I can't say why or how....

But I've forgiven Jessie. I'm not going into details about what happened between us but it's something most people wouldn't ever be able to forgive. Now, don't get me wrong, when I say I've forgiven him it doesn't mean we're back together. It doesn't even mean we're friends. As a matter of fact, we still aren't talking and I think it needs to stay like that a little while longer. But holding this grudge against him, the guy that I'm crazy in love with is exhausting. It's so confusing and it wears me down. So I'm going to forgive, but not forget. I'm not saying that I want to try again with him. I'm not saying I wanna be BFF's. However...down the road, if I do want either of those things I am old enough to make my own choices and deal the with concequences. I've made mistakes in the past with who I've given my heart, trust and love to, but I don't feel Jessie was a mistake. I did, and still do love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. He was my best friend for 9 months. He became a part of every inch of my life. My family life, my personal life, my private life, my fun life. He was in it all. He came to church with me a few times, something that when we first began dating he said wouldn't ever happen. He was amazing with my kids, and the only father figure (other than my dad) they've ever had consistantly in their lives. He attended school functions, he changed diapers, he babysat. He was an amazing "dad". He was everything I've ever wanted and never thought I'd find. I know it sounds crazy but I know in my heart of hearts that God placed him into my life for a reason. Maybe it was to be a learning experience Possibly to be a friend. But who knows, maybe he came into my life for so much more than that. A lot of people have told me, oh don't worry you'll find someone who treats you better. Well... while that might be true, I don't think I'll find someone else I connect with on the level Jessie and I did. We both have a lot to learn. We both have had a rough past when it comes to relationships. And (sorry if you read this) but our biological parents haven't exactly set the best examples of happily ever after. Now I AM NOT place ANY OUNCE of blame on them for what has happen between Jessie and I, or me and any of my former boyfriends. I'm just sayin, maybe in my subconscious I have some default settings I can't change. LOL Anyway, of all the things Jessie has done the most important thing was being there. When Tony died he was an unconditional source of strength and love and support. I would not be in the place that I am without his love. With out his shoulder to cry on. I will be forever indebted to him for what he was for me during those first few months. A lot of people tell me that if I move on I'll be happy but I hate to break it to you. I am not happy trying to hate someone I love so deeply. He has such a huge piece of my heart that if I were to succeed in hating him I don't think I'd be able to love someone ever again. Maybe one day we can be friends again, and who know... maybe just maybe in a future far far away we can get our happily ever after. I believe that if it's meant to be than it'll happen. If not, then I'll eventually be ok with that too. I am very hurt by the things he did to ruin my trust and our relationship but I refuse to hold onto the grudge any longer. I'm sure I'm gonna get a lot of grief about this choice but that's ok. I am trying to learn to be a better Christian and forgiving is a big part of that. And I figure if I can forgive Jessie for the things he did to me then I can eventually move on to forgiving bigger things, things that involve Tony, Brooke and Bryson. Well.... I don't know what else to say to justify my choice, other than it's what will make me happy and free my heart. <3