of you know I kept my son. The second the nurse brought him to me I knew. I would do whatever it took to take care of my children. He is now 7 months old and he started crawling today. I can't tell you how much I love him and how much he warms my heart every day. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to make up for the 9 months that I didn't feel this way about him. Brooke is such an amazing big sister and I can't imagine my life any other way. I couldn't do it with out the people who support me and I can't thank you enough. Words will never be able to express the way I feel about everything. Long story short. Pregnancy is preventable. Teen pregnancy or an unplanned pregnancy when you're 22, it can be prevented. And trust me, stessing about taking a pill every day or taking time out for a shot every 3 months or having an IUD inserted for 5-10 years as birth control is MUCH LESS STRESS than a baby. Like I always say, It's not always easy but it's fun. And I wouldn't change it for the world!!!

I love kidd krddick!

So this morning on Kidd they were talking about a website called Kabalarian. Basically they did a study of all these names and figured out the most common personality type for the names. I searched my name, let me know if you think it fits me. You can search 6 names for free and then you gotta sign up and pay. Here's what it said about my name...

The name of Amanda has given you an appreciation for many beautiful and refined aspects of life--music and art, literature, drama--and the outdoors, where you find much peace and relaxation, but it creates a far too sensitive nature.
 

You sense and feel much that you do not understand, and sometimes you are alarmed at your thoughts and wonder about their origin.
 

You rarely experience the tranquility that comes with stability of thinking or emotional control.

The name Amanda creates the urge to be self-expressive and philosophical, but we point out that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality creating loneliness.

Some of it is kinda dead on but not all of it. I also search Brooke and Bryson. I wonder if one day they will fill the mold, lol. Here's what is said about Brooke I really think it fits good!!

Your name of Brooke indicates qualities of a leader and organizer but a difficulty in concentrating and systematizing your efforts interferes with achieving your goals.
 

You desire a good standard of living and the best quality in all your material possessions.
 

You have a friendly nature, well-liked by others for your sense of humour and pleasant personality and you love parties and socializing in general.
 

You could be musically or artistically inclined and may often be the "life" of the party and would enjoy finding expression in the entertainment field.

Although the name Brooke creates executive ambitions, we emphasize that it frustrates you through a scattered and emotional nature.

Here's Bryson...

As Bryson, you have a natural interest in the welfare of your fellow man, and a desire to help and serve others in a humanitarian way.
 

You are responsible and generous, although somewhat scattering and disorganized at times.
 

Any jobs requiring systematic and conscientious effort, or involving any form of drudgery, dismay you.
 

In your work, you would seek a position offering self-expression through contact with people, such as sales or teaching, or a position giving scope to your creative, artistic talents.
 

You are good-natured and likeable, and people tend to confide in you and seek your advice in personal problems.
 

Others sense your sincere interest and desire to help, and you can always be counted on to see the bright side of any problem.

Although the name Bryson creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it frustrates you through a scattered and emotional nature.

Its interesting to see that. Now of course my son or daughter may grow up to completly prove it wrong. If they do thats ok if they don't thats ok too! My kids continue to amaze me all the time and every day is a new adventure with them. It breaks my heart that David and Adrian are missing so much. But it's not my fault, I did all I could do to make it work. One day they'll realize what they're missing! But by then it may be too late. Well I guess its bed time for me because tomorrow is another adventure waiting to happen. Though it may not always be easy... it sure is fun!

Life is Grand!

Wow… This weekend is going into my top ten weekends of my entire life!! First I had an amazing week. It just seemed like everything was going good. Monday Bryson learned to sit up all by his self. He also got his first big haircut. I cut probably a good 2 inches off the top of his hair. Monday night he slept better than he’s slept in months!! Tuesday a new girl Ashley started in my room. She was gonna train with from 8:3-1 Tuesday and Wednesday. Don’t get me wrong I love my room but sometimes it’s boring in there with all 4 babies asleep and nothing to do. So for 2 days I had some company. LOL She’s awesome as a person and as a teacher. I totally trust her in there with all 4 babies including my son!

On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night Bryson slept great!! He didn’t sleep though the night but gotta take it one step at a time.

It was just an amazing week and Friday is just got better!!! Ms. April had to wear an OHS shirt because she lost the bet. While I was babysitting the boys at my parent’s house I saw online that a FB friend had some Texas Tech tickets for sale. I was curious so I how much he was asking for them. He said $80, and well there’s NO WAY I could’ve afforded that so I said thanks but no thanks. He asked what I could afford and so I told him. Well long story short I got row 8 tickets to the Texas Tech homecoming game for $30… for 2 of them!! So $15 each!  Tickets that normally would’ve been $133!! Liz and I took an awesome road trip to Lubbock and enjoyed my first Texas Tech game! It was a dream come true and the best birthday present to myself I could’ve ever had!!

Thanks to Mo Marquez for helping my dream become a reality. Thanks to Liz for going with me on the trip of a lifetime! Thanks for Rhonda for watching my kids! As awesome as this week has been I was worried about the near future. What goes up must come down and so I just have been wondering what was gonna happen. 

Also I’m proud to say that yesterday morning while trying to figure out what David has been up to so I can maybe help the AG enforce my child support case I found out he’s married now. Has another daughter and is still living in Oklahoma. And you know what…..I DON’T CARE!!! J  There was no pain no tears no nothing!! I’m proud to say that for sure 100% I AM OVER DAVID!! I’ve felt like I’ve been over him for a long time but it has always been in the back of my head… the wondering and the fear. But after realizing he’s married and someone else’s problem all I felt was relief!!

So needless to say things are finally looking up and I'm starting to feel better about this thing called life!! Because when it comes to being a single mom it's not always easy but it's fun!!

Kids say the darnest things..

Wow... I love being a mom. My daughter amazes me more and more each day. Sometimes she says things and they make no sense. Other times she says thing using her 4 year old logic.. and I can totataly see why she thinks that!! So I decided today after the comment I got on the drive home today that I'd share a few with ya'll!

Well today on the way home today we, at random, started singing "Santa Claus is coming to town". After the first verse she replies..."Mommy, Santa watches everyone except God. Because God doesn't be bad because God's a grown-up" I couldn't help but crack up laughing. At which point she got mad at me because she assumed my laughing was saying she was wrong. LOL!!

There's been some other times when Brooke has said some pretty funny things about God. My personal favorite is when she told me that "God is always with me because God lives in my heart... actually God lives in all our hearts right mommy?"

Then there were the cell phone conversations. Brooke didn't want to go to bed one night and she said that God didn't think little girls should go to bed. So I told her I called him and he said that she did need to go to bed. At which point she said she wanted to call him so I call my dad and told him he needed to "play God" and tell Brooke she needed to go to bed, once we hung up she was out within minutes! The next day there was a big storm and she told me "Momma I need your phone so I can text God and tell him I don't want the rain anymore!"


Then there's my all time favorite. Brooke was playing with Bryson in the backseat of the car and she was making him laugh by sayin "tickle tickle tickle" and he was crackin up. Then she said "Momma, you know how I learned that? To make him laugh? I just knowed it because it was in my heart because God is in my heart and he told me to do it."


Anyway I could go on and on but I'd never be able to stop. I love my little Brookie so much! She says the funniest things and its just so amazing. For those of you who have kids, you know, but if you don't just take it from me.... it's not always easy, but it's fun!!

Join the Club

Well seems like its the thing to do and it also seems like it's a good way to let it all out. So here I am starting a blog. I guess I'll really use it as a way to keep track of my thoughts and my life. And if ya'll feel the need to comment or give advice, it's more than welcome anytime!! I figured I'd start by going back into the past about a week. Starting on October 25, a month before Thanksgiving I decided I was going to make a daily Facebook post about the thing I was thankful for for that day. I've noticed it's hard to count the bad things in your life when you realize how many blessings there are, no mater the size.

Well with Facebook you only have a limited amount of space to explain. So let's go back to the first post from October 25th. That day I said I was thankful for my brothers because it was my brother Tony's birthday. I am so blessed to have 3 younger brothers. The oldest is now 20 years old. He's attending college at EPCC and I'm so exicted to see where he will take his life. The only problem is he needs to get his head on straight and get out of the bad habits he has!! The second is Keeghan he's now 11 years old and I can remember the day my dad called to tell me he was born like it was yesterday!! It was August 19th and my dad called and explained there were a few complications but after an emergency C-Section mom and baby were doing great. I got on my bike rode around the neighborhood and screamed to the world that I had a new brother! Man it was exciting! The third brother is Khaiden and he is 5 years old. He's our little miracle baby. He was born with a massive tumor in his tummy and after major surgery at just 4 days old we found out it was benine and nothing to worry about. He came home from Lubbock at 2 weeks old and he's been a little tornado ever since!

On October 26th I said I was thankful for my best friend Lesli. She is an amazing person inside and out. We both have a daughter and a son. Our daughters are 4 years old and 4 days apart. They both will be in the same grade together. Her son Kash has a late birthday in September so he'll be in the same grade with Bryson. She takes Brooke to school each morning and picks her up from the bus each day. I really don't know where I'd be without her.

On October 27th I said I was thankful for the fact the Adrian has decided to help out with Bryson. He ran away for 8 out of the 9 months I was pregnant. And I didn't hear from him until Bryson was 2 months old. But now he'll bring me diapers when I need them and started paying some of the daycare. Hopefully one day he'll be a full time fixture in Bryson's life and be a help with both time and money. :)

On October 28th I said I was thankful for my Aunt and Uncle. They are such an amazing part of Brooke's life and they love her so much. It's almost like she has an extra set of grandparents. She loves going out there and they love having her.

On October 29th I said I was thankful for the old days. Meaning High School. Those 3 years made me who I am today. I had so much fun every single day and I met some of the most amazing people!!

October 30th was self explanatory.. I'm thankful for toothpaste and toothbrushes because I love my teeth!!

October 31st I was thankful for the guy on at Gator at Crossroads church who helped me find my car because i couldn't remember where I parked! LOL!!


Today I am thankful for my job. I love working at Aladdin's Castle. I love the parents I meet, the kids I care for and my co-workers!! It may not be much but it's amazing and I love going to work each and every day! And even on days when I'm not looking forward to going to work once I get there I snuggle with my babies and it makes it all worth it. Parents trust me with their most precious thing every day and I thank you for that!! I don't leave my son or daughter with just anyone and the fact that they know their child is safe when they leave them at Aladdin's Castle makes me feel proud. You can't work at Aladdin's and not smile. Those kids are amazing and its a miracle watching them grow. Sometimes I feel like I have 2 kids and 100 neices and nephews. I love those children and toddlers and babies so much!!


Well that was a pretty long post for my first time! But those of you who know me know I can talk a lot! LOL It's time to sign off here and get ready for bed before Bryson changes his mind! And remember when it comes to being a mom.....it's not always easy but it's fun!!