Not Fair

It's not an easy choice. When you're not married...not in love... and not prepared. You take that test, wait 2 minutes and when those 2 little pink lines show up your whole world turns upside down. If you don't want a positive result your first feeling is like you were punched in the gut. The air litterally leaves your lungs and its a struggle to get it back. Your next thought, at least for me was my current child. The child/children you have now. What is this going to do to them? What is this baby going to take from them? What is this baby going to give to them? How will he or she handle the change? There's so many questions that will run through your head. Then the decision has to be made about how and when to tell people. Including the father. In my case he told me he'd come by later and then shut the door in my face. During my pregnancy with Bryson adoption crossed my mind many times. Too many to count. I wasn't sure I wanted him, I wasn't sure how I could handle him even if I did want him. I never felt fully connected or in love with him for the entire 38 weeks and 5 days. It was hard to think about adoption. Even without the love and without the money to support him I couldn't imagine giving my baby away. The biggest factor is knowing how much I love Brooke. There's no way I could give away another person that I love as much as I love that little girl! But then I had to think.. with this baby I couldn't give her what I wanted. Even less than I was already able to give her. I wouldn't have weekends alone with her where we could cuddle on the couch and be lazy all day together. I wouldn't be able to take her on that vacation to Sea World I promised. Then I had to think of the baby growing inside of me. Could I learn to love him? Could I survive finacially with 2 kids? Even more could I survive mentally with 2 kids? My brothers also went through my mind a lot more than people think. How would Keeghan have handled the fact that I had a baby but it didn't live with us? Then Khaiden and Brooke, they are both young but old enough to remember things now. It was going to be a very tough explination if I had chose adoption. I know lots of people who have had 2 kids and lived to tell about it. Including my mom. The thing that sticks out in my mind with my situation is the fact that David doesn't see Brooke. EVER. PERIOD. Other people I know had at least one or both fathers involved with visitation or child support or better yet, both. Sitting here watching 16 and pregnant made think a lot and made me kind of mad. This girl made the decision to give her baby up. Then a few days later changed her mind and took the baby back for a "trial run". After a month of stuggling with the baby and sleep deprivation and having no money and trying to keep the house clean she realized she couldn't or didn't want to keep her. So she gave her back to the adoptive parents (her aunt and uncle) and went on with her life. I don't think her decision was a bad one. I'm very happy for her that she's going to realize her dream and go to college in New York. I just don't see how it's fair that she got a test drive. I'm not saying that a test drive would've made me give up my daughter or my son, if anything it would've made me love them even more. In turn making it impossible for me to give either of them away. As all of you know I kept my son. The second the nurse brought him to me I knew. I would do whatever it took to take care of my children. He is now 7 months old and he started crawling today. I can't tell you how much I love him and how much he warms my heart every day. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to make up for the 9 months that I didn't feel this way about him. Brooke is such an amazing big sister and I can't imagine my life any other way. I couldn't do it with out the people who support me and I can't thank you enough. Words will never be able to express the way I feel about everything. Long story short. Pregnancy is preventable. Teen pregnancy or an unplanned pregnancy when you're 22, it can be prevented. And trust me, stessing about taking a pill every day or taking time out for a shot every 3 months or having an IUD inserted for 5-10 years as birth control is MUCH LESS STRESS than a baby. Like I always say, It's not always easy but it's fun. And I wouldn't change it for the world!!!