6:02 PM- October 1,2011. The moment, date and time that will forever be burned into my heart. I remember what I was wearing, what I was eating. I remember where I was sitting. I remember the unimaginable pain that coursed through my body beginning from my heart and over the next few days spreading through every inch of my soul. The text was from my mom. It was short, and simple. But in 6 words my world came crashing down around me. "Call me when you get home." We had been looking for Anthony for a little over 12 hours at that point.... I knew the text meant something bad. I remember the sinking feeling in my gut, I knew something was wrong. I never imagined the news I would receive less than a minute later would be that my baby brother was gone. That he had taken his own life and I would never see him again. My kids would never see him again. Even now, a year later. I still can't put into words what that felt like. It was kind of a combination of pain, emptiness, shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, nausea, and so many other things. Growing up, your siblings are usually the closest people to you. And although Tony and I didn't get along we were very close. I mean we were all each other had at times. We both were kinda the odd man out of school. It's hard to explain our relationship. We didn't get along, we fought like crazy but.. let me tell you. If someone messed with my baby brother, it was on like Donkey Kong! I miss him so much. I miss him more some days than others. However there is never ever a day that I don't wish I could hear his laugh one more time. In the last years of his life we didn't hear that beautiful sound near enough.
They say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see that when a tragedy happens. I can't say that I even see it now. What I do know is that Anthony's death has thrown me had first into suicide prevention and awareness. What I also know is that Anthony was a very special and unique person. There was no one like him in the world, and the world wouldn't have been able to handle 2 of him. So maybe that's why this happened. Maybe that's the rhyme behind the reason. Maybe, just maybe the world couldn't handle to souls like Anthony on it at the same time. So 13 weeks before his son Leo was born maybe the world needed to make room for another soul so unique and amazing. I know this may not make sense to some of you, it doesn't to me either. It doesn't sound fair either.
Guilt is an unforgiving emotion. It keeps you awake at night. It makes you want to sleep all the time. It gives you headaches. It makes you numb. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS GUILT ABOUT ANTHONY'S DEATH. Make no mistake about this. None of us treated him "good". However, we seem to forget the fact that he didn't treat us too kind either. He was shut off the world. He pushed away people and help. We can't sit here and say we didn't do anything to help, because that simply isn't the case. We all tried, we all loved the hell out of him. But he was just too far gone. Yes, I could've done more. Yes, you should've answered that call. And you should've forwarded that message. You should've called just because. I should've sent that birthday card. She shouldn't have hurt him. He shouldn't have bullied him. WE ALL have should'ves... But nothing will change that. Ever. Rather than focusing on the things we should've done, why don't we focus on the things we DID DO? I was the most sister I knew how to be given our situation. My mom, single mother 2 of gave us everything we needed and wanted and worked her ass off to get where she is today. Moneek, Cheyenne, Regan, Michaela, and so many other girls (NOT GIRLFRIENDS, SOME SIMPLY FRIENDS) all of you showed him amazing love. Matt... You were an amazing friend. I know how much he loved you, how much he always had loved you. So many of you touched my brother in amazing ways, and he touched each of you. There is nothing any of us could've done to save him. He was a lost soul in a hard world. He didn't see the world the way we did. He didn't see the beauty, the amazing and wonderful promise of the future. He couldn't, not through the haze of the drugs. Which brings me back to another things. Drugs. I am BEGGING PLEADING asking.... Get clean. Get sober. You guys have your WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF YOU. Uppers, downers, alcohol.... they all can destroy your way of thinking. Make you think it's the only thing to make you feel better. It's not. The world is an amazing, beautiful place if you would only give it a chance. Look around, it's the little things that make things wonderful. The pregnant woman walking by smiling at the feeling of her unborn child. The child laughing at the silly face his dad is making. The butterfly floating around the park. The warmth from sheets right out of the dryer. The lightening against a backdrop of mountains. The shooting star in the midnight sky.
I can go on and on and on. But I've already been so scattered with this I don't know what else to say. I loved, and still love my brother. But I guess through out the past year I have finally accepted a few things about his death that I can not change. I still haven't completely accepted the fact that I will never see him again. I haven't accepted the fact that Leo doesn't have a father. There are so many things that I just can't physically wrap my mind around. It's too scary. Thank you for reading, I am sorry it's so scattered but that's how my thoughts are.
Brooke and her Uncle Tony
The 3 of us on Vacation.
Me and Tony as children.
Tony, probably 2 or so.
My Tattoo in Memory of Anthony Nicholas Beaman
Brooke and Uncle Tony
A self shot of Tony.
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