December

I don't want this post to be all bad. So I'll start with the good. I have come so far in my grief journey. Farther than I ever thought I could come after that horrible no good rotten day. Sometimes I can go  weeks without crying. I have come so far in my suicide prevention efforts. I was the chairman of the 2013 AFSP Out of the Darkness walk for my area. It was so completely amazing and awesome. It was so stressful, chaotic and crazy. So healing, and many many other things. Together we have raised over $5,000.  It was so great to be apart of that cause.

Well, that's all the good about suicide stuff. There's more good though. My kids are doing great, Bryson is potty trained. Brooke is doing good in school. I'm in an awesome relationship with a great guy who's awesome with my kids.

Well, that's enough about the awesome stuff in my personal stuff.

October is hard. It's Anthony's birthday, Anthony's death date, and one of his favorite holidays. October sucks, and it sucks bad. Yet, as bad as October sucks.... December, on some days, is worse. December 2010 is the last time I saw my brother. December 26th,  2010 is the last time I saw my brother. Christmas 2010 is the last holiday I spent with my brother. The last present I gave him, the last time he saw my kids. The last time my kids saw him. So yes, he died in October. 24 days before he was supposed to be 21. And 13 weeks before he (unknowingly) became a father. But December 26th... I don't remember if I hugged him. I don't remember if  I told him I loved him. Did I take the kids out of the car so they could say bye? Or did he wave to them through the window? Did he get out of the car to tell us bye in that parking lot? Anthony had gotten lost and used my mom's iPad to send me a Facebook message to tell me he was in a parking lot at the hospital where I had Brooke. I read those messages a lot. I read them to try to remind me of that day. I try to jog my memory so  I can try to remember if I hugged him. That's all I want to remember. The last time I saw my brother alive. The last time I saw my brother at all... Did I hug him? Does anyone else have this? One thing that they can't move past? I've done so good with every other part of my grief. I've worked through so much. I have such a  good memory and so this bothers me more than it probably should.

I haven't written a blog in a really long time. Well over a year. I'm sorry this has been so scattered but I have a lot of thoughts I've needed to get out. So I started with the biggest  one on my mind.